Thank you for coming on this sorrowful day my brothers and sisters. Today we gather to pay respects to all of my shit that the minions have destroyed. Over the last year we have lost much, suffered many transgressions my brothers. We have seen some of our most valued members of my stuff take the next step to the great beyond that is the garbage dump, can I get an Amen.
Life is difficult, full of calamities and challenges. Sometimes we best those challenges, overcome those calamities by use of the all mighty duck tape. Yet sometimes those challenges resist even the power of our sacred tape as they have been smashed beyond all repair, even for the all powerful Hossman, fixer of the wrecked.
This is our time to remember those that have passed beyond. We will remember what they meant to us and what they mean to us now. We remember how we used to spend many hours playing with our Xbox video game controller. We remember vanquishing the zombie hoard, preventing an alien invasion, and tea bagging crap head teenagers. But we also remember the day when one of the minions threw it into dishwasher and then turned it on. When the dry cycle was completed, so was our controller. Goodbye dear friend, we will always remember you.
We will remember our living room carpet. We can never forget it because even though the soul has left it, the stains perpetrated by the minions never will. It is but a husk of what it once was. Cover in juice and urine, it has passed beyond any help that modern science can hope to give it. A vortex has formed near the hallway that sucks up all the hope of all that walk across it. It is not longer a collection of stains, but one giant stain that may gain consciousness and call itself skynet. Beware the great deceiver for he lives there.
We say goodbye to the brand new race track set that the children received for Christmas. We remember the great family fun we all had on Christmas morning, the laughing and the joy shared by all. We also remember when someone decided to take the scissors to the control units. For what reason, no one knows and may never know. But we do remember the carnage we found exactly one month later when we walked in on two children, one pair of scissors and the lost patience of a father.
We have lost cell phones, tv remotes, DVD players. We see the collateral damage of "Let's Hit Each Other With a Stick" by the marks on the walls, the wails in the air. We see stickers left on car windows and left to bake in the afternoon sun. They will never be removed, they will be a constant reminder. It never ends, it never goes away, it will always be with us.
And our newest causalities, my sunglasses. Lost while at the pool. The victim of a very fat toddler foot deciding to use my face as a launching point for a very large jump. The liftoff was flawed and the bridge on the glasses snapped under the strain of the foot. It might have helped if I was informed my face would be used in such a manner, but that is not our way. Our way is to never pay more than 10 bucks for a pair of sunglasses so we don't want to cut our wrists when they are broken which is only a matter of time.
We also say good bye to the replacement pair of sunglasses that I keep in reserve for just such an occasion. Within 1 week of loosing the first pair, the second pair followed suit as it did not appear to wish to survive without it's brethren. This time it was a toddler foot to the temple. You never know where or when the toddler foot will strike, you only know that it will.
We gather today to comfort eachother, but mostly me because I can't own anything without it getting ripped to pieces. Steel cages will not prevent the destruction. They are like acts nature. Sometimes all you can do is remember what they were and be thankful for the time that you had with them. Hold hands brothers and sisters, bow your heads. A moment of silence please. Ignore the crashing you hear, it's only my cell phone.
Posted by Team Hossman