Swim Lesson Dreams

It’s not tough to spot Little Hoss in a crowd, especially a crowd of children. Maybe it’s because she is a bit taller than most her age. Or maybe it’s because she exudes a certain aura of fucking awesome. But more likely it’s because she is being raised by a SAHD who himself oozes fucking awesome. If I could translate that into oozing hair on my head, I would be in the movies. Or a freak show.

Over there, see that crowd of kids? The one on the steps of the pool. Obviously it’s swim lessons as you can tell by the superhot swim teacher. She said hi to me. I think she’s in love with me but I told her that it’s only the myth of Hossman that she is in love with, not the man. Then I ride away on my warhorse Unicorn down the rainbow bridge to meet many other hot lifeguards. Swim lessons are extremely boring for parents so it helps if you can make little narratives in your head. Yesterday the superhot lifeguard told me that her uncle was a horrible man that makes her sleep in a closet under the stairs and what she wanted more than anything else was a middle aged fat guy to come rescue her. Before I could though, swim lessons ended and we had to go home.

Anyway, take a look at the crowd of kids. As you can see, they are working on the backstroke. Why they are trying to teach this to 4 year olds is beyond me but as long as they are in the water and I have my fantasies, I don’t ask too many questions, I have an evil uncle to deal with. They are working on the actual arm movements right now and making very little progress, but it’s a good show.

Anyone that has taken swim lessons knows that to begin the backstroke, you must first extend your thumb on each hand and then place it in the water behind your head to begin your stroke. For kids that can barely put their faces in the water, I find that this may be a little to advanced, but I do appreciate the effort and can do attitude of the hot lifeguards.

Let’s see how the kids are doing. We have the blond kid that is flapping like a bird, but not in the water because it also appears that she is afraid of the water. She is being helped by the kid that is running around her whacking his hands on the side of her legs while he is screaming at the top of his lungs “Quack!”. Not quite the backstroke but there is potential there.

Next to them is the kid that has just put his thumbs in his ears. But at least the thumbs are extended. The lifeguard has actually herded one of the kids and has them on their back and I guess he is doing something of a stroke, although it looks more like the busted artery in the brain kind of stroke rather than an actual backstroke. Get that kid 50CCs of bacon, stat!

And then there is the kid that, instead of extending her thumbs, has made the rock and roll sign of the devil and has both hands above her head. The arms are pumping and her head is swinging wildly. She is only missing an 80’s hair-band light show and some thigh high boots.

Now, of all these kids described, which one is my precious Little Hoss. Which one is being raised by her father as her primary caregiver?

If you said the rocker, then yes, you are correct. Your prize for being so astute is to join me in our next lifeguard fantasy. This is going to be a good one because the hot lifeguard has a hot lifeguard friend that just showed up. It looks like there is trouble in the homeland and what they need is a minivan to help rescue the villagers.

Little Hoss does not seem to be undaunted that she is not actually doing the backstroke right. She is continuing to do the rock out maneuver that I taught her at the age of 2. I’m hoping she goes pro one day. On the pool loudspeaker is the BeeGee’s classic, Staying Alive. Not the best song to rock out to but not a bad one either.

At the end of swim lessons all the kids get to stand on top of the wall next to the pool. This is the big finale of swim lessons and a sign to me that I have to come back from LaLa land of swimsuit ass. The lifeguards gather around the kids and sing a monkey song that ends with each kid jumping into the lifeguards arms. They do splashy splashy for a while and then deposit the kid on the steps. Class is over, please pack up your towels and dreams and head on home.

The bird girl is still flapping her arms and is smacking the kid next to her. Her thumbs are extended at this point though. We call that progress. At the end of the first chorus of the song bird girl holds out her arms and refuses to jump anywhere. The superhottie grabs her and bird girls feet barely skim the top of the water.

Again the monkey song is sung and the kid with his thumbs in his ear is singing right along. He has removed them from his ears and now is putting them up his nose right at the big end of the song. He does a little jump to the lifeguard and makes it safelty, thumbs and all, to the side.

Little Hoss continues to rock out during her portion of the song but the head banging has stopped. You are probably thinking that this is a good thing, that maybe she is starting to understand what they are doing. You would be mistaken. She stopped shaking her head so hard so that she can aim.

The song ends and the lifeguard extends her hands to catch Little Hoss.

Little Hoss jumps the opposite way.

I do love that my little girl has no fear, something that I lightly attribute to my parenting style of “Adventure!” but more than likely, it’s just who she is. She doesn’t want to be caught, she doesn’t want to be helped. She was freedom, as all rocker chicks do. So instead of jumping into the lifeguards arms she jumps away from them, goes under for a minute and then pops back up dog paddeling.

As a SAHD we spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer. We missed only one day in the first 3 weeks of July. As a result, Little Hoss is a pretty decent swimmer for her age and she shows it by swimming to the side of the pool by herself. That’s my little girl, oozing awesome.

I go get Little Hoss and she gives me a wet hug. The teacher tells me how good Little Hoss is doing in her lessons but I only hear “look at my boobs”. Christ she is hot.

We gather Bubba Hoss from his game of “throw rocks in the other end of the pool” and head for home. As we chant “The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on fire” we pass by the lifeguard. “Good News” she says. “Tomorrow is Thong Thursday!”

I’ll be there.


  1. That was f-ing awesome... except at my daughter's swim class, there's a hot nanny who needs my help. And she's VERY grateful for it. Great post!

  2. Why are they making Little Hoss wear a thong?