8/31/10

She'll Never Know

She'll never know that my day doesn't begin until I get a big enthusiastic hug from her in the morning and my day doesn't end until I get big dinosaur hugs from her at night. All the other times I'm just waiting for my hugs.

She'll never know that my proudest moments of her is when she sticks up for her family. My heart swells when I see her protect her little brother. I've done something right, I just don't know what it is.

She'll never know that when she is being a bad girl that I try to hide my laughter when she is explaining to me why she did it in the first place. I can't help it but I have to be tough so that she doesn't do it again.

She'll never know that I totally get why she breaks so many things. My whole life, I have been the same way starting with the riding lawn mower I took apart and tried to put back together causing it to flip over on my father. I completely understand the compulsion and there is a part of me that loves that she acts just like I did. I still do it and I can't explain why.

She'll never know that she is the best helper a father could ever wish for. I would rather install a fan with her than with anyone else.

She'll never know that I like it better when she tells the stories more than she likes it when I tell them.

She'll never know that whenever she sneezes in the sunlight I feel a greater connection to her than she could possibly imagine. Both my children and I do this and it's a genetic thing. I love it.

She'll never know that I love princesses as much as she does.

She'll never know that if she cries enough, I really will give in and do whatever she wants.

She'll never know that one of my big fears of the world is when I have to go back to work. Not because I fear work, but because I won't be able to hang out with her anymore.

She'll never know that her father is only big and strong because she thinks so.

She'll never know that I fix things because she asks me and that I can't take the look in her eyes when I say I can't. One way or another, I will fix it and she needs to always believe this about me. Whether it's a busted toy or a problem in her life, Dad can fix it.

She'll never know that on her first day of school, I will be more nervous than she will.

She'll never know that when I get writer's block, she is the muse that breaks it. She also breaks my phone, my tools and my patience but it is all worth it when I can write again.

She'll never know that when even when I tell her not to punch that kid, there is a part of me that wishes she would punch that kid.

She'll never know that I try to be the same exact parent that my own father was. Everyday, that's my standard.

She'll never know that the reason she has wide feet is because of my genes. Sorry honey, that's all my fault.

She'll never know that I'm just as scared as she is most times but as Dad, I just can't show it. I'm brave for her. I don't like the dark either.

She'll never know that when she says that I'm am the greatest builder, I'm really not but I believe that I am because she told me so.

She'll never know that when she thinks I'm not watching her, I am because I love seeing her playing by herself or with her brother. Even when she is doing something that she shouldn't be doing, I let her do it just so she can discover how far she can go.

She'll never know that when she got up on that horse during her Horsemanship class, I admired her more because it's something that I can't do anymore. Horses don't like me and I don't like them.

She'll never know I'm a better man because I am her father and that no matter what, she'll always be my little girl.

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