Sparkle Screens

Glitter just won't glit itself people. No, you have to get in there and get your hands dirty. Do you think that if you just leave it out it will magically go where it's going to go? Well, maybe if it's windy or the dog licks it and then licks something else, then yes. But glitter glue will do no such thing. Nope, you have to get your hands dirty, you have to get into it up to your elbows. So if you want red glue glitter to stick to your father's brand new window screens that he spent all afternoon building, you got to be prepared to get your hands dirty.

Normal people may just buy replacement screens, but MY dad decided to build his own because for some dumbass reason he bought a house that didn't have any screens. And it turns out that all the windows are an unusual size so that he can't just get premade screens. He has to special order them. Believe me, you don't want to hear that old bastard go off about the cost of a "special order."

So what did he decided to do? Build his own screens. He said, Hey, Little Hoss, you and your brother want to help your old man build some screens? We said yup, Knuckles and I. Knuckles is my little brother and runs interference while I redecorate things like the carpet or the wall. I know I'm only 4 years old but if there is one thing I know, it's interior design. Or in this case, exterior design.

Old Man Hoss went with normal white framed window screens with a black mesh screen to help block the sun. I said "Hey, old man. Don't you think that is kind of boring?" He said no and then distracted me with some bright lights and a sucker. Knuckles was busy chasing a bug so he wasn't any help.

So we went outside to the back porch to do some cutting and stuff. Well, the old man cut while Knuckles and I got out our color supplies and made some pictures for good old Mommy, god bless that woman. Dorthy Mantooth is a saint I tells ya.

The old man got two of the screens done and I was looking at them. I said to myself "Self, that's pretty damn boring. You know that that screen needs? That screen needs some glitter. In fact, all of them do."

So Knuckles and I went through our supplies. We found some markers, construction paper, and of course glitter. Honestly, I don't know why the old man keeps letting me play with it. Seriously dude, you would think that he would have learned his lesson by now. But then I found the extra pretty baby, the thing that would bring the whole ensemble together. Purple Stick Glue. Yeah baby, I saw this at the store and knew I had to get some of this stuff. Get this, it's glue in stick form, and it's purple! How great is that?!

Anyways, the old man finishes building two of the screens and puts them up against the house. I said to the old man "Hey old man, how about some glitter on that bad boy." And he says no and I think that's stupid but I can't say stupid because I get into trouble so I call him a dumbass instead.

So Knuckles goes into action to distract my main man. He starts crying because I may have pushed him. I'm not saying I did and I'm not saying I didn't. I just saying he started crying. So while the old man is messing with Knuckles I grab the red glue glitter and the purple glue stick and go on over.

I tell ya man, I was in a zone. In less than a minute I produced a freaking Jackson Pollock. I was all over the place on that thing. In. The. Zone. It was straight up awesome dude, straight up awesome. My hands were working completely independent of my body. Some red glitter there, maybe a little purple glue there and then bam, Gold Glitter! Didn't see that coming did you my brothers? And I got to tell you, that stuff shows up great against white frames. And where it got on the black screen, well that just sparkles. Freaking masterpiece.

The old man gets done with my distraction and turns back around. I don't even notice because I'm busy in my happy place right now. He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me back. You would expect that he would love it right, I mean how can't you? It's an abstract piece that deserves to be in the MET brother! But the old man doesn't see it that way.

What's he do? He goes ballistic. Goes absolutely nuts, batshit crazy. Has the nerve to ask me why I did that. I tell him "Hey baby, I make art for arts sake, stuff it." It's not my fault if he can see the genius that I created.

He just goes on and on about how I have to be careful and listen, blah blah blah. He gets some water and trys to wash it off but get this, purple glue doesn't come off with water and you can't scrub to hard or you will ruin the aluminum screen. So my artwork remains, suck it old man. Don't stifle my creativity.

By now he's pretty pissed. Says that when he puts these up our house will look like it belongs in a red light district. Says that all we need is ladies in underwear dancing in the windows. I guess my man here just doesn't appreciate sparkles. But he should because everyday from Noon to 3, those windows are sparkle in all their purple glory.