Paper, Rock, Scissors

Paper, rock, scissors.

I lose.

Paper, rock, scissors.

I lose again.

Paper, rock, scissors.

I wonder why I keep playing and what makes it worse is that I wonder why I play when the prize is every marital decision that my wife and I have ever made.

In truth though, this simple child's game has kept us sane for 17 years and you really can't argue with the results. However, when anyone cares to look at the results of those matches for the 17 years we've been together, you will see that I have lost a good 97% of those matches. So in truth, our marriage works because I do the things that Hossmom does not want to do.

Early on we decided this way to resolve who had to do certain chores that no one wants to do. Who wants to change the cat litter? No one.

Paper, rock, scissors.

I change the cat litter.

This continued when we had children. Who wants to empty the diaper pail?

Paper, rock, scissors.

I empty the diaper pail.

Who wants to get up with the children in the middle of the night when we both are so exhausted that sleeping in the middle of the road sounds like a good alternative?

Paper, rock, scissors.

I get up in the middle of the night.

You can't argue with the results, that would be poor sportsmanship. So why don't I just quit, why do I insist continuing this way of making unpleasant marital decisions? Because I can't help myself, I can't back down. It's a competition and it bothers me that I continue to lose. I can't stop because deep down, buried in my all American soul, I believe that the underdog will make a comeback and whip the Russian Hockey team that is Hossmom in paper, rock, scissors.

But I can't. I keep doing it. She's in my head man, she's in my head. 17 years.

Little Hoss picked up paper, rock, scissors from school. Apparently they are teaching her the proper things in kindergarten and I am happy. We are sitting outside when she challenges me. I promptly lose, as is my style.

She challenges Hossmom.

Paper, rock, scissors.

Little Hoss wins.

Paper, rock, scissors.

Little Hoss wins.

Paper, rock, scissors.

Again, Little Hoss is the victor.

I'm paying attention now, something is happening. For 10 minutes Little Hoss continues to win. For 10 minutes she dominates my wife. The family dynamic is changing right before my eyes and I'm giddy, I'm clapping at every win. Hossmom wins a few here and there but it is only because Little Hoss is off rhythm sometimes. She'll get better with time.

I have created the perfect paper, rock, scissors champion. My wife's wit and ability to guess the right play and my ability to be awesome. Little Hoss continues to beat Hossmom. Hossmom is not sure what to do.

But I do.

This is my minion. I have taught her well.

I hearby proclaim that Little Hoss will be my champion for any paper, rock, scissors decision making. She will stand in for her father, who is too weak to continue. She will take up her father's flag and fight those battles of who takes out the trash or who goes to the grocery store at 10 at night for a gallon of milk. And with every victory, her cries of victory shall herald the coming of awesome and the legion of Hoss!

Hossmom does not like this idea but it's to bad. She lost to Little Hoss in the paper, rock, scissors match to make this decision.