Is anyone else tired of hearing the term "My Friend" from McCain? It sounds like he is trying to sell me a time share.
Listen, my friend, this is a deal of a life time. My friend, wouldn't you and your family like to vacation here, my friend, and own it for 2 weeks? My friend, you cannot pass up this opportunity! My friend, supplies are limited and this won't be available for long. Listen, my friend, I've got a lot hot offers on this little hot property, my friend.
Seriously man, it's starting to really bug me.
10/8/08
10/6/08
The Diner Party
Please, come and Join our Dinner PartyHossmom came home the other day and let me know that she was going to be late this week because she had to wine and dine a client. They were going to have steak.
I gotta tell ya, I got a little jealous.
Being a stay at home dad, you do miss out on some stuff and up until now I haven’t felt any the worse for it. I don’t miss all the politics that you had to deal with. I don’t miss the cliques or the power struggles that you had to side step and I don’t miss a lot of the morons that promoted their equally unqualified friends. I don’t miss any of that.
But I do miss free food.
No, let me be more clear. I miss the free food that someone else cooks for you. I miss the free food that someone else cleans up after you. I miss the free food that does not go sailing passed my head courtesy of a 2 year old because lord fucking forbid if she eats a broccoli that I may or may not have hidden in her mac and cheese. I miss the free food where you get to actually eat the whole meal instead of getting up halfway to take someone to the potty only to turn your back to find a lost size 3 shoe and get sprayed with toilet water. And as you dance around with equal parts disgust and amazement that someone that young can move so fast, all of a sudden you are tapping your foot and making a gay move in the guy in the next stall.
I miss those things.
I try to be positive about it when this happens. I have my own “dinner meeting” with Little Hoss and Bubba Hoss. We get out the fancy chicken nuggets, the ones shaped like dinosaurs, and grape juice 2008, a great year. We discuss the events of the day, such as if Blue, from Blues Clues, is taking a big hit in the current market downturn as he seems to be heavily leveraged into securities at the moment. Afterwards we retire to the den and have cocktails of juice and perhaps an after dinner cookie.
Then Little Hoss hits her little brother and all hell breaks lose. That’s my dinner party.
And yeah, sometimes it gets to be a little crappy when Hossmom goes out into the real world and hobknobs with the bigshots while I’m home deciding if it counts as bath time if we had to use a lot of wet wipes that day.
So Hossmom went out and I had one request, just one. I thought it was a fair request. And don’t get me wrong, I love what I do but sometimes you do miss being able to go out to a restaurant and not have to worry about if the kids are going sing “Clementine” at the top of their lungs for the enjoyment of the other patrons.
So what was my request? Bring me home a steak. Bring me home a nice, big juicy steak. Medium cooked with a slight touch of garlic on it. Surely during the dinner, as she is feeding the highpriced clients bottles of wine, she can slip in an order for an extra steak. Why not?
Hossmom came home, the kids where in bed and I was eagerly waiting for my steak. But Hossmom didn’t have anything in her hand when she came home. Maybe she left it in the car?
Nope. No steak. Nothing.
When I inquired she stated that they decided to go for Italian instead. I ask you, how often do you have to go out to get tired of steak?
No worries, we have plenty of dinosaur Chicken Nuggets.
10/5/08
Joe Six Pack
Hi.
I’m Joe Six Pack and there has been a lot of talk about me this current election cycle. I mean seriously, there just appears to be a lot of attention coming my way. Trying to relate to me, trying to speak my lingo, trying to set me up some Hockey Mom Hooch.
Hey, I appreciate it. I really do. But in all fairness I really got to let you guys know that you should, you know, probably quit wasting your money. I know, it sounds weird. But your money would be better spent trying to actually fix shit and not trying to set up a lunch date with me in my trailer.
You see, Joe Six Pack don’t vote. I’ll say I’ll vote. I’ll even argue politics. But there is no way in hell that Joe Six Pack votes. Because on Nov 3rd, as is my custom, I will soon be trying to be Joe 12 Pack and if the cards stack up right, by the end of the night I will be Joe Keg-Stand.
