The spider's very existence mocks me. It drives me almost to the point of insanity with it's very being. The fact that it is living and drawing breath (do spider's breath?) is an affront to me. I have tried to kill this thing twice. Each time I think I have either run it off destroyed the very vileness that it is. But it comes back, it always comes back. There is only one answer. It is a zombie spider.
At first I didn't pay much attention to it which is probably how most of these horror stories start. "He seemed like such a quiet guy, we didn't really pay attention to him. We are shocked they found 30 bodies with missing limbs in his flower garden." Thus as it is with the spider.
He set up shop on the back porch with just a small web, really to small for the beast that he is. I thought perhaps he was just visiting some friends in the neighborhood, maybe a time share type thing. Sure, the web was a little close to the back door but if you gave him some space it shouldn't be a problem. At least for me. Hossmom is a different story.
We were cool for a little bit. I minded my business and didn't squish him. He minded his and didn't jump on my head and give me nightmare fuel for the rest of my life. Normally I am the one that takes the dogs out during the evening. I would walk outside, give the spider a nod, he would nod back, and we would get back to our business.
But shortly his web started growing and he got bolder. Pretty soon it covered almost the entire span of the side of the porch and I would swear he had gotten bigger. And then Hossmom decided that she was going to take the dogs out. When she screamed I knew that the spider and I would finally have to have some words.
I let the spider know that he has outgrown our place and his web was a bit large unless he was thinking about catching cats with it, which I wouldn't begrudge him of course. How big is he? Big enough that they should make a movie about him called Crockasaurous VS. Giant Spider. I told him that I would leave him be that evening but by morning he would have to vacate. I thought we had an understanding, man to spider. If it was up to me, ya know, I would have just left him alone. But since the wife had seen him I was forced to take action or be called a shell of a man by my woman and we couldn't really have that. I left it at that and went to bed because I also don't fight large brain eating spiders in the dark, it's not a good policy.
The next morning Mr. Spider was still there and his web had grown. Hossmom wouldn't even step outside. Sometimes though I do think that Hossmom prefers the in doors almost to an agoraphobic amount. It's just a spider, granted it's big enough to drive a car and suck your eyeballs out, but still just a spider. I let Mr. Spider know that I would give him the morning to clear out but after that I would have to take action. When I went back out there in the afternoon, he was gone. I took a very long broom and then knocked his web down. I thought that was the end of it.
The next morning the web was back bigger than before. The big fucker was right in the middle of it. The mocking had begun.
I imagined that he might be a bit pissed that I knocked down his home so again I waited until mid afternoon before knocking it down again. That night he had not come back and there was a bad storm. I felt for him but knew it was for the best.
Day 3 and he was back again. He built his web in the middle of the storm just to challenge me. I don't like being challenged. I like it even less by creatures that can lay babies in my ear. I should have squished him, I admit. But there is a small part of me that didn't want to get to close because large spiders, the size of 18 Wheelers, freak me out just a bit. This time I didn't waste time though. I knocked down his supports on his bed sheet of a web and watched him float away on the wind. I thought it was the best solution. I could claim that it had been an accident when his brothers and sister came crawling for my head. Then I would run like hell and abandon my family.
Day 4 and he was there again. Now he is just fucking with me and it's time to take this up a notch. I grabbed the mop because it was near. It's one of those stringy mops that get heavy when they are wet and my mop was very wet. I then did my best Babe Ruth and took the big swing. I could almost hear an audible "pop" when I made contact. Dead center. I may not have the body of an athlete anymore but I still got the eyes baby. I then squished the mop on the floor just in case he was in there but my bet is that I belted him halfway to Nebraska.
Day 5. He is back. Motherfucker.
I am not dealing with your normal every day spider. This guy can't be killed. He is the undead and he is pissed. If he could speak, I would totally sell out Hossmom and blame the whole thing on her. I would offer him one of the dogs as a peace offering. But there can be no peace between the undead spiders and humans. Only vengeance.
There is only one option.
We have to move.
Posted by Team Hossman