The Free Show

My daughter likes to sing the itsy bitsy spider when we do bed time. This is what we were doing, hand signs and all when I look out the window. She’s on the second floor of the house and so we have a great view of all the neighbors. As it turns out, my new next door neighbor’s 13 kid was having a makeout session.

Which guy do I want to be here? Do I want to be the guy that is a peeping tom spying on prepubescent nookie. Do I want to be the guy that calls a mom and gets everyone busted and embarrassment ensues therefore ensuring that my neighbors will hate me before they even meet me. Or do I want to be the creepy calling out techniques and suggestions to help the youngsters out? And let’s not forget that I am already the guy that was watching a pool party naked with a beer. Mmmmmm, visualizing is fun.

No, I don’t want to be any of those guys. No one likes those guys and he never gets invited over to play lawn darts. I want to be the guy that wishes he never saw what he saw.

Now don’t get the wrong impression, I wasn’t standing drooling at the window whispering to the air. I was singing to my daughter. How can that be unwholesome? We were singing itsy bitsy spider. You know the song:

The itsy bitsy spider gets action in her back yard.
Out come the neighbors looking through the window
Up come the lights out on the back porch
And the itsy bitsy spider moves it back inside.

Or something like that.

I called my wife over so she could catch a gander, thus negating any creepy window guy thing going on. We both had a pretty good giggle over it because I think that we both remember what it was like.

I too my friends got some action in my backyard that wasn’t so private in my teen years. But in my defense, I was a guy and as long as someone was putting out I didn’t much care who was watching me. I realized at a young age that it very well may be the price I had to pay to get some southern loving and between a choice of a neighbor seeing my ass or getting laid, I was taking laid every time. We sell Whoppers at the counter folks, BYOB.

Things looked like they were getting pretty heavy and Mr. Grabby appeared to be coming out so we quickly turned away. I told my daughter that she was never to do anything like that ever, with anyone, ever. She responded by asking if Elmo was outside. If he is he is doing a special for HBO and you are way to young for it.

I decided that I wouldn’t bring this up when I meet the neighbors for the first time. What am I going to say? “Hey Susan and Bob, nice to meet you. And you must be the exhibitionist of the family, little Sally right? How’s Mr. Grabby doing?” Awkward, but maybe a good icebreaker.

Of course, if they mention that they saw me naked in my uncurtained house then I will go straight for the jugular. Oh yea! Well your daughter was getting to second base right outside! That’s right, outside! What do you think of that now!

Ok, who’s up for some lawn darts.