Look, I know that you are trying to spend a lot of time trying to relate to me and my kind but you should really knock it off. All those “You Betcha”s and “Boy Howdy’s” just make you look stupid. Sure, I talk to my family that way but I don’t talk to my boss that way. When I’m out giving a speech to a lot of people I don’t add a drawl because I don’t want to sound stupid. Let’s face it, you are running for the highest office in the land not to be a Manager’s of Popyes. Unless you have the U.S.A. start serving taters with our foreign policy, seriously, knock it off.
And while I’m at it, I’ve got to insert a dude rule here for you. You can’t invent your own nickname then use your own nickname, ok there Castanza. If you want to be called the T-Bone Maverick, that’s fine but let other people do it. You come off a little desperate when you continuously refer to yourself that way. Unless you are P. Diddy, don’t do it.
I know that the message you are trying to come across with is that “Anyone Can Be President.” That may be so but let’s face it, not Anyone Should Be president. No fucking way. I myself am grossly unqualified to be president. If that should happen I guarantee that a slip and slide would be set up on the south lawn within a day and Secretary of state would be Larry Flint. When we decide to quit the war I’ll have my Hockey Mom wife contact the phone tree to let everyone know not to show up tomorrow. That’s my administration.
My point is, you should be exceptional in order to attain that office. I’ll make it easy for you. If you are the guy that goes to a casino and never leaves the BlackJack table, you should not be president. Our president should be the guy that goes straight to the high stakes poker room and then walks out an hour later with the owner of the casino comping him free hookers. That’s our man. We gotta have someone that can see and play all the angles.
I’m not saying that I’m a bad guy. I’m not even saying I’m a dumb guy. I’m just saying that there has to be people out there smarter and better than me to run this country. Let me focus on specializing my barbecue sauce and you guys focus on making sure my beer stays under 2 bucks a bottle. If you can do that, then we should be just fine. You Betcha.
I’m Joe Six Pack and there has been a lot of talk about me this current election cycle. I mean seriously, there just appears to be a lot of attention coming my way. Trying to relate to me, trying to speak my lingo, trying to set me up some Hockey Mom Hooch.
Hey, I appreciate it. I really do. But in all fairness I really got to let you guys know that you should, you know, probably quit wasting your money. I know, it sounds weird. But your money would be better spent trying to actually fix shit and not trying to set up a lunch date with me in my trailer.
You see, Joe Six Pack don’t vote. I’ll say I’ll vote. I’ll even argue politics. But there is no way in hell that Joe Six Pack votes. Because on Nov 3rd, as is my custom, I will soon be trying to be Joe 12 Pack and if the cards stack up right, by the end of the night I will be Joe Keg-Stand.
Look, I know that you are trying to spend a lot of time trying to relate to me and my kind but you should really knock it off. All those “You Betcha”s and “Boy Howdy’s” just make you look stupid. Sure, I talk to my family that way but I don’t talk to my boss that way. When I’m out giving a speech to a lot of people I don’t add a drawl because I don’t want to sound stupid. Let’s face it, you are running for the highest office in the land not to be a Manager’s of Popyes. Unless you have the U.S.A. start serving taters with our foreign policy, seriously, knock it off.
And while I’m at it, I’ve got to insert a dude rule here for you. You can’t invent your own nickname then use your own nickname, ok there Castanza. If you want to be called the T-Bone Maverick, that’s fine but let other people do it. You come off a little desperate when you continuously refer to yourself that way. Unless you are P. Diddy, don’t do it.
I know that the message you are trying to come across with is that “Anyone Can Be President.” That may be so but let’s face it, not Anyone Should Be president. No fucking way. I myself am grossly unqualified to be president. If that should happen I guarantee that a slip and slide would be set up on the south lawn within a day and Secretary of state would be Larry Flint. When we decide to quit the war I’ll have my Hockey Mom wife contact the phone tree to let everyone know not to show up tomorrow. That’s my administration.
My point is, you should be exceptional in order to attain that office. I’ll make it easy for you. If you are the guy that goes to a casino and never leaves the BlackJack table, you should not be president. Our president should be the guy that goes straight to the high stakes poker room and then walks out an hour later with the owner of the casino comping him free hookers. That’s our man. We gotta have someone that can see and play all the angles.
I’m not saying that I’m a bad guy. I’m not even saying I’m a dumb guy. I’m just saying that there has to be people out there smarter and better than me to run this country. Let me focus on specializing my barbecue sauce and you guys focus on making sure my beer stays under 2 bucks a bottle. If you can do that, then we should be just fine. You Betcha.
