5 People that I need to thank but I never got the chance to.
5. Coach Dick, my 8th grade science teacher. Thank you for exploding that pickle by using electrical current. That was by far the coolest thing that I had ever seen. I'm sure you've been fired by now for stunts like that but man was that freaking cool. It's not often that a former student comes back and tells you what an impression you made on them. Well, you did and I thank you for it. Now let's take it up a notch and hook a watermelon up to that bad boy.
4. To my 60 year old line mate when I worked at Furr's caferteria. Sure, you were 60 and missing your front teeth and I was 18 and had hair. But that didn't stop you from spending one glorious summer grabbing my ass every single freaking time that I walked by you. Before that I had no idea what the term sexual harrasment meant. And because of that creepiness factor, I have always treated women with the utmost respect. I will never get the vision of your swinging saggy boobs swaying to and fro as I tried to dodge those little grabby fingers of yours. For that, my nightmares thank you as well.
3. To makers of the movie Predator, in all it's forms. One of the first lines I used on my wife was: Hey, you want to back with me and watch Predator. That was over 15 years ago and I consider it one of my most smooth moments, which should terrify everyone. She said yes and I have no idea why. But I credit that movie with my marriage and my children. Face it, Predator brings people together. I would learn later that my wife hates everything Sci-fi but that she loves me very much. A new Predator movie is coming out. I'm taking my wife to it as our little inside joke. With any luck, we might be having kid number 3.
2. To Ms. B, my old college professor who taught me the love of rhythmic gymnastics. You didn't let the fact that I was a 250 pound ex-football player stop you from ordering me to do a rhythmic gymnastics routine in order to graduate from college. You know that my opinion of doing that routine was not very high. You knew that I thought it was about the gayest thing I could ever do. And yet, you pushed and forced the issue. You have no idea how much mileage I have gotten from that story. And with a swish and a twirl, I lay my ribbon at your feet in gratitude.
1. To Jimmy's mom. I'm sorry ma'am, I don't actually know your last name and I doubt that you remember me. But when I was about 10 years old I knew your son. We all used to play wiffle ball in your backyard. Do you remember? It would be when you were sunbathing. You did that little thing where you untied the back of your top so you wouldn't get those pesky tan lines. Well, all of us (except Jimmy) thought it was a great idea. You couldn't be more than 26 at the time but you were about the coolest stepmom we could have hoped for. And when the sprinklers mysteriously got turned on and you jumped up, well, you changed me that day. You started a lifelong fascination that ushered me into a new era of my life. I do believe that was the day I got my first pubic hair. Oh, and thank you for making us celery snacks when you let us watch the uncut version of Fast Times At Ridgemont High.