Well, I’m back. A month and a half off and I’m back in the virtual world where I am a Viking and not a slightly overweight yet ruggedly handsome middle aged stay at home dad.
I stick by the ruggedly handsome part, even though my wife recently described me, when asked if I was handsome “Well, he grows on you.”
So basically I am a fungus that grows on you and takes care of your kids. Let’s see fucking mushrooms do that.
Thanks Hossmom for the vote of confidence.
I swear to God that I’ll go and put on the letter jacket and get so much wool that I could open a Chinese sweatshop making knock-off Gucci G-Strings. Because let’s face it, I’m the kind of guy that would get a kick out of making women’s panties.
And I grow on you.
But because I am a stay at home dad and don’t have the time for the intricate inner politics of a G-string factory, I am returning to blogging. I do realize that my month off has cost me some of my readers, probably a lot of readers as they have not been content to read old stories. Hey, that’s ok, I will lure new readers.
XXX, Teen First Time Nude Virgin Sluts Free Hardcore Porn.
And there you go, I should be sufficiently searched on all the search engines to bump my readership right up to one of the most read blogs in the universe. Good to have you all here, stick around a little, enjoy the funny fat man making funny stories with his kids.
My daughter, Little Hoss, jumped on my balls today. See, there you go. A comedy clasic, I'm full of them.
So what have I been doing this last month. Mainly sleeping. But besides that, finishing the move that my family and I have decided it was time for. In a period of 5 months, Hossmom and myself decided to have another kid (Bubba Hoss), quit my job, wife start a new job, and move to a new state. Fantastic decisions. I herby officially change my hair status from “Going Bald” to “Completely fucking hairless.”
But that’s not all I was doing. I was living life and getting material to write about so that my wife will continue to think I am funny and not divorce my ass because let’s face it, as a stay at home dad now I would be totally fucked. Not only would I not get the kids in any divorce but I doubt I would get any alimony as well. Half only applies if you have boobs.
The kids like me better though, that should count for something.
Imagine what you would do if you didn’t have a job, pretty much unlimited time and two kids to use as an excuse to do what you want to do? What would you do?
Let me tell you what I did: I am the fucking king of the plastic ball pit. Slides are more fun when you are 30. The pool kicks ass at 9:30 on a Tuesday. Naps after lunch are better than budget meetings after lunch. Hot moms love dads that actually take care of their kids and who forget their wedding rings on occasion. Civil War museums and battlefields count as continuing education. Mixing yellow play-do and red play-do do not make green play-do but does a hell of a job of staining the carpet. And singing “She’ll be coming around the mountain” 5,000 times starts to grow on you like black mold or a blogging husband. I am living the American dream. Suck it.
And what does all that get me? Qualified to be the V.P., that’s what. I’m waiting for my phone call, bucko. Fuck it, I've seen Mexico, that counts as experience.
The new blogs will start this week and continue until my dominance is unquestioned and I break the internet. Or until I get tired of it, which ever comes first.
Enjoy the new look and enjoy, I’ll do my best.