9/30/08
Join the Cult, save a life
Take a look to the left of this post. You should see a link called "The Hossman Cult." Go ahead and click on it if you want to join me in greatness. Take the Blue Pill, Neo, take the blue pill.
Basically, as I understand it, it is a way for you become a follower of this blog and it is part of my worldwide plan to become a Tax Exempt entitiy. If Rush Limbaugh can have a bunch of nut job crazies following his every bowel movement, why can't I? As I write this, there is only one follower and that follower is me. That is part of the philosphy of this cult, I follow my own lead.
It's just one of the new features that I have added to the new look of the blog. If you look below the Cult link you will also see a way to suscribe to the blog. Sign up for that and you will be notified when a new blog is posted instead of checking this site out 1000 times a day and then having crushing anxiety attacks when nothing is posted. That's another part of the Cult philosphy--help out the little guy but don't drink the juice. We don't drink tainted juice here, our juice is 100% poison free. Maybe not baby vomit free but that won't kill you, just give you the runs a little bit.
I wish I could take most of the credit for the new look of the blog but sadly, I can't. I can't because I have the fashion sense of a blind monkey with the color cordination of roadkill. I often tell people I am color blind when they asked me why I dressed the way I did. I'm not. I can very much tell the difference between green and red. What you see is just very poor choices in clothing that I tend to make when not under the supervision of my wife.
I once bought a pair of plastic shoes. And not cool crocs. No, this was back in 1993 and they were plastic and purple. I thought they were cool and went great with my Brad Pitt hair. Sadly, they were not and now I've lost my hair as a direct result of my poor fashion sense. So I leave all the "look" of things to Hossmom when ever possible. So she sat down and took my constructive critiscm (That sucks!) and redid the look of my blog for me. Most of it was finished when she told me to get away or she would resort to violence. That didn't work so then she threatened to reveal my most inner secrets. I said hey, I blog, I have no more secrets. I once took a crap on a neighbors fence because I couldn't hold it until I got home. It wasn't a prank, I just couldn't make it. I was 24. What secrets do I have left?
So finally she started to pull out chest hairs, my one weakness, until I left her alone and there you go--the new look of the blog. I got a makeover, rock on.
Some of it is still under construction, such as links to other blogs, but should get there pretty soon because I know that you guys that are working need something to do 7 hours a day besides working. Hey, I used to sit at my computer and read all day, do an hour or real work, then go back to reading other blogs. Don't be shocked, you do that shit too, we all know it.
When the Cult is up and running, all members will recieve white robes and we will begin to vote on politics making us an official "Voting Block" that needs to be catered to. What will we vote for? Paying stay at home dads. That's our one issue so jump on board. If you don't, then my kids will grow up to be motorcycle houligans and ride thier bikes in convience stores and not pay taxes. Do you really want the responsiblity of that? What a bad bad person you all. Ok, I gotta go now because Little Hoss is hurling cat food across the room and making the dogs chase it. Not that I mind it that much, but she's also eating it and I should really stop that. It's the first step to houligany.
Basically, as I understand it, it is a way for you become a follower of this blog and it is part of my worldwide plan to become a Tax Exempt entitiy. If Rush Limbaugh can have a bunch of nut job crazies following his every bowel movement, why can't I? As I write this, there is only one follower and that follower is me. That is part of the philosphy of this cult, I follow my own lead.
It's just one of the new features that I have added to the new look of the blog. If you look below the Cult link you will also see a way to suscribe to the blog. Sign up for that and you will be notified when a new blog is posted instead of checking this site out 1000 times a day and then having crushing anxiety attacks when nothing is posted. That's another part of the Cult philosphy--help out the little guy but don't drink the juice. We don't drink tainted juice here, our juice is 100% poison free. Maybe not baby vomit free but that won't kill you, just give you the runs a little bit.
I wish I could take most of the credit for the new look of the blog but sadly, I can't. I can't because I have the fashion sense of a blind monkey with the color cordination of roadkill. I often tell people I am color blind when they asked me why I dressed the way I did. I'm not. I can very much tell the difference between green and red. What you see is just very poor choices in clothing that I tend to make when not under the supervision of my wife.
