Joe Six Pack

Hi.

I’m Joe Six Pack and there has been a lot of talk about me this current election cycle. I mean seriously, there just appears to be a lot of attention coming my way. Trying to relate to me, trying to speak my lingo, trying to set me up some Hockey Mom Hooch.

Hey, I appreciate it. I really do. But in all fairness I really got to let you guys know that you should, you know, probably quit wasting your money. I know, it sounds weird. But your money would be better spent trying to actually fix shit and not trying to set up a lunch date with me in my trailer.

You see, Joe Six Pack don’t vote. I’ll say I’ll vote. I’ll even argue politics. But there is no way in hell that Joe Six Pack votes. Because on Nov 3rd, as is my custom, I will soon be trying to be Joe 12 Pack and if the cards stack up right, by the end of the night I will be Joe Keg-Stand.

Look, I know that you are trying to spend a lot of time trying to relate to me and my kind but you should really knock it off. All those “You Betcha”s and “Boy Howdy’s” just make you look stupid. Sure, I talk to my family that way but I don’t talk to my boss that way. When I’m out giving a speech to a lot of people I don’t add a drawl because I don’t want to sound stupid. Let’s face it, you are running for the highest office in the land not to be a Manager’s of Popyes. Unless you have the U.S.A. start serving taters with our foreign policy, seriously, knock it off.

And while I’m at it, I’ve got to insert a dude rule here for you. You can’t invent your own nickname then use your own nickname, ok there Castanza. If you want to be called the T-Bone Maverick, that’s fine but let other people do it. You come off a little desperate when you continuously refer to yourself that way. Unless you are P. Diddy, don’t do it.

I know that the message you are trying to come across with is that “Anyone Can Be President.” That may be so but let’s face it, not Anyone Should Be president. No fucking way. I myself am grossly unqualified to be president. If that should happen I guarantee that a slip and slide would be set up on the south lawn within a day and Secretary of state would be Larry Flint. When we decide to quit the war I’ll have my Hockey Mom wife contact the phone tree to let everyone know not to show up tomorrow. That’s my administration.

My point is, you should be exceptional in order to attain that office. I’ll make it easy for you. If you are the guy that goes to a casino and never leaves the BlackJack table, you should not be president. Our president should be the guy that goes straight to the high stakes poker room and then walks out an hour later with the owner of the casino comping him free hookers. That’s our man. We gotta have someone that can see and play all the angles.

I’m not saying that I’m a bad guy. I’m not even saying I’m a dumb guy. I’m just saying that there has to be people out there smarter and better than me to run this country. Let me focus on specializing my barbecue sauce and you guys focus on making sure my beer stays under 2 bucks a bottle. If you can do that, then we should be just fine. You Betcha.