Parental Wisdom

A box of Fruity Pebbles, one of my favorite cereals by the way, that is dumped on the floor will take up a 2 foot square space. The very same box that is poured directly into a high powered fan in the living room will cover the entire living room. According to recent field research by my son and daughter, it would appear that smaller cut up bits of an already small caliber cereal fly smoother through the air and achieve an almost perfect aerodynamic state.

These are the things I know because I am a parent.

A toddler's knee, launched from a height of 4 feet, traveling at 32 feet per second, will achieve a velocity that allows the before mentioned knee to crush the balls of a sleeping father. The resulting scream sounds much like a bear getting rapped by a moose.

Knowledge can be learned from books or experience. Application and evaluation of that knowledge is called wisdom. Knowing a shit ton of useless parental facts is called parental wisdom.

Scissors can easily be manipulated by a 5 year old fingers to cut duck tape. This duck tape can then be applied to the dog in order to "fix his nipples." Upon removal, that dog will not be very happy but at least his nipples will be "fixed".

Two kids, through mimicry, can easily walk around the house screaming "Oh Jesus H. Christ" every time one of them drops a crayon or sees a mess. This has the effect of pointing out parental short commings in a very clear picture causing a certain father to think, Oh Jesus H. Christ, I hope that they don't say that in front of their mother.

I am a the human Wikipedia when it comes to this stuff. This is only the tip of the iceberg of the level of crap that I know.

Mom's panties do not fit on a cat. I didn't think they would but it's good to see the children formulating and testing hypothesis. They do fit on our heads though. That might come in handy one day.

In a head on collision between a toy fire truck and a toy helicopter, the only victim is the 3 year old boy that had his finger between the two reckless big rig operators. Popsicles is the appropriate treatment that can even remotely fix the injuries sustained.

Clementine drove her ducklings to the water, every morning at 9. Until her foot hit upon a splinter and she fell into the foaming brine. We missed her until we kissed her little sister and we forgot about Clementine.

I am Jane Goodall and I am living with a bunch of primates. I have taken very careful notes on behaviors and actions of the tribe that I am studying. I may write a paper when I am done and then not publish it because no one wants to know the things that I know.

Removing the lid from a toy box will double that toy box's cargo capacity thus giving the illusion of clean and organized. However, any wind gusts will distribute the delicately constructed "clean" and thus render your room once again unclean.

Goo rhymes with Poo and Gooey Poo is something that you want no part of.

Seriously, I could do this all day. If only there was someway to use this knowledge to help people. Or make a lot of money. Or make a lot of money to buy Fruity Pebbles and then dump them in a lot of fans. That would be cool.

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