I once bought a pair of plastic shoes. And not cool crocs. No, this was back in 1993 and they were plastic and purple. I thought they were cool and went great with my Brad Pitt hair. Sadly, they were not and now I've lost my hair as a direct result of my poor fashion sense. So I leave all the "look" of things to Hossmom when ever possible. So she sat down and took my constructive critiscm (That sucks!) and redid the look of my blog for me. Most of it was finished when she told me to get away or she would resort to violence. That didn't work so then she threatened to reveal my most inner secrets. I said hey, I blog, I have no more secrets. I once took a crap on a neighbors fence because I couldn't hold it until I got home. It wasn't a prank, I just couldn't make it. I was 24. What secrets do I have left?
So finally she started to pull out chest hairs, my one weakness, until I left her alone and there you go--the new look of the blog. I got a makeover, rock on.
Some of it is still under construction, such as links to other blogs, but should get there pretty soon because I know that you guys that are working need something to do 7 hours a day besides working. Hey, I used to sit at my computer and read all day, do an hour or real work, then go back to reading other blogs. Don't be shocked, you do that shit too, we all know it.
When the Cult is up and running, all members will recieve white robes and we will begin to vote on politics making us an official "Voting Block" that needs to be catered to. What will we vote for? Paying stay at home dads. That's our one issue so jump on board. If you don't, then my kids will grow up to be motorcycle houligans and ride thier bikes in convience stores and not pay taxes. Do you really want the responsiblity of that? What a bad bad person you all. Ok, I gotta go now because Little Hoss is hurling cat food across the room and making the dogs chase it. Not that I mind it that much, but she's also eating it and I should really stop that. It's the first step to houligany.
9/27/08
My Comeback
Well, I’m back. A month and a half off and I’m back in the virtual world where I am a Viking and not a slightly overweight yet ruggedly handsome middle aged stay at home dad.
I stick by the ruggedly handsome part, even though my wife recently described me, when asked if I was handsome “Well, he grows on you.”
So basically I am a fungus that grows on you and takes care of your kids. Let’s see fucking mushrooms do that.
Thanks Hossmom for the vote of confidence.
I swear to God that I’ll go and put on the letter jacket and get so much wool that I could open a Chinese sweatshop making knock-off Gucci G-Strings. Because let’s face it, I’m the kind of guy that would get a kick out of making women’s panties.
And I grow on you.
But because I am a stay at home dad and don’t have the time for the intricate inner politics of a G-string factory, I am returning to blogging. I do realize that my month off has cost me some of my readers, probably a lot of readers as they have not been content to read old stories. Hey, that’s ok, I will lure new readers.
XXX, Teen First Time Nude Virgin Sluts Free Hardcore Porn.
And there you go, I should be sufficiently searched on all the search engines to bump my readership right up to one of the most read blogs in the universe. Good to have you all here, stick around a little, enjoy the funny fat man making funny stories with his kids.
My daughter, Little Hoss, jumped on my balls today. See, there you go. A comedy clasic, I'm full of them.
So what have I been doing this last month. Mainly sleeping. But besides that, finishing the move that my family and I have decided it was time for. In a period of 5 months, Hossmom and myself decided to have another kid (Bubba Hoss), quit my job, wife start a new job, and move to a new state. Fantastic decisions. I herby officially change my hair status from “Going Bald” to “Completely fucking hairless.”
But that’s not all I was doing. I was living life and getting material to write about so that my wife will continue to think I am funny and not divorce my ass because let’s face it, as a stay at home dad now I would be totally fucked. Not only would I not get the kids in any divorce but I doubt I would get any alimony as well. Half only applies if you have boobs.
The kids like me better though, that should count for something.
Imagine what you would do if you didn’t have a job, pretty much unlimited time and two kids to use as an excuse to do what you want to do? What would you do?
Let me tell you what I did: I am the fucking king of the plastic ball pit. Slides are more fun when you are 30. The pool kicks ass at 9:30 on a Tuesday. Naps after lunch are better than budget meetings after lunch. Hot moms love dads that actually take care of their kids and who forget their wedding rings on occasion. Civil War museums and battlefields count as continuing education. Mixing yellow play-do and red play-do do not make green play-do but does a hell of a job of staining the carpet. And singing “She’ll be coming around the mountain” 5,000 times starts to grow on you like black mold or a blogging husband. I am living the American dream. Suck it.
And what does all that get me? Qualified to be the V.P., that’s what. I’m waiting for my phone call, bucko. Fuck it, I've seen Mexico, that counts as experience.
