Hossmom is the main bread winner in this family.
I am not embarrassed that she makes twice what I make. I just figured that I had the good sense to marry well. Does this hurt my manhood? You would think so, but it doesn’t. I have a sugar momma so get bent. I can buy a camel right now if I wanted to. All I have to do is give up the occasional loving once in a while and it’s the easy life for Hossman. That’s not to say that I am not a good provider. I’m a great provider and my job is stable as hell. I have never been fired. Never, in my life. That’s me, number one employee. I have never been downsized or riffed. My wife works for corporate America, #1 loyalty to all employees. So I have had the opportunity to be the sole provider several times. My manhood remains intact as long as I can bring that up every time I want to buy new tool.
But sometimes as a result of my wife’s job, she has to work late. I never work late so that leaves me home alone with the kiddo. I love being with Little Hoss. She’s fun and easy to take care of. We have a routine down with military precision. Bedtime is 7 to 7:30 and then it’s free time for Hossdad.
But during these lonely house husband hours, sometimes the mind wanders. What would I do without my wife? What kind of sad sack would I turn into? Would I be that sad looking guy down the street who is always in his robe? You know the one, it’s white but hasn’t been washed since the Book of Job. Would neighbors avoid talking to me because I have turned weird? I’m pretty sure I would stop shaving. In short, it would be extremely difficult to replace the greatness that is my wife. She takes care of me. She picks out my clothes, makes me go to the doctor and washes behind my ears. She keeps my eyebrows trimmed because god knows that I would never do that. Who even thinks about that. I would be a mess and not the lovable guy you read here today.
So I told my wife my fears because I am so open and a great communicator. We talked and both agreed that I was a hellova catch. But more than that, we agreed that I would shrivel up and die. That would not be good, I have kids. So we decided that I needed to have a backup wife.
I’m not Morman, I want a backup for purely practical reasons. I need someone who will take care of me. Someone who can stroke my ego and make sure that I’m not a wimp. They will have to be content that they are wife number 2. I don’t need any “Big Love” kind of drama, just a hot blonde that is intelligent and has good hooters. I will give you good loving.
So if you think you are qualified, please read the job description below and apply. We offer benefits and great dental.
Wanted: Second wife
Qualifications: Must be between 25 and 30. This is a touch younger than my current wife but why not get a new model. College degree preferred but experience in picking out matching socks can be substituted. Must enjoy my fat feet. Must have a mother in law free of any drama and judgment. Absolutely no kids as most of your time will be spent worshipping mine. Must be willing to stay in the shadows until 1st wife moves on to the pool boy.
Knowledge, Skills and Abilities:
Ø Knowledge of event planning because I never plan our social calendar. I would just show up very randomly at people’s houses, assuming that I had been invited and assuming that the party started when I got there.
Ø Knowledge of current men’s fashion and not in a gay way. Must be able to dress me both professionally and personally. Must be able to pick out shirts that make me look like a body builder and not a fat slob.
Ø Knowledge of sports. You don’t have to be a sports nut, but just have to know who Tom Brady is dating at the time.
Ø Knowledge of movies/tv shows/ and pop culture. Must be able to tell me if that actress I just asked about is any other shows that I would remember. Extra credit will be given if you can tell me what movie that actress was naked in . A written test will be required.
Ø Skills in reassuring me that I am funny and not a smoking monkey with a keyboard. Must laugh at every joke I tell then be able to tell me how to make it better before the public reads it.
Ø Skills in phone talking. I hate mindless chitchat on the phone. You must be prepared to talk to my mom for an hour and then hang up without giving the phone to me.
Ø Ability to do a handstand.
Ø Ability to hate Star Trek. Star Trek is only cool to watch when you hate it and make fun of it. It let’s me know that I am in a select group of coolness. Note: you will be left alone when Star Fleet academy accepts my application.
Ø Ability to overlook my flaws such as no hair, sausage fingers and the sweating I do when I eat mild salsa.
Ø Ability to tell me that I could have gone pro if only someone would have seen me play. It doesn’t matter which sport.
Ø Ability to be in awe when I lift something heavy over my head. If you do not make a big deal out of it, then you are not right for this job.
Initial Screening Criteria:
Candidates will be selected based on your score on a written test with questions such as who played Sulu and a personal interview. Interview will be in a shady motel until I am ready to bring you home to first wife. Must not try to “bump off” first wife so that you can begin your duties. You will live in the city with an apartment you will pay for while keeping me a room there, just in case. Please send racy photo.
Registrations: Must not be a registered sex offender unless you lived in Mexico and it had something to do with a horse.
Final Selection Criteria:
This will be based on a scene from Mary Poppins, the best job description ever written:
From Jane and Micheal:
If you want this choice position, Have a Cheery Disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts. Play Games, all sorts
You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets
Never be cross or cruel, never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us as a son and a daughter, and never smell of barley water
If you won’t scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us.
We won’t hide your spectacles so you can’t see
Put toads in your bed or pepper in your tea.
Many Thanks—Jane and Micheal Banks.
Note: The ability to fly in on an umbrella is worth 50 points on the exam.