How To Argue In Front of Children

"Dad" my daughter says. "Why are you and Mom yelling?"

"Dad" my son follows up. "Yelling is to loud, you shouldn't yell at Mom."

I am an opportunistic parent and I find that this is the perfect opportunity to teach my children some life lessons.

First off, I tell my children that Mom and Dad aren't yelling at all. We are having a heated discussion and as in most heated discussions the one that talks the loudest wins. It's simple math really. Both my kids look at me and I can tell that they don't understand the dynamic that is currently going on with their mother and I. Which is to be expected, Hossmom and I rarely if ever have "heated discussions" and I can't remember if we've had one in front of the kids at all before now. We usually save up our energy for after bedtime. Of course by then we are both tired ourselves so we call it a draw and just move on.

However it appears that this heated discussion is taking place and my children need to put the debate in the proper context. But for the record, I'm very proud of my kids for calling me out on "yelling" at Mom. Mom is sacred, they get that and I dig it. Now they just need to know what's going on, so that they can understand.

You see children, your Mom is a wonderful lady that everyone loves. She is the rainbow after a spring storm, the early morning light that washes away the night. And like the rainbow and the early light, she never ever admits that she is wrong. Ever. And she only does this with Dad. Dad doesn't know why but this drives him up the freaking wall. All day all he really wants is a nice little apology and for her to admit that she is wrong. Dad's logic is undeniable, it's has the strength of the granite that holds up the mountains. And yet, Hossmom ignores the laws of nature and stubbornly refuses to give me the satisfaction of her ever being wrong. She knows this and yet she still continues on. Sometimes she will be wrong on purpose knowing that it will drive me crazy. This is called being a "woman" and she plays the part very well. Dad doesn't understand this and this is no surprise. Just because you are married for a long time does not ever mean that you will ever understand women because it's a myth, it cannot be done. Like perpetual motion, it only exists in theory. Take note son, this will save you a lot of trouble in the future.

Of course, this is only my side of the "heated discussion" and for full context it's important to include Hossmom's side. You see kids, she says that Dad is the protector, the strength that lifts up the family. He is the rock from which we all stand. And like the rock, he can't see for shit. He can't see that whatever we are having a "heated discussion" about has it's roots much deeper than just whats on the surface. Yet, he refuses to discuss these root causes and only focuses on the here and now. He needs to learn to communicate, to talk for very long periods of time so that the fundamentally issues can be addressed. Because if these root causes are not examined, no behavior can change. And if behavior cannot change, then I AM NEVER WRONG! Sorry, I'm supposed to be writing from her vantage point, just got a bit carried away.

So children, you can obviously see that this isn't screaming and yelling, but two conflicting ideologies trying to find common ground so that one day we can live in harmony that comes from being wrong and addressing root causes at the same time.

Do you understand children, does this make sense to you?

"We can't hear the cartoons" they reply.

......

There is probably a lesson in that, I just can't see it.