The new blogs will start this week and continue until my dominance is unquestioned and I break the internet. Or until I get tired of it, which ever comes first.
Enjoy the new look and enjoy, I’ll do my best.
I stick by the ruggedly handsome part, even though my wife recently described me, when asked if I was handsome “Well, he grows on you.”
So basically I am a fungus that grows on you and takes care of your kids. Let’s see fucking mushrooms do that.
Thanks Hossmom for the vote of confidence.
I swear to God that I’ll go and put on the letter jacket and get so much wool that I could open a Chinese sweatshop making knock-off Gucci G-Strings. Because let’s face it, I’m the kind of guy that would get a kick out of making women’s panties.
And I grow on you.
But because I am a stay at home dad and don’t have the time for the intricate inner politics of a G-string factory, I am returning to blogging. I do realize that my month off has cost me some of my readers, probably a lot of readers as they have not been content to read old stories. Hey, that’s ok, I will lure new readers.
XXX, Teen First Time Nude Virgin Sluts Free Hardcore Porn.
And there you go, I should be sufficiently searched on all the search engines to bump my readership right up to one of the most read blogs in the universe. Good to have you all here, stick around a little, enjoy the funny fat man making funny stories with his kids.
My daughter, Little Hoss, jumped on my balls today. See, there you go. A comedy clasic, I'm full of them.
So what have I been doing this last month. Mainly sleeping. But besides that, finishing the move that my family and I have decided it was time for. In a period of 5 months, Hossmom and myself decided to have another kid (Bubba Hoss), quit my job, wife start a new job, and move to a new state. Fantastic decisions. I herby officially change my hair status from “Going Bald” to “Completely fucking hairless.”
But that’s not all I was doing. I was living life and getting material to write about so that my wife will continue to think I am funny and not divorce my ass because let’s face it, as a stay at home dad now I would be totally fucked. Not only would I not get the kids in any divorce but I doubt I would get any alimony as well. Half only applies if you have boobs.
The kids like me better though, that should count for something.
Imagine what you would do if you didn’t have a job, pretty much unlimited time and two kids to use as an excuse to do what you want to do? What would you do?
Let me tell you what I did: I am the fucking king of the plastic ball pit. Slides are more fun when you are 30. The pool kicks ass at 9:30 on a Tuesday. Naps after lunch are better than budget meetings after lunch. Hot moms love dads that actually take care of their kids and who forget their wedding rings on occasion. Civil War museums and battlefields count as continuing education. Mixing yellow play-do and red play-do do not make green play-do but does a hell of a job of staining the carpet. And singing “She’ll be coming around the mountain” 5,000 times starts to grow on you like black mold or a blogging husband. I am living the American dream. Suck it.
And what does all that get me? Qualified to be the V.P., that’s what. I’m waiting for my phone call, bucko. Fuck it, I've seen Mexico, that counts as experience.
The new blogs will start this week and continue until my dominance is unquestioned and I break the internet. Or until I get tired of it, which ever comes first.
Enjoy the new look and enjoy, I’ll do my best.
9/16/08
New Blogs Coming
Thanks for the month off, it's been great being able to get my house in order and take a short break. I know that I lost alot of readers but if you love them, they will come back and worship at my fat feet.
New blogs are coming next week, getting things together now. For those that have been waiting I appreciate your willingness to stick with us during these tough econimic times. Also, does Palin bother the shit out of anyone else besides me?
New blogs are coming next week, getting things together now. For those that have been waiting I appreciate your willingness to stick with us during these tough econimic times. Also, does Palin bother the shit out of anyone else besides me?
8/3/08
Once again, a goosegg.
I've got nothing. I have ideas, don't get me wrong. But for some reason I'm finding them difficult to put down on paper. Maybe I'm distracted. I'm sitting here watching that movie The Core. Man does this suck. Seriously, don't go see this.
Bubba Hoss farted on me today. Maybe his stink has gotten all over my funny. Hopefully, I will be able to get some deorderizer and get back on track this week. In the meantime, just look at some porn we all know that's your back up website anyway.
Bubba Hoss farted on me today. Maybe his stink has gotten all over my funny. Hopefully, I will be able to get some deorderizer and get back on track this week. In the meantime, just look at some porn we all know that's your back up website anyway.
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