I Have Gas

I watch CNN every morning. It is my respite from Elmo’s constant reminder that this is his world and he will have your allegiance.

Watching CNN every morning keeps me up to date so that if I by chance have the opportunity to actually talk to an adult about anything other than kid’s poop, then I will be prepared. You want to know what is happening with Lohan, I’m in the know.

What has been the big story is the price of oil. At118 bucks per barrel, it’s hitting everyone’s pocket book. It’s close to the top story every day because people are pissed off, and I think rightly so. The national average of gas is hovering around 3.50 a gallon.

This sends me into the wistful musings of an old man as I remember that when I graduated college gas was 98 cents a gallon. My knees also hurt which means rains a’ comin’. That was 10 years ago and now gas is pretty much out of control.

But I’m not going to rant today, not in the mood and it certainly doesn’t help my poor, poor readers who have to drive everyday to read my blog. Fess up, all you sons of bitches read this at work rather than actually working, admit it. I’m proud to be part of the problem.

So everyone’s hurting pretty bad right about now. It’s tough, people are canceling vacations, budgets are getting strained and I haven’t seen a Hollywood starlet get out of a car without underwear in a while. It’s just not the same seeing Lohan pull this stunt walking off the bus.

But I’m going to give you some advice. It’s some money savers that hopefully get us through this tough time. And when we are out of this “recession”, Schooner Tuna will go back to its full price.

A couple words of advice: Chicks. Dig. Mopeds.

For your vacations, just switch houses with your neighbors. Hire a donkey to sit in the backyard and tell your kids that you are at a “Dude Ranch”. Tell them that cleaning poop is part of the experience. Then, keep the donkey and ride that to work and to the grocery store. Nothing says high class like a donkey at the Gap.

Ride a bike, you hippie.

Energize me. Who’s laughing at the Trekkie now?!

Let’s go back to the dark ages. It’s time to get back to our roots. I propose that we all ditch our cars and take the extra money to build Catapults. Seriously, it’s wood and ropes. How much can it cost? Maybe a big spring but it’s still gotta be cheaper than a gallon of gas.

The bus from the movie Speed. First off, everyone on that bus seems pretty cool. Not creepy or have the homeless stink. Seems like a bunch of nice people to ride to work with in the morning. Except the guy with the gun, he wasn’t very cool but that was all just a big misunderstanding, I’m not here for you man. Second, no stops. There, your commute is cut in half.

And from another great movie that I watched today, we need to switch to the flux capasiter. Not the one from the first movie but the second one, where they use garbage as fuel. Fantastic.

Carpool with strippers. I advocate this much more than just plain old carpooling. This is way hotter. There’s always a chance that Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” will come on the radio. Who wouldn’t want to be in that carpool. Of course, you’ll have to find a job with the hours of 12 am to 4 am.

Build a methane collection tank in your backyard. Alternative fuels, it’s the wave of the future.

Hitchhike. Make sure you carry a hatchet for self defense.

Don’t fly anywhere. This one is here because basically I think that all the airlines are a racket and it wouldn’t bother me a bit if they lost money. Douchebags.

Pay the neighborhood kids to go shopping for you on their bikes. It’ll probably cost 20 bucks to hire them and of course you won’t get your change back but it’s still cheaper than driving there yourself.

Carjacking. And when you get caught, the state has to pay to drive you to all your court appointments. Appeal everything. See you in 3 to 5.

Telecommute. Don’t ask permission, just do it. Money says that no one will notice you are gone anyway. If anyone does say anything, just tell them you were with that guy doing that thing. They won’t say anything to cover their own stupidity. No one wants to be out of the loop.

Catch a ride with the pizza delivery guy but you’ll have to tip him pretty big.

Skateboard and a long rope. Lasso a truck and off you go. Rad.


I hope that this helps everyone out as summer is coming up which also means that gas will probably hit 4 bucks a gallon. We are all screwed.