Inner Peace

I am Zen. I am finding my inner peace. I am will personified. Breath in. Breath out. Wax on. Wax off. Calmness. Calmness. Control of emotions. Become the Vulcan.

"DAD!!!"

Calmness. Find the calm in the storm. Find the eye of the hurricane. Live there, become it's god.

A plastic volcano hits me in the head.

Breath deeper. Much deeper. Pass out if I have to, must breath deeper.

We will be at Disney in less than a week. In a few short days we will be in the land of magic. And at that time, I am quitting dipping. That's right, that's when it's going to happen. At Disney World, where dreams come true. Now I have had people tell me that this would be a really bad time to quit. That the stress of traveling will not go well with my nerves. I almost agree, almost.

Disney is tobacco free. There is no dipping allowed on Space Mountain which is probably a really good idea. I also don't think that Mickey would appreciate getting a hocker on his shoe. It may ruin the illusion that they are trying to create. We will be staying in a resort with no car. So unless I bring it with me, I will have no access to chewing tobacco. This is as close to tobacco rehab that I could get and this is what I need. Think the movie Trainspotting except I doubt I'll be diving in any crap covered toilets.

But I know that it will tough, that my temper might come out and I might be an ass. However, I have planned for this. In fact, I have planned for a lot of our Disney Trip. The Hossman family has entered Disney World Boot Camp. A series of tasks to prepare the family for the awesomeness that is Disney. Every night the family has gone on walks with the kids. We all have new shoes and they are now broken in. The length has gotten longer each week. We are getting the kids used to it.

I have also taken the kids hiking and to the Zoo alot this year, without the stroller. Not only to see how they would do but to see how I would do with them in a crowded event. Hossmom and I have had conversations about how to communicate better and what we need in a stressful environment. She needs to yell and I need to punch somebody so it should work out well.

But more than anything, I need to control my ups and downs. When the craving starts, and it will, I need to zen myself like a mother fucking buddhist monk. I have a few rules that I have passed on to the family.

If I ever start to become less than the awesome dad that I normally am, become a prick so to speak, then my wife has a special card. It says "You're a prick" and it means that I have to stop talking and go take a time out until I get myself under control. It was my idea because I know how I'm going to be. She is not allowed to use it after we get back from Disney World. This is good for only 1 week.

Second rule, no one gets in trouble by Dad unless it's life threatening. I just don't trust myself to give an adequate punishment for infractions. I don't want to cancel the whole trip because my daughter didn't finish her breakfast. But I know how I am when it comes to the cravings and I think taking myself out of the punishment will be a good idea.

To do all this, I need to find my control though and this has been my job the last several weeks. I have gone longer and longer each day without it. I have embraced the cravings, expected them and take their challenge. So I breath deep, close my eyes and think of the Dumbo ride and how I would like to punch it so bad that it falls to pieces in front of every child and they start to cry and cry and I just laugh and laugh and the ride explodes and the fire consumes all of fantasy land and the horror oh the horror and I'm in the middle of the horror because some kid hit me in the head with a plastic volcano instead of sitting down to dinner like he was supposed to.........................

Inner peace. Find the inner peace. Deep breaths. Become Zen, become the calm. Gently pick up the plastic and place it back in the toy box and do not throw it at the dog because the dog just happened to be walking by and farted right when you were breathing in.

Calmness. Tranquility. Peace.