Every time I shake hands with someone, I want them to kneel before Zod.  I have no idea why but that is what I am always secretly hoping for.  Man or woman, it makes no difference.  I just want someone to randomly do the scene from Superman II.

I want tampons and maxi pads to come in very nice discreet packages like when you get a dirty mag in the mail.  Is this so hard to ask for?  They should be in a special "guys in a relationship" aisle and not be out in public so that women can look at us in disgust when we are forced to buy them for our significant other.  In fact, they should be in an aisle that is closed off by a beaded curtain and where eye contact is not allowed.  And there should never be a price check on these, let's just call it 10 bucks be good.

I want to pat myself on the back every time I see a kid in public smack-talk his mother or father because I can't even imagine my kids doing this.  I saw a kid call his mom stupid the other day, and not in a joking let's play way but in a mean "you are dumb" kind of way.  The mother just asked him if they should go home.  I can't even conceive of my kids doing this.  They would barely get the "stu..." out before hell rained down.  I have no idea what I have done right in the parenting arena, but I've done something and for that, I pat myself on the back.

I want Doritos's flavored Taco shells to go away.  Very far away.  I puked in my mouth writing this sentence.

I want to do the 6 minute ab workout.

There is a black cat that comes to my back door every night around midnight.  It howls and howls and howls.  The dogs seem to be able to ignore it and I'm not to happy with them.  It would appear that my cat has got himself a little tail in the outside world.  However, I want my cat to understand that you don't bring the needy ones home.  This is what you get.  Never give them your real address, just tell them that you are "in the area."

I have 14 stains on my living room carpet.  I know, I've counted them.  I want to understand the physics behind how they keep multiplying without my knowledge.  Do they separate like single cell organisms or is this more of a horror story plot where they magically appear every morning until my walls start bleeding  and my house tells me to get out?  And for the record, if this happens, I will get out with no questions asked.  On a side note, always make sure the T.V. is off at night.

When guys are together without women around, we make dick jokes.  I have no idea why we do this and I have no idea why they are so funny.  However, I want my wife to laugh at them when I tell them to her later. When she asks me what I did with the guys at the ballgame, I want her to laugh when I tell her that I told my buddy that his Johnson is like a shriveled twizzler instead of her just rolling her eyes and reading her People magazine.  We need to communicate, honey.

Just because the sun is up in the morning, this does not necessarily mean that sleep time is over and it's time to get up.  I want my children to understand this on Saturday at 6:30 in the morning.

I want band aids to fix my hurts like they fix my kids' hurts.  That would be awesome but unfortunately doesn't seem to work on a 30 something old man.  With my kids though, it dries those tears straight up where as I tend to just keep on bleeding.

I want bigfoot to be real and to be my best friend so that we can go camping together and scare people.  Then steal their coolers.  That would be awesome.

I want home repairs to be simple and cost less than 10 bucks instead of me looking at my broken ice maker for 3 hours wondering if I sacrificed a chicken if it would start working again.  After another 3 hours of looking up possible repairs of it on the Internet, I want it to work after I spend the final 3 hours of my day trying to fix it.

I want red meat to be healthy food again.

I want pie to come in sizes 1 piece, 2 pieces, whole pie, or I.V. pie.  I love pie.

In college I once failed a class called "The Care and Management of Companion Animals"  I want to know how I did that because let's face it, that took some serious work there.

I want teeth to get better with age, not worse.

I want an easy post that I can do for Mondays so I can just jot down a few things and then go to bed.

1 comment:

  1. This was very "out there" lol. I think i will Subcribe to your blog.