I'm debating if I'm going to stop him. I probably should but this falls into one of those "Fatherly moments". I cherish these because I get to be lazy while hiding behind a principle. I feel like a politician.

My boy is walking straight, kind of. It's more of a drunk walk really, the kind of walk you do when you come out of a bar at 4 in the morning and have convinced yourself that you are too drunk to drive. However, you are convinced that you can walk home the 10 miles no problem. All you have to do is go straight, or somewhat straight. Ah, college.

My boy is 4 yeas old now though and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been hitting the sauce so early in the morning unless the fruit juice has fermented, which is always a possibility. But while he is walking straight he is making a critical error in his technique. He is not looking straight. Currently he is distracted by the color of a bag of green beans in the freezer aisle. He does this often as the boy loves to get distracted. I fear what's going to happen when he goes to his first strip club.

These are the things that he has run into so far this morning at the grocery store: 1. A lady picking up grapes. 2. A guy wearing the same color of pants that I have on. 3. A wall. 4. Onions. 5. A bench. 6. My patience.

He fails to head the advice of all grandmothers everywhere. Look where you are going. He is also sitting to close to the TV and his palms will start getting hairy pretty soon. The boy likes to play with his junk. As his father, I really understand the TV and the junk thing. I like playing with my own, it's a life long thing. Grabbing your crotch for a guy gives a sense of security when times are tough. It's saying to yourself "My life has gone to shit but it's ok, my junk is still there." And he has to sit close to the TV because his sister gets kind of loud, all the time, even when she sleeps she wakes up and starts singing at the top of her lungs. I've seen it and considered an exorcism was in order until I realized that her mom does the exact same thing. One day they are go and bust into a harmony and I'm going to open a new club with my freak show of a family. The headliner will be the boy that walks into everything.

So I am faced with this dilemma, do I stop him and correct his path telling him for the 5 thousandth time today to watch where he is going or do I go with the father principal of letting him fail so that he learns his lesson?

It's a father dilemma that's been around forever. Let the boy take his licks and hopefully he'll learn something from it and actually watch where he is going. Or do I stop him and prevent a small injury to his face. Perhaps if I was a mom I could sympathize more with the small injury he's about to take. I would sing him songs while protecting him for the cruel world. But as Dad, I realize that the world is cruel and it's my job to teach him how to cope with that and sometimes that means letting him take one in the face. Plus, I'm getting pretty tired of telling him to watch where he is going. You don't even want to know what Halloween night was like. I do apologize to all my neighbors for all the smashed pumpkins. It was not a teenager prank, it was just my boy getting distracted by pretty things.

2 steps away a loud noise breaks his trance like stare at the green beans and he abruptly stops, moments away from taking it in the face. Another toddler has pulled some french fries out of the freezer and the mom is getting on him. My boy is saved and we continue on our way.

The mom is now is explaining to her son that we are not supposed to pull things out, which is probably how she got children in the first place. Her son isn't listening, welcome to my world, so she squats down to look at him in the eye. Nice move. What is even nicer is the little thong that pokes out the top of her very low cut pants. Very nice indeed. I don't question why people shop in such very low cut things at 9 am on a Tuesday, I'm just thankful for the opportunity to see it.

That's when I run into my son with the shopping basket, catching him right in the face. The kid goes down.

Fatherly lesson learned.


  1. I actually laughed out loud at work.

  2. EXCELLENT! I have to say, my 4 year old son is exactly the same... on all accounts- not looking where he is going, tv sitting, and junk holding (which his mother is always telling him not to do in front of others - I just give him a knowing look). Thanks for a nice chuckle in the middle of a dragging day.