The Hossman Self Help Seminar

Welcome to the Hossman Self Help Seminar. Thank you for coming. You can always be a better you, but how to get there is the question, that’s why you are paying me the money. If you are not living the dream, it’s because there is something wrong with you. Your thinking is all jacked up. If you need to get ahead, then you need to know what you want. If you know what you want, then there is no way that it won’t get to you. Say it with me, what do I want?

I want to be a Stone Cutter.
I want just one god damn sundae without peanuts when I order no fucking peanuts.
I want a spaceship with a teleporter.
I want the jackass that parked to close to me so that I couldn’t get into my own car to have 4 flat tires every time he drives.

Concentrate people! Think hard and the good vibes that you are giving off, there is no way to fail!

I want a slingshot that can shoot me off to work so I don’t have to deal with traffic.
I want someone else to be committed to getting these things for me.
I want for everyone to be ok with my laziness.
I want the Pillsbury dough boy to get cooked in the oven because I always wandered what that would be like.

You are a hard worker, You should be able to get these things if you put your mind to it.

I want an exotic animal farm.
I want someone to pick out all the black jelly beans out of the pack because they blow.
I want the men working on my house to show up on time, do their job, and not take a dump in my closet.
I want to have my hair back, my sweet, glorious Brad Pitt hair.

With the Hossman Self Help guide you can achieve so much more than the Jones’s!

I want to make a hole in one in golf and have everyone believe me without any witnesses.
I want Star Trek to be new and exciting with brand new episodes but the same old cast.
I want gas to cost under a buck, electricity to be affordable and Microsoft to work.
I want Calvin and Hobbes to come back, please come back.

At only 99.95, the Hossman DVD is your key to getting everything that is in your hearts desire!

I want to watch just one episode of Star Trek without being fucking told to change the channel.
I want my daughter to get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts.
I want for everyone to believe that I actually took the time to read the bible.
I want to dance on rooftops with Mary Poppins.

With this hour long Self Help Hossman DVD, you can finally put your old negative ways behind you and put your faith in the Hoss.

I want everyone to give hip one liners like they do in the movies.
I want you to get away from her, you bitch.
I want to be ignored, Dan.
I want to be Luke’s father.
I want everyone to know what movies those quotes came from.

Hurry now, supplies are limited. The first 100 customers get a free T-Shirt with the Hossman Principles printed on them.

I want Little Hoss to be able to dunk.
I want to bring sexy back.
I want to know what love is and I want you to show me.
I want to have a hobbit living in my backyard.

Ok everyone, please step back a little. No need to crowd the podium, there is enough to go around.

I want a magic wand that actually works.
I want every boring commercial on TV to be forever banned.
I want to rob Peter to pay Paul.
I want my sports teams to never, ever choke in the playoffs.

Seriously, get back! I swear to god I’ll bring out my lion whip. Security! Security!

I want to know what Colombian Marching Powder is.
I want a cool Magnum PI mustache and not the porn mustache that I usually grow.
I want Saturday Night Live to actually be funny again.
I want for the next guy that cuts me off to become sterile.

Let go of my shirt! Hey lady, those are my pants! This is not good for the Hossman Self-help! Work the program!

I want porn to actually be tasteful, well directed and with good acting.
I want to write a mystic self help book like the “secret” and get suckers to buy it.
I want my blog to be worshiped like the Ten Commandments.
I want evangelicals to practice what they preach.

Who’s got my underwear! Give it back right the hell now! Get your finger out of there!

I want anything associated with baby’s to stop being such a freaking ripoff.
I want my computer to stop crashing so I don’t have to write this same sentence for the 4th fucking time.
I want my IT guy to be clean and hygienic.
I want buy golf clubs when I screw up with my wife instead of flowers.

Safety word! Safety WORD! I am not liking this! I am a married man!

I want no more family drama, ever.
I want dinner plates that are self cleaning.
I want my fat dog to go on weight watchers.
I want my mamma.

Check or money order accepted.

1 comment:

  1. You are pure genius.
    I worship your blog more than the Ten Commandments. It's much funnier!