I have finally figured it out. I have come upon the truth of the perfect mothers day gift. It's not an easy truth but it's the truth none the less.
What do mom's want for Mother's Day? Do they want home made ashtrays even though they gave up smoking 35 years ago? Do they want yet another knick knack? Do they want breakfast in bed? Well, somewhat.
Here's the truth and this is what they want.
Mom was right.
All the time. About everything. Scientists searching for the single unifying theory need to look no farther than Mom. She was right. Our universe begins and ends with her. She is our reason for being. She is the reason why we are here and she is the one we will ask for on the way out. And that mom guilt that she lays on you? It's because you have failed to realize the awe inspiring ass kickery that she is. We were wrong, all the time, about everything.
And we have never apologized for it. Ever. Not really. You have given lip service. You may have said the words but there is no way you could have meant it because you have no idea how deeply wrong we all were.
So here is the greatest Mother's Day gift a man can give to all the mothers in his life.
I'm sorry mom. You were right. I was wrong. I'm sorry.
That's all mom wants. Acknowledgement, an apology and perhaps a little ownership about what you didnt' listen to her about.
So here it goes. The completion of my mother's day gift.
This may be tough.
I am sorry that I am the reason that we can't have nice things.
I'm sorry we broke grandma's picture, wedding china, dishes, the fence, the car, the roof (you may not know about that one yet), the bookshelves (multiple ones), the T.V., the VCR--you know, there's really to much to list. So I'm sorry for all of it.
I'm sorry I got a tattoo.
I'm sorry I didn't realize that it was for my own good.
I'm sorry that you broke the wooden spoon spanking me. And I'm sorry I laughed when you did it.
You were right, she wasn't good enough for me.
I'm sorry that you had to break so many dishes in the sink over the years while screaming at my brother and I. I will replace them.
I'm sorry I broke curfew and didn't call you forcing you to track me down and embarrass me in front of my friends. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I faked being sick on some school days so that I could stay home and play video games. And no matter how great my fake vomit looked, it was still wrong.
I will always buy the cow rather than get the milk for free and I'm sorry that this was the most awkward conversation that we ever had when I told you I was moving in with my girlfriend. But at least I married her. I am now sorry that I am making excuses for not listening to you.
I am sorry that I rented "Single White Female" for us to watch when I was younger. I didn't know that there was a sex scene in it and I'm sorry it was the most awkward moment between us. My bad.
I'm sorry I didn't eat my vegetables.
I'm sorry I wore tight jeans in highschool.
I'm sorry I didn't think Sears was a cool place to shop.
I'm sorry that I spray painted my initials all over the house.
I'm sorry I didn't finish the yard work that one time.
I'm sorry that I busted you and dad "wrestling".
I'm sorry I didn't knock first.
I'm sorry that I put many holes in the wall. I was a teenager and stupid. I will admit it.
I'm sorry that I hid even more holes in the wall with posters and you didn't realize it until I moved out and went to college.
I'm sorry that I threw green goo on the ceiling to see if it would stick. It did.
I'm sorry that I punched my brother in the face and made you cry.
I'm not sorry that he cried but I am sorry that I'm not sorry about it.
I'm sorry that I took the car without permission.
I'm sorry that I didn't fill it up.
I'm sorry I took your gas credit card and used it to buy porn instead of gas.
I'm sorry that I just admitted that to my mother.
I'm sorry I demanded dressing myself and picking out my own clothes. A really bad idea.
I'm sorry I don't call more often.
I'm sorry that I didn't realize you were always right.
I'm sorry I stole all your quarters.
I'm sorry that I stole a lot of your dollar bills.
I'm sorry we threw a house party at our house when you went on that short getaway over the summer.
I'm sorry we broke the table.
I'm sorry we broke the window.
I am very sorry about all the carpet stains.
I'm sorry I made you insane. I'm very sure you were a cool chick before you had children.
I'm sorry that my music was to loud and I was to close.
I'm sorry that I sat to close to the T.V.
I'm sorry every time I didn't tell you where I was and you thought I was dead.
I'm sorry that at times I thought the baby sitter was mean. You were right, she wasn't a bitch and I needed to eat those lima beans to make me a big strong man.
I'm sorry that you spent a years salary to feed me when I was in high school.
In fact, I'm sorry that I was ever a teenager in the first place.
But most of all, more than anything, I'm sorry that I can't be there this morning to give you breakfast in bed and tell you how much I love you. You are unique and I owe you so much. You're always my mom, no matter how far away I may be.
Love ya mom.