Something very special has happened this week. A few may have noticed my counter to the right of these posts. This is what I call my ego establishment fund. The more hits I get, the better I feel about myself. The better I feel about myself, the more likely I am to stay married. Do you want to break up a family? Go ahead, home wrecker, stop visiting my blog and see what happens. Become the other woman. Break up my marriage and take away my child. Can you live with that?
Of course you can’t and that’s why this week I topped 1000 on the counter. But this blog today is not meant to guilt you. Well, yes it is. I’m my mother. Why don’t you visit more?
Hitting a 1000 was a great milestone and was completely and totally your doing. It was your acknowledge that “Hossman, you are great and handsome. Have my baby.” I would like to repay that kindness.
I am able to see where everyone lives who visits this site. Each day, one of the first things I do in the morning is to look at my tracking and try and decide who I know in each city that visits. The original plan on this was to pick the 1000th visitor and take them to a fancy restaurant, shower them with gifts and a pony. However, when I checked, the person who was Mr. 1000 was smart enough to block my cookie. So I don’t know who was is Mr. 1000. I only know that he lives in the USA. So I take that to mean that America loves me.
But tribute is still demanded by Hossman Principle. How do I repay all of you that have read my blog and made me a happier person? I put your city in print. This should make you happy as you are now important enough to write about. I get a lot of requests to “can I make the blog”, so all of you, here is your city in print, you know who you are.
Mahwah, New Jersey—Good morning Mahwah, I have no idea how to pronounce your name. But it is a very pretty name, I’m sure. Are you part mermaid? Are you single? Can we make a Splash prequel? I have a brother in law who plays Hey Cow and is single. I see that a marriage license costs 15 bucks in Mahwah, maybe we can work something out. You check this site a lot, so you obviously dig my kind of writing, my brother in law is even funnier.
Boston, Mass—Hello my Boston People. There are a lot of you guys checking me out. Sorry to let you know though that I am a dude but I have a sister. Go Sox. I don’t watch baseball so I got nothing more than that. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t want to. I try every year to watch but do a massive give up 3 weeks into the season because my Texas Rangers are mind numbing. How about though you take me to a game and get me drunk like I’m your prom date, then let’s see what happens.
Wylie, TX—I have a special place in my heart for Wylie. This is a daily reader, so how do I repay this kind of loyalty? I know that you must get a lot of crap for being a small Texas Podunk town. Don’t let that bother you, you are hip and cool and everyone wants to be you. Just point out to everyone that international soccer came to your area in April and that you are now an international city, like Paris. But instead of moody French People, you have cows.
Detroit, MI—I have never been to Detroit, but that should not mean that I don’t love my Detroit readers. You are the blue collars of America and I’m sure that you can kick everyone’s else except for those of us in Texas. Let’s face it, we are just tougher. We spit and punch things all the time. You can be our little brother though so we will fight all your fights and then let you get in the last shot when the guy goes down because that is what good big brothers do. Now give me your lunch money.
Frankfort, Kentucky—Hey honey, how you doing. Get the house ready, we are all coming down to spend the summer with you. We’ll just be your hick cousins from the internet. Show us off like some weird medical experiment then we’ll overstay our welcome until you have to kick us out. I see that you have a community pool, so we’ll need some sandwiches.
Austin, TX—It is 4:20 as I am writing this, what are the odds that you guys are smoking a bowl yet? Come on, admit it, we see the joint tucked behind your ear. But you have courage as being the only liberal town in a state that is straight Republican. I’m amazed you haven’t been burned out yet. Hang in there and keep reaching for the stars, or in your case, the Honey bottle that you are so proud you turned into a bong.
Ft. Worth, TX—This is a special shout out to my peeps there. I know that I have some law enforcement types doing the justice in that town. But let me ask you, when you make a porn bust, do you actually just keep all the tapes at home? I’m sure the judge isn’t reading this, you can tell us. When you are sitting in court, ready to give some statement, do you imagine yourself wearing a cape? Do me a favor, when you give your last closing statement end it like this “And that’s what happened Biatches”, then tap your fist to your chest twice and raise the peace sign in the air.
Bloomington, Ill—I know absolutely nothing about you and I’m ashamed to say that I am not going to google your name to find out. But let me assure you, you are just as important as Chicago.
Keller, Tx—What can I say about this place except that this is where I grew up. You are my hometown and I love ya. Accept for every time that you pulled me over for an expired inspection sticker. What was that about? I was sixteen and had no money. Give a guy a break, we both know that the POS I was driving at the time wasn’t going to last more than a year anyway. You tailed me like I was a serial killer. I get the severe night terrors now when I see a cop pull up behind me. Thanks for scaring me.
Sweden, France and China: Ok, I’m not going to write your town names because they are to damn long. But it is good to see that you are importing some Hossman.
Rensselaer NY—Welcome NY to the rantings of the south. Please don’t judge the rest of the south on what I am writing, especially when I get to some of my hick type stories. I know how the news portrays us Texans. We are seen as gun loving, mumu wearing, death penalty having, cow yelling, 10 gallon hat wearing rednecks. Well, it’s all true. There, I have confessed it. Right now I am writing all this while sitting in my trailer in my mumu waiting for the next tornado to hit. Please send money.
Thanks everyone for reading this. It’s good to know that some of you out there get my sense of humor. It’s even better when you leave comments. I’ll try to write a lot, even when I’m busy. In the meantime, just keep thinking about me and sending me your panties.