The Stem Fell Off The Apple

We have friends who are having a girl. It’s his first girl and I hope to impart some wisdom onto him from what I have learned having a girl. I will tell him the things that no one told me. I took all the classes, was at every doctors appointment and was very active right up to the point of birth.

My wife and I decided not to find out what the sex of our first child was going to be so when they pulled out a little girl, I was shocked.

I had prepared for a boy. I was 99% sure that I was having a boy. I was so sure that my wife and I just picked out the name the night before for a girl. I figured that my uber-Hoss sperm would produce a male. It’s strong and virile, how could I not have a boy?

So when they pulled out a little girl, I was completely unprepared. Like every expectant father I had gone to the toy store. The first toy I bought my unborn child was a hammer. The second was a football. I had my bases covered, I was ready for a boy. I was not ready for a girl. But that didn’t matter much because here she was, Little Hoss was in the world and it was my job to be a kickass Dad.

That was two years ago and I have learned a lot. It was tough and there was a lot of guess work involved but I feel that my daughter and I have made it through the rough times and are on the solid track for her to hate me when she turns 13. It’s expected and I bear her no ill will.

First things first, the plumbing. With my son (six months), I have no problem with what is going on in the low blow area. I know how that works, I have been dealing with that for 33 years so I consider myself somewhat of an authority on it. Changing him is just like cleaning myself after a drunken night in college.

With a girl, it’s different and no one tells you shit. This is what you need to know my friend—girls pee differently. Sounds simple? Not so much.

There came a day the first month of Little Hoss’s life that I hadn’t changed a diaper in 5 or 6 hours. This did not seem normal to me. The doctors had imparted the knowledge that we should be doing this at least 8 times a day and so far we were well behind the quota. I was starting to freak out.

This couldn’t be normal so I called the after hours nurse. She asked me if she was eating normally. I said I think so, but in the first month, none of this was normal so what the hell do I know? She then asked me if my daughters mouth was dry.

How do the hell are you supposed to know? What’s dry and what isn’t? She wasn’t currently drooling, so possibly, maybe? I stuck my finger in my daughter’s mouth and it felt dryer than my slobbering dog’s mouth, so I said maybe.

The nurse then told us to go to the emergency room because it sounded like our young delicate child was dehydrated and this was very serious. Not news that a first time parent wants, so I pack up the Hossman family and off we go.

The nurse at the hospital looks at us in our panic and then lays Little Hoss on the table. She takes off her diaper and then starts laughing. I wonder why the medical emergency of my daughter is so god damn funny and I start to think maybe I should pop the nurse a good one to get her under control. She then calls me over and asks me to feel the back of the diaper.

So I did. It weighed about five pounds and was soaking wet. This is when I learned my first lesson about having a girl and their pee. All their pee settles in the back of their diaper, not the front. To me, this defies the laws of physics but it is none the less true.

The nurse was having a ball. I got the bill for that later. I call it my 60 dollar diaper change. It is now in our family lore. You think that this would be covered somewhere, but it wasn’t.

Second lesson that my friend should know about girls. In the first month, while they are breast feeding, blood will show up in their diaper. The first time I saw this, I again freaked.

All boys everywhere know that blood in urine is a very, very bad thing for us. It means that the Me Suckie Suckie hooker you got wasn’t as clean as you had hoped and you now have a very bad case of crotch rot.

But for a new born girl, this is completely normal. It appears, and they should really tell fathers this, that this is completely normal and that it is caused by the hormones mom is passing along. Hossmom told me this right before I was about to chew the doctor out on the phone. I have no idea how she knew this as I attended every same class as her. For the next 3 days though I was hovering over that child looking for any sign of herpes that I could see, ready to spring into action. So, my friend, when your girl has blood in her urine, it’s ok. It does not mean that some unclean ugly baby in the nursery next to your daughter gave her gonorrhea from the toilet seat.

Moving on. There will come a time, somewhere when you daughter can learn to grab for stuff, that you will be walking into a store. 5 minutes in and she will grab something off the shelf. She won’t even be that interested in it but this is what will go through your mind: “She’s my princess. If I don’t buy this for her then she will think I am a bad father. I’ll think I’m a bad father. I’m going to buy it.”

So you’ll buy whatever she grabbed off the shelf in order to buy your daughters affection. It may be a new toy, it may be a power washer, you are going to buy it. Father’s can’t help it. NEVER, under any circumstances, take your daughter to a jewelry store. This is the precise moment that you will realize that you are not all that “strict” and that your daughter has got you completely wrapped around her finger. Just remember this: clear cut diamonds are EXPENSIVE, you deadbeat.

Finally, never, under any circumstances, should you dress your daughter by yourself without having mom pick out the clothes first. Trust me on this, I have tried many times. She ends up looking like some extra in the movie Mad Max. Everyone knows that we mean well, but we just can’t do it. Mismatching socks will be the least of your concerns. No one will notice that as they call child welfare because your daughter has on a pajama top that you mistook for normal daytime wear.

I could go on and on here for my friend. The 2 and ½ years that I have had my daughter has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life but has also let me know what a complete idiot I am. Every moment that goes by with her I am grateful that I had her first. Each day she finds a way to break my heart just a little bit more and make me even more proud of her.

In the beginning I was a little rough around the edges, a little too hard for my own good. Visions of my son playing linebacker needed to be replaced. She needed to knock me down a few pegs so that I could be a truly caring father, one that had to learn that my expectations of my kids should not exceed who they are.

Now if you will excuse me for a moment, the circus is in town and I have to go talk to a guy about buying an elephant.