Xbox: Off The Grid

When we moved to Kansas, we of course lost our internet connection. As we are in a rent house, from here out known as The Hut, until we buy a house (hurry the hell up already!), we will not be getting the connection here to save money for the next move.

I’m sure that there is mystery then about how I am continuing to post my blogs while I don’t have any connection. Let’s just say that I am dedicated and bribes were involved. Don’t ask me about my business again.

However, the true victim to all this is my Xbox and the lack of online justice I have been able to distribute.

This worries me. Who is going to smack down the 14 year-old jackass? He is out there laying down havoc on the defenseless older gamers and I am no where to be found. The over-30 crowd needs there Gandolf but I am currently fighting the Balrog of buying a foreclosed house.

Where is the arm of justice and the chainsaw of righteousness? Well, currently it is stuck watching “family TV” like America’s Next Top Model. My soul dies a little bit more every day.

They’re out there, I can see them in my sleep. I can see them ganging up some decrepit old fool who cries out “Lord Hoss, please help me!” only to have his prayers go unanswered.

And I can do nothing about it. I can do nothing because currently on my TV is the recap episode of the before mentioned America’s Next Top Model. You no longer see the flicker to my eyes, they have dimmed.

I need to get back online. I crave it, I hunger for it but there is nothing I can do about it. Oh, I tried. I’m not above a little trickery and back door dealing. I fired up the old laptop and did a search for any possible wireless connections that I may be able to get from my house.

I was an invisible signal in the night, looking to piggy back my greatness onto your broad band, my dear neighbors.

To my astonishment, there are 6 possible wireless connections. Gentlemen, we are in business.

It was not to be though. Because besides people stealing hubcaps in the ghetto, people are used to people jumping onto their connection. Everyone has wheel locks on their tires and password enabled connections. I was thwarted.

So I am once again foiled from joining the online gaming world once, to the detriment of the young people out there. They don’t realize this, but they need me. I am their digital father, they are my virtual children and I must teach them.

I will teach them the crushing swiftness of my vengeance. I will teach them the brutality of my virtue. I will teach them what it means to be a Knight of Hoss.

But most importantly, I will teach them not to be so god damn stupid. Seriously. You have no idea what I have heard these kids saying online. You know how they say that kids are our future? We should be terrified, we are fucked. Save money, don’t save money, it doesn’t really matter because in about 30 years one of these dumbshits is going to pass out from a bong hit directly on the red button and then we are done.

Unless I get on line, and soon, to teach them.

I once heard two gamers online discussing what the difference between Judaism and Christianity was. There final decision: Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I wish to god I was making that up, but I’m not. They really said that. They really believed that. And I wish that is as far as it went. Listening to the conversation, it turns out that one gamer was a youth pastor at his church. I couldn’t take it. I lectured them for a good 10 minutes on the many differences and similarities on the two. I’m not religious and don’t claim to be a scholar, but god damn, what was I supposed to do? Where the hell are these kids parents?!

But that’s not all. Other conversations I’ve had to lay my wisdom down on:

A very serious discussion on Morphine and how the only way you can be given it is by injection. I would at least think that this generation would know their shit about drugs.

The bill of rights. As in how many amendments there are. They came up with 8. Hello, welcome to Papa Hoss’s American History 101.

L. Ron Hubbard vs. Gene Rodenberry. I swear to you, I didn’t start this topic but I just happen to be a Trekkie. As soon as they proclaimed that Gene started Scientology I screamed and then I cried. For punishment, after I set the record straight, I then gave them the genealogy of Captain Kirk.

Which band did Slash play with (past and current) because they were talking about Guitar Hero III. I couldn’t take this one, I just shut the Xbox off and walked away.

So you see, they need me. They need me for your sakes unless you want to eventually end up with Jimbo your local neighborhood heart surgeon who believes that your left ventricle is located just below your right knee. Face it, you need me. GET ME BACK ONLINE!!

But no, instead I’m watching Top Chef because America’s Next Top Model is over. I tried to at least play Xbox offline but no, I was ruined there as well. We only hooked up one TV where I can play but it does not appear that I can play during chick night.

Alexander the Great never had these problems.

When the time comes though, and believe me it will come, I will be rested and prepared. I will paint my face like Braveheart. I will tell my digital characters that Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!

They may take our internet connection, but they will never take our CONTROLERS!

1 comment:

  1. NAMSSOH I was looking for you last night. As everytime I turned my back some 12 year old put a knife in it. The online world is not the same without you. Please hurry