Rungs on the Ladder

It is official: Little Hoss is now smarter than the cats and thus has moved up one rung the Hossman Family Hierarchy.

There are a total of 7 members of the Hossman Family and we are each on a different social ladder rung. Your position in the family is based on tenure, the amount that you contribute to the family and intelligence.

When Little Hoss was invited to the Hossman Family training camp she was a rookie. She was on the last rung. She didn’t contribute any money to the family. Currently, she is debt to me, Godfather Hossman. She was not a good earner. She had no tenure and well, all she did was poop all day. That’s not big on the intelligence quotient.

So when she came, she was a little below the cats, but not much because they basically irritate the crap out of me. My fat cat never leaves the closet. Its not some kind of non violent protest because she is very violent. She has on numerous occasions attempted to have my wife bumped off and have her position in the Hossman Family elevated. When she is angry, she lays a turd on the bathroom floor leaving me to wonder what the hell is she mad about. My other cat has actually cost me money. I spent around 1000 bucks last year because of a pulled Achilles tendon. Who ever heard of this in a stinking cat? He is a degenerate gambler and it’s my money. But he does keep the house free of live rodents. Not the dead ones, he likes to leave those as presents or warnings, depending on who finds them.

On the whole, the cats are pretty stupid but they are members of this family and we love them. They don’t contribute but they do have tenure as the first pets we got 7 years ago. So they occupy the second lowest rung, just above my daughter.

That was until yesterday until I noticed some things about my daughter.

She began a temper tantrum which is a more recent development. I didn’t know she had it in her. It’s tough at first to determine what is a tantrum and yelling because she is mad versus the random crying she did when she was a baby. Sometimes I think she would wail just to make me come running.

But yesterday she got upset because I wouldn’t let her go into the living room without me. She is in climbing monkey phase and requires constant supervision before she goes into a triple sow cow off the couch. So I put the gate up and she got pissed. I looked straight at her and in my best Dad voice I said “Little Hoss, that’s enough”. I didn’t yell but my voice changed. I didn’t know I had that voice in me and I actually stopped what I was doing because I thought that my father was behind me telling me to knock it off.

She immediately stopped yelling and looked right at me. Her lips went into an “O” like she thought I did something wrong and couldn’t wait until Hossmom got home so she could tell on me. I then told her to get up and give her father a hug. And she did.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have signs of understanding. This is a clue to intelligence. She got up came over and gave me a hug and a kiss. I was honest to god flabbergasted.

This was the first “Dad” thing that I had ever said to her and she got it. I started going through my head about all the sayings my parents said to me. I got the “Boys! Front and Center” thing all the time. I can’t wait to use this one. It means that you are in massive trouble and they can’t even take the time to recall your names because you are majorly busted.

I started doing a rundown as I watched my daughter, is she ready to move up a notch in the family? She might make a good capo because now she has turned into a pretty decent earner. She was in a TV commercial when she was younger, that brought something in. She found a checkbook under the couch, that’s free money. And then last night she found a nickel and gave it to me. So far, the cats have given me throw up and a dead bird this year so Little Hoss is certainly bringing more into the family.

Let’s look at the intelligence. She can say three words. Mom, Dad and Go. She almost has Hi down. The big problem with this though is that when I ask her to say Dad she says Go instead. I don’t know why except that maybe that is always what I have done when she yells for me. I go. I go get dinner. I go get that blanket she dropped behind the couch. I go get her the Jesus Whackem stick that she loves to pound the floor with. So I am no longer Dad but Go. Ok, we need to work on that. I thought I heard my fat cat say once that she will claw my eyes out while I sleep but when I looked over at her all she was doing was sharpening her shank on the bathroom floor like little inmate 53214.

But there are other things. Like now she knows exactly what book she wants you to read to her and how she wants it done. Yesterday she went and got a pop up book and then came and actually sat in my lap and laid down until I opened the book. Everyone can obviously see the heart strings are pulled here and I read that book with the most enthusiasm ever. Each character had different voice, there were sound effects and a complete ensemble of hand puppets. The cats are illiterate hicks.

But the biggest sign was last night. I told Little Hoss that it was time for bed and she ran for the stairs, starting climbing up them like a Sherpa and went straight into her room. She then went and got a book and went to where we do her PJs at night. She raised up her arms to undress and then tried to put her own pants on. This was huge. She has always gone to bed really well and like clockwork but this was different. She KNEW that what I had said and knew what it meant. She knew that we had to get undressed and that we would read a book. The cats have never done this and make it a point to constantly to ignore anything I have ever said. I could tell them that there was a injured bird on the porch begging to be played with and they will act like I insulted them.

Little Hoss has moved up in the family and the cats have been moved down. She doesn’t have much tenure yet but her other qualities have vaulted her ahead. But after watching all this I have to ask myself, is she above the dogs yet?? The dogs know when it is bedtime, know when it is dinnertime, knock it off when I say to knock it of. They are not good earners though and that counts for something. However, they do know how to use the dog door and this befuddles my daughter. She wants to go through it but can’t seem to figure out how to get that last leg over. And they have more tenure, 5 years.

So this is how the Hossman Family structure is laid out: Cats, Little Hoss, Dogs (barely), Hossmom and finally Hossdad. Yes, I am the lead because I make the rules and I have the will to rule.

But I don’t think my daughter is currently happy with this situation and her ambition is showing. We were in bed playing when like a little freaking ninja she jammed her thumbnail into my nose. She had a long little cocaine thumbnail and it imbedded itself right into the cartilage. My little angel gave me my first bloody nose in 10 years. I bleed like a stuck pig.

This was no accident, this was a botched hit, maybe a warning that she will be moving up the family hierarchy very soon and that it would be best if I just got out of her way. I was shocked but at the same time respected her for her gumption. Who takes on the boss!?

I have never seen her use this move before and I am forced to question who taught her. That’s when I saw my cat staring at me from the closet, gently being petted by my daughter. I think that it may be time to get rid of the cat.