Heat Wave

I opened the door wearing my boxer shorts and a wife beater. You would think that I was preparing for my role on Cops. But there were no cameras or policemen there. I stood there in all my glory, the sweat running into my eyes and dripping off my nose. The kids ran to the door with me because they never listen to me. Ever. Who are we kidding, they do what they want and I should feel privileged to be a part of their candyland world.

Little Hoss was in her underwear and Tshirt. No shoes of course because that would just be to classy. Bubba Hoss did one better. He just had on a diaper. That's it. It was one of those photos that will probably show up during divorce proceedings.

I spread my arms letting the repairman take in the scene. Drink it up baby, take it all in. Gander up and down and see the sweat stains. The one on the back looks like a baby horse if you squint. Yes, Mr. Repairman, take a good look. Do anything you want as long as you promise to fix my A/C.

It broke last night. Around 2 am I found myself sweating in bed, not in a good way. At that time, it was 84 degrees. I spent the rest of the night sleeping on the couch with an industrial grade fan blowing over my nether regions.

I called the repairman first thing in the morning. He said he could get there between 11 and 1. He also asked me to stick around in the morning because he might have a cancellation and could get there sooner. I am a trusting fool, a very trusting fool. I would buy a bridge from you.

At 1pm and at 90 degrees, he finally showed up.

He asked me what the problem was. I thought it was pretty fucking obvious. Hell had relocated from the underworld and was currently residing in my house. I was due to play a game of Risk with Hitler at 2. I calmly explained that the AC had broken and that was the reason that I called him. If I knew anymore than that I wouldn't have to call him. The heat was making me cranky.

"Man, it's roasting in here" he said. Thanks big guy, that's one hell of a diagnosis. However, if he could actually fix this thing I would gladly have his baby. Seriously, I would have a womb surgically inserted and I would have his love child. We would name it Felix. He said he was going to take a look.

20 minutes later he came in with the news. The motor that runs the condenser fan had burned out. He shook his head and spoke slowly like he was telling me a relative died. The temperature, both inside and outside my house, was 92.

He said that I had a speciality job and that he didn't have a spare motor. But I was in luck, he just located one right here in town and he was going to go get it. And the price wasn't to bad either, he explained. Only 429 bucks for a new speciality motor. I had no idea if he was telling the truth or not. At that point, I would have agreed to anything. Sure, take the motor out of my car, do whatever you have to, just get the AC working.

We shook hands and I signed some paper. After that he said he was going to get the motor and it should only take him an hour or so. The heat wasn't making me think right, did I hear him right. An hour to get a motor when the place was right here in town? My town isn't that big buddy. I could drive to Iowa in an hour, what the hell? But at that point, what are you going to say? Sure, go have a cheeseburger and a beer and then pick up the motor. We'll be fine as we run experiments on ice melting.

That may have been the longest 45 minutes of my life. Things started to get weird. The kids, in their heat delirium, decided that the only thing that they wanted to do was snuggle with daddy. I pushed them away. They pushed back. I pushed harder. They picked up weapons.

A full on invasion started. The poor dogs were used as pawns as strategic decisions were made concerning acceptable losses. I tied candy to the cat and threw the poor thing at them. I had to remind Little Hoss not to use her brother as a human shield. It was a 45 minute onslaught that ended with us roasting in the sun. The temp was 96 inside and outside the house.

The repairman finally came back and whipped the mustard from his cheek. Burger perhaps? It took him only 20 minutes to fix the AC. I gladly signed and paid the 550 dollar bill, again not knowing if I got ripped off. I didn't care, the AC was working. The kids and I huddled around the floor vents like winos huddle around a fire barrel. Old animosities forgotten, new alliances were made.

Eventually we all put on pants. If there was ever a time to get ice cream, this was it.