Penis, Penis, Penis

Penis.  Everything at my house right now is penis.  Penis this, penis that.  Look at my penis.  See my penis, here is my penis.  Penis, penis, penis.  My 3-year-old has fully discovered his penis and now wants to share it with the world.  He does not yet understand that sharing your penis with the world is a good way to get 5 to 10 with a guy that really wants share your penis.

Sure, naked time has always been a fixture around here but now we have kicked it up a notch. He came out of the bathroom yesterday singing his penis song.  Penis penis penis!  Penis penis penis!  It's like a chant at the worst protest in history.  I tell him to pull his pants up.  He responds with "Penis!"  Then he points.  I keep telling him not to point because the joy of flashing the penis is the surprise when the intended victim discovers it on their own, that's where the joy is!

I think he took this to heart because the next time he comes out of the bathroom with his pants pulled up and his shirt pee free, always a win when dealing with a toddler.  He walked right up to my daughter, lifted his shirt and yelled "Penis!"  The sneaky little bugger had draped his little coin purse and junk right over the waist band of his pants and flashed his sister.  My daughter was not impressed.  "Dad!!!!  He's doing the penis thing again!  Gross!"

I'll admit, I laughed pretty hard at that.  First off, you got to hand it to the little guy for coming up with that scheme all on his own.  That's pretty advanced pranking right there.  Secondly, I do enjoy seeing my daughter freak out a little bit.  Mainly because I consider it payback for all of my crap she has broken over the last ten years.  She threw my cell phone in the toilet once so she is not going to get much sympathy from me.  Although perhaps she should because as with all pranks, it will always come around to you one day.

We went to the downtown library a little while after.  It's a great space, 5 floors of reading and books.  The kids area is top notch so the kids can be kids there while not bothering anyone.  I really don't like bothering anyone with my devil spawn and I realize that we fall short on this most times.  I do apologize but I'm dealing with penis here and we all know how difficult that can be.   For lunch we headed up to the roof as there is a very nice veranda up there where we can picnic among the tall buildings.  A lot of patrons do this as well so it can get pretty crowded during lunch time.

We went to the bathroom with little bacon hoss because it's either pee in the bathroom or on your potted plants.  One of those two things are going to happen and they tend to ask you to leave if you inappropriately water the fern.  I go to the bathroom, he goes to the bathroom, we sing a song to help with the flow of things.  It works.  Sing your ABC's next time or some good old Clementine and you will find yourself right as rain.

We flush the toilets (his favorite part), we wash our hands, we head out of the bathroom. to the rooftop doors.  All good, no problems.  I'm an amazing father.

He turns around, pulls up his shirt and there it is in all of its glory.  My 3-year-olds penis.  He's already got that asshole smile on his face.

"Dad, Penis!" he yells and that's when people's heads start to turn around.  I try to act fast but he was ready for it.  With his junk still out he turns and runs from me, bopping along yelling his penis song:  Penis, penis, penis!  Penis, penis, penis!

I run after him and as I am getting closer I notice what I'm really saying to him, yelling in fact, and it does not sound good.

"Boy!  You bring that penis back right now!  You put that penis up!  C'mere boy!  Stop running!"

Everyone is looking now and I know what it looks like.  A bearded and tattooed man is chasing a toddler from the bathroom room screaming about penis.  Now, in the at home dad world we get a lot of weird looks.  It happens and some dads have had the police called on them when they are hanging out at the park with their kids.  Some mom may think he looks "sketchy" so there is a whole thing and one of our big at home dad fears.

This is what I'm thinking as I'm chasing the amazing penis boy.

Penis, penis, penis!

I catch him and lift him up so that I can struggle to put his pants on.  However, it may look like I'm trying to take his pants off in front of all these people.  He is kicking me and laughing but that laughing could sound like screaming.  His only volume is "loud as a donkey" so there could be some misinterpretation going on here.

We sit down and I get my kids lunches out.  I lecture my 3 year old about showing the penis in public.  He does not seem impressed.  I also get my wallet and I.D. out.  Why do I need my wallet and driver's license out and ready?

Penis.  That's why.  Penis.


  1. This should be made into a fucking comedy play like The Man Who Came To Supper!

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