Middle America

I am a 33 year old white male living in middle America. I honest to God mean that I live right in the smack dab middle of the country.

You know what this means, right? This means that I am America. I am in the key demographic that everyone wants. I am the exact guy that they want in the polls. That means that my opinion matters and therefore I rule the country in a very backdoor way.

I am the puppet master that pulls the strings. I just sit around and wait for the call.

“Hi sir, we are conducting a survey for the upcoming elections. Are you a white male in middle America?”

“Why yes, yes I am.”

“Good sir. Today’s question is: Do you believe that pink hearts should remain in Lucky Charms?”

“You damn right I do!” I say with middle American authority.

“Understood sir. I’ll call the CEO and make sure that they don’t remove them.”

“And make them bigger, I want bigger marshmellows!”

“Consider it done, sir.”

Dance monkeys. Dance.

I try to wield my power with wisdom and grace. I have a bald cat that I stroke only occasionally when I make my decisions so none of this goes to my head.

It is with that attitude that I try restrain myself so the little people can decide what they want to do for themselves, as long as the marshmellows in my Lucky Charms don’t change. I am more than willing to sit back and let the world run itself while me and my evil cat, she’s very, very evil—this is not a joke, eat chocolate covered babies.

As a result of my wisdom, usually I stay out of politics on the blog. I don’t want to sway millions of people into becoming mindless sheep. I want to encourage free thought and independence, to make a choice for themselves and for the first time in over a hundred years: don’t listen to middle America.

Besides, if you write about politics you become another mind numbing political blogger, and do we really need more of those dipshits? Right wing, left wing, Libertarian. Nutjobs, nutjobs, nutjobs. The extreme on any side of any issue is usually a bad idea which is why I also started the Common Sense Party (read the blog about border fences.)

But I find myself not being able to hold back with these up coming elections. I believe that it is time for middle America to speak and for the monkeys to tango. I run the risk of sounding just like another political blog but I’ll correct that tomorrow with a blog about my daughter licking everything in sight like she is a dog. That should get me right on track again.

Now with any political blog you are going to piss off about half the people that read it, sometimes more, sometimes less. You will get the other half praising your insight and ready to name their children “ESPN” if you ask them to. There is no “bridge” building. It’s just name calling and accusations of being a traitor to your country if you don’t support what ever ideal you’re supposed to support.

My goal is to go beyond all in today’s blog and piss off just about everyone. I believe that it is in my power. But remember, I’m a 33 year old white male living in middle America, I have to be right, traitor.

Who are you going to vote for? Republican, democrat, some other schmo that we all know really doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning. Keep going Al Sharpton, you make things fun.

Well, here’s my take on it. You all are a bunch of dipshits.

What? No, he couldn’t have said that?? This guy is crazy, take away his middle America card, move him back to Texas!

Piss and moan all you want, it’s basically true. People spend so much time trying to identify themselves with one specific party that they forget to ask themselves, is this good for the country? Somehow that gets lost in the analyzing process and it bugs the crap out of me.

But take a good look at things and ask yourself, what the hell, man? That’s all you need to do this time around. Go outside your front door, sit on your porch and ask yourself what the hell. That’s where we should all start and that’s where I started when I thought about writing this blog.

This is what I came up with.

I’m not entirely happy with the way the country is being run. I have some Republican leanings, some democratic leanings and I’m sure you could pigeon hole me into some weird UFO cult as well. But the basic answer to my “what the hell” question is still the same: I’m just not to happy with what’s occurred.

You can blame it on Republicans or you can blame it on Democrats and you can even blame it on that weird guy that dances on the corner for money to some Techno tune with the rasta beat that you pass by everyday as you go to work.

The truth is that they are all to blame. Every single politician currently holding office is to blame regardless of what party he is affiliated with. It’s just that simple. I know you think I am now a nutjob which puts me well within the realm of a political blogger. But look, we elected these people, all of them, to do a job. We basically said make my life better. They failed. In the real world, this means we would fire them. That’s what I intend to do with my vote this time around. Whoever the incumbent is, I’m not voting for him. I don’t care about party affiliation. It’s just that they fucked up, so they got to go.

Harsh and extreme, I know and I’m sure that by adopting my strategy that a few good politicians will be pushed out as well. Tough tittie. Sorry, go get a real job. When I played football, if a fellow player fucked up in class, we all had to run laps until we puked. The coaches’ reason was that we didn’t do enough to stop him and his behavior is a direct result of our inaction. We decided that the coach was right so we pounded the guy and he was smiley Charlie from then on out.

You want a real world example. Sure, no problem. The Patriot Act.

There you go. There is a piece of legislation that they (all parities) pushed through by pandering and fear mongering. Go ahead and argue against that viewpoint, I would love to hear it, then go back to your D&D board game while the rest of us try to fix this shit.

Is it any wonder that the powers that be exceeded their authority , several thousand times, using that law as a basis. Go ahead, Google “National Security Letters” and let me know what you find out.

In the meantime, I will be enjoying my new and enlarged Lucky Charm’s pink hearts.