May I Please Buy a House?

I am never again going to have anything to do with real estate. Never. Ever. Fuck it, I’m done.

I have my new house, I am happy with it and I am going to die here. I don’t even care if I don’t own it anymore, I’m just saying that I’m not leaving. You know that movie “People Under the Stairs”. That’s going to be me because I’m never, selling or buying another house. I’m completely content to be the scary old guy in the neighborhood who you see in his window holding candle in his bathrobe which he never takes off. I WANT to be that guy, thank you real estate market.

This seems extreme. I know it’s extreme, but I’ve had enough. I’ve sold my old house and bought my new house, most of it while Hossmom was away and out of town. I’m whipped and I’ll admit that I am a broken man.

You see, my problem was that I went into this whole selling our house/buying a new house with the idea of a “fair” deal. That’s all I was looking for. I didn’t want to put one over on anybody, I didn’t want to screw anyone over and I didn’t want to get away with anything.

In hindsight, that’s where I went wrong. It went wrong because basically everyone is trying to fuck over everyone else. I’m worried about karma about buying a foreclosed house while everyone else seemed to be worrying about which rod to ram up my na├»ve ass. I’m thinking that I will sell my house for what it’s worth and it will be a friendly negotiation. I’m a sucker, I admit it and there is no way I should ever be involved with this shit again. I’m just the pretty face you put on the poster, I shouldn’t be in the backroom making the decisions.

You know how I feel? I feel like the 110lb white guy that got convicted of insider trading and through a paper work error he gets sent to San Quinton with The Gang of Ass Pounders as his cell mates. Except I feel like that guy after the mistake was finally found 6 months later. That is how dealing in the real estate market has made me feel.

Maybe I’m exaggerating here. Nope, that’s still pretty much how I feel.

They said that this was a buyer’s market, that it was a good time to buy because you could get some real deals out there. I’m sure that’s true, but the process to get the deals makes you consider getting kicked in the balls instead. If I knew then versus what I know now and a man came up to me and said he would sell my old house and buy my new house, all for the low low cost of a sledgehammer to the balls, I would have accepted his offer gladly.

It started with selling our house. We sold it in two weeks. I know, that sounds pretty good but it only sounds that way because you don’t fully realize what a sucker I am. I made a profit off it so that should make me feel better but it doesn’t. It doesn’t because in a nutshell I gave away 10,000 bucks to make it happen. I paid the buyer’s closing costs and threw in money to have the house painted as well.

My thought process was that we had to move to Kansas quick because of Hossmom’s new job. I didn’t like the prospect of carrying two mortgages. I should have just painted “sucker” on my forehead and been done with it. What pissed me off is that the people buying the house kept coming back and back and back with extra shit. It was always something new and petty, like there is a shelf on the garage wall, we want to take it down.

Do you really need to ask me to do this? How fucking lazy are you? It got to the point that I told our real estate agent that I didn’t want to hear anything else. I gave instructions that any other conditions the answer was no and that they could walk away.

I hated that month and thought it was over when I closed.

Nope, just beginning.

I thought that whatever I gave away in selling my house I would make up in buying a house since now I was on the other side of the buyer’s market. It’s like playing for the Detroit Lions and finding out all of a sudden you have been traded to New England the last week of the season.

Again, I’m a sucker, an idiot, a rube. I am basically a hillbilly that should have never aspired to live in anything that didn’t have wheels. I’m the guy running a game at the carnival except the game isn’t rigged and everyone else keeps winning all of my stuffed animals. It’s the truth, I just don’t have the knack for this. As a kid I had a buddy do all the trading of my baseball cards because I knew that he could get a better deal than I could.

In Kansas City we saw a little over 90 houses. I’m not exaggerating here, 90+ houses. Hossmom is very picky when it comes to this. It gets to the point that I don’t comment on any house until she tells me she likes it. To do so other wise is just a waste of time. After 3 months of looking and two months living in the hut from hell, we found 2 houses.

This is where the screwing begins as Fair Deal Hossman comes into the picture.

We placed a bid on two houses in those three months. Let me put this to all the readers of my blog. I want you to really think about this. Have you ever, in your entire life, met a real estate agent that was a prick? I mean, seriously, have you? Every one I have ever known is always up beat and positive thinking that they can sell any property in 2 days.

The first house we placed a bid on we dealt with a woman we will call Tina the Twat. She wouldn’t return phone calls from our agent, would come back with sob stories from the owner and was basically a lazy idiot who would only use an answering service and never answer her phone.

We pulled out because basically the owner wanted 1500 bucks if the closing papers weren’t signed. It didn’t matter who was responsible for the closing papers weren’t signed, it could have been him. So basically he wrote into the contract that if he chose not to sign the closing papers on the big day, he would get 1500 bucks of our money and get to keep the house. Dipshit. I hope his house burns down.

The next house we placed a bid on was a foreclosed house. This is supposed to be a good thing to do. Sure, the process is a little longer but you are supposed to get a better deal.

Two weeks after we started the negotiations with Jackie the Clap, the real estate agent we had to deal with, we got notice that another bidder was in the mix and that negotiations were over. We had to submit a blind bid with no idea of what we were up against. And it basically killed any negotiations. This is bullshit.

So we placed a bid and kept inquiring for a week about what was going on. Jackie the Clap’s responses to our agent were rude and condescending. I swear to you, if we weren’t living in the hut I would have walked away and told Jackie the Clap to go fuck herself. I would rather give hand jobs to the homeless than work with that lady again.

We did get the house so I was prepared to let everything go but the real estate gods decided that one more fucking of Fair Deal Hossman was in order.

Part of our deal was that the seller, who appears to be Fannie Mae, pay our closing costs. They accepted it.

Accept when I show up there are 4000 bucks of closing costs added to our final payout total. Ever so politely, I asked what the fuck, donkey balls Jackie?

I was then informed the seller was paying our closing costs but we were paying the sellers closing costs. I have always wanted to throw a chair through a window, just for the dramatic effect.

So here’s what happened. Fannie Mae apparently doesn’t pay it’s own closing costs, ever. That would have been good to know. My feeling however is that this should have been negotiated on rather than slid in there. We pulled out the signed contract and were directed to a back page. The wording is very vague and it would appear that our meaning of it is not there meaning of it. I would post the wording here but after the closing I had my dogs take a shit on it. I’m planning to mail it to Jackie.

Is it just me or should this have been a negotiated? Apparently this is Fannie Mae practice. Sure, I’m an idiot and apparently my wife and I and our real estate agent can’t read a contract but come on, doesn’t this seem backdoor to you? What pisses me off is that when Jackie the Clap faxed over the contract she made a couple things clear: 1. We or our agent were not to write the contract, ever. 2. We had to have the contract and a cashier’s check by 10am the next morning. We got the contract at 4.

I don’t write this to lessen my culpability but it does seem that high pressure tactics were used in order to fuck us over.

In the end I decided fuck it, we loved the house and I wasn’t willing to have my family continue living in a craphole.

I moved us this weekend and I’m glad it’s over. Although I admit, there is a part of me that is waiting for someone to show up and ask us what the hell we are doing in their house. Why, I’m just the guy living in the attic.

1 comment:

  1. We had the selling agent screw us over on our first house... I wanted to send her a bunch of dead black roses after everything was signed and done but I didn't have enough money left to buy them (because she was a stupid greedy bitch who took us for everything at the last minute)... Anyhow, I feel your pain and I agree! We built our next (and final) home and hope to never deal with one of "those" people ever again!!!