That Awkward Moment

It's that sweet awkward moment when your child barges in the bedroom door and catches you trying to mount your wife like the stallion that you are. Everyone freezes, no one moves. In that moment you are trying to decide how much of what your 5 year old daughter sees and how much she understands. In that moment you are trying to decide which course of action to take which can be very hard in this situation.

Love is a beautiful thing, a great thing. And the physical expression of that thing on a Saturday morning is even greater. So you don't want to permanently scar the child by screaming holy hell get the hell out why don't you knock for Christ's sake! You want her to one day embrace all that she is but that may be impossible after she catches her parents in the act. So in that awkward second, you have to make some decisions.

She has to get out of the room, that part is a given. If she stays, you aren't going to be able to finish what you need to finish, which is of course expressing your love in a physical way to your wife. And your wife loves it. Oh, she will say that she doesn't really care for a Saturday morning quickie but we all know that she is lying. I have children to prove it, one of which has just opened the door without knocking.

Your next thought is to chastise yourself for not locking the door. What kind of dumb ass rookie mistake is that? That's what a new parent does, not a 5 year vet like me. I can only blame my wife as she decided to have her clothes off around me. I cannot be held responsible for my actions when I have breasts at eye level.

The next thought you have in that awkward moment when your child catches you having sex is wondering if your wife will let you continue after you have rectified this slight transgression. Maybe, maybe not. Nothing is quite as good a mood killer than a 5 year old staring at you while eating a poptart.

You wonder what you daughter must be thinking. Does she realize that what she is seeing is most definitely not play wrestling? And if she does think it's play wrestling, does she realize that daddy is winning? Or is it dawning on her that Mom and Dad are "making babies" and is this going to be enough to send her into therapy next year and for the rest of her life? You don't want her to start asking difficult questions either, such why is mom reading a magazine while you are wrestling and what's up with Dad's junk? What happens if she yells for her little brother to come up here and check this out. This could get worse, I could ruin multiple lives all in the span of a second. It's doubtful that my wife will ever let me touch her again.

"I'm out of milk." my daughter tells us and then takes another bit of her poptart. That's what she came up with in that second of walking in the door and catching us doing what parents do. She then turns around and leaves as my wife and I scramble for the sheets.

On her way out the door, my daughter informs us that it is "stinky" in our room.

It used to be stinky a lot more often before I had children.

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