Big Boy Potty

I own this. I am all over this. I'm the freaking Micheal Jordan of this. Go look in the dictionary under the term "Potty Training". You'll see a picture of me. The U.N. has asked me to be a special envoy to potty training.

I went to the store to get my supplies. A brand new potty chair, some underwear with Thomas the Train on them, 2 huge bottles of Sprite, some paper towels and a crap load of M&M's candy. If you are standing behind me you are thinking that I am either going to potty train my almost 3 year old son or I'm going to one hell of a frat party.

I've actually done this before so I know what I'm doing. The last time it took me a total of 4 days and roughly 38 hours of Dora the Explorer. I didn't think my mind was going to make it through but I pulled it out. I'm great under pressure. After 4 days, Little Hoss was going by herself. After a week, she took the diapers off for night time to. Yup, I know what I'm doing.

I got home. Game on man, game on.

It all starts with the presentation. I took my son and told him that I had a present for him. A brand new big boy potty! How awesome is that! And look boy, it has a little drawer on the back, how cool is that! Do you want to sit on your big boy potty and go potty like a big boy??

"No" Bubba Hoss says.

Granted, a set back. I may have lost the initial hook and that's important. But I am not dismayed. I immediately go for the bribes because you can get a kid to do anything with the right bribe.

"Alright, if you sit on the potty and go potty you get all the Sprite you can drink, Thomas the Train on TV and candy when you take a leak. Sound good?"

"Ok Daddy." I should have realized then that the kid would have said anything to get his hands on those things. I could of asked him if he wanted give away all his toys while spitting on Chuggington and he would have said yes.

I got him on the potty. We turned on the TV. We filled him with Sprite. Sippy cups full, many sippy cups full. And we waited. For 45 minutes. For an hour. He sat there the entire time and didn't do anything but play with his junk.

Finally, I asked him once again if he had to go potty. He said no. He said no because he couldn't drink any more Sprite, Thomas was boring him and mostly because I look like a huge sucker that deserves punishment.

I have not given my son enough credit. He is a diabolical genius whose sole purpose is to drive me insane. It's a game and a game that I am losing.

He got off the potty. He pulled up his new Thomas underwear. He took two steps and then pissed on the floor. Round one to you my friend.

I immediately put him back on the potty although I'm not really sure why because he had already taken a leak.

This is how it went for the entire day. He would sit on the potty, play with his junk, laugh, get off the potty and then piss on the floor. Sometimes he made it as far as 4 steps before taking a leak.

Eventually he would tell me "Daddy, I have to go potty" right after he took a leak on the floor. He would do this and then laugh, an evil laugh. I wanted to get him a hairless cat so he could stroke it while laughing.

I tried showing him how to pee on Cheerio's in the potty. He wanted to eat them. I tried to show him how as men we could write out name. He wanted to get a crayon. I tried to show him the greatest game of all time that all men play called "Who can pee the farthest off the back porch." He wanted to go inside.

Day one goes to you my son. You may have won the battle, but the war has just begun.