The Garage Sale

The lady is looking at the quarter, studying it like it's the lost treasure of the parking meters. She's intent on it, turning the quarter over and over in her hand. She holds it up to the sun to get a better look at it. She holds it close to her face. She holds it far away from her face. It would appear that she does not know if she is far sighted or near sighted.

She does this for 5 awkward minutes while my hand is out waiting for her to pay me the 50 cents she owes me for the shirt she is about to buy. I'm just sitting there waiting for the quarter while I run the Hossman garage sale. Me, the kids and the lady who is emotionally attached to this quarter. For a minute there, I thought she was going to bite it to check for gold.

The is the second year that we've done a garage sale. When you have children, it turns out that you have so much crap that you absolutely must get rid of it somehow. This is our somehow. We are selling as much as the kids clothes as we could part with. For me, that means everything. For Hossmom, that means maybe 50% as she started crying when she was labeling the baby clothes. And for the children, this means nothing should be sold as suddenly they want everything that I have pulled up from the basement. I put a onsie on my daughters head to show that there is no way that it would fit. She said it did and happily ran upstairs. So we all compromised. They all went away while I got the garage sale ready.

And now I'm waiting for my quarter to pay for the shirt. Normally, I love meeting new people. I like the different stories that each person represents. But I'll be honest, hard core garage sale people freak me out a bit. Eventually she decides that there is something special about the quarter and she can't give that one to me. She reaches into her fanny pack and pulls out about 20 more. This, of course, pisses me off just a little bit more. If she had so many quarters, why not just grab another one if she didn't want to part with the one in her hand. It's like I'm asking for her first born after she couldn't guess my name.

I get my quarter and she moves on, taking with her a shirt and a cat carrier. We have two cat carriers but only have the need for one of them. My wife, um, sent the other cat to "live on a farm".

The next customers show up. In a u-haul truck. 18 feet long.

I don't understand these people. I don't any of these people. At all. I know that they are going to be disappointed with my wares. It's obvious that I don't have any big ticket items, only kid related things. But it has been worn by "THE HOSSMAN FAMILY!" so I'm hoping there will be some keepsake value to some of them. The u-haul people do a quick walk through and head on out, making sure to stop at our free box. This contains broken or old toys that I give away free to kids. I thought it was a nice touch. They did to because they do spend five minutes going through it before leaving.

Next my hip hot ladies show up. The two of them are wearing heals to my garage sale. Suddenly I feel under dressed in my shorts and flip flops. But I flex all the same. Might as well give the ladies a show. They head over to the little girl dresses.

"What about this one?" one asks the other.

"Ew, no. No way." the other says.

I don't know how to take this. I know that my taste in clothes for my daughter has been suspect, but this still seems rather insulting. I'm assuming that they do not notice that I'm right next to the dresses, which is odd as my awesomeness is hard to miss. I flex even harder, throwing some grunts in there as well.

"This one?"

"No"

"This one?"

"Never."

Ouch man. Seriously, I'm right here. And so's my daughter. We are the two people juggeling chainsaws so you'll notice that we are here. We are going to set them on fire next. The hip hot ladies leave without buying anything. The only thing that they take with them is my pride and apparently it was cheap.

The next hip hot ladies that show up are much better. They ooo and aaaa over the baby clothes. They say how cute they are. They love them. They buy an arm load and I give them 3 things for free. Maybe it's because they were hot. Maybe it was because they flattered me by saying my daughter's old clothes were cute. Maybe it's because if they asked if I worked out. Either way, I thought they were nice and I like to reward nice people.

A family shows up next. They have two kids with them, both younger than my kids. This is my go to audience, these are the people that I want. They need summer clothes. But what I really want to do is to get rid of some of these toys that we have accumulated over the years. I have a plan. The parents see the free box and send the kids over there while they look through the clothes. But what they don't realize is that the free box is right next to all the other toys that I want to sale. My hope is that the kids will start with the free box and then move on to the toys I"m trying to sale. Then throw a fit when they can't take it home. Mom and dad will offer a free toy but that toy is crap and the kids know it. Thus, they will crack so as not to cause a scene as I will be judging from my lawn chair of power.

It works as scripted and we unload a Caterpillar riding toy and a truck. I am 10 bucks more awesome.

This goes on for two days. Sometimes it's busy, sometimes it's slow. One time I took a nap in my chair. The kids took half the stuff back inside. In the end, it was a decent sale. I made some green which I will put to very good use. We got rid of some clutter. And the hill people got to come down from their lairs and enjoy the sunshine for a little bit.