It's not every day that you turn around during your shower and see a pile of wet toilet paper sitting over the drain. Unless of course, you live with children so your first thought isn't "How the hell did toilet paper get in my shower" it is "Well, it could be worse." It could be worse of course because I live with three kids and I have seen worse. I have seen remote controls run through the dishwasher so my first response from seeing the white blob in the shower was one of relief. I could deal with toilet paper in a shower.
This still leaves me with the mystery of why the toilet paper is in my shower which after staring at it for a few more seconds I decide that the why of it isn't really important because I already know why. The wet mound of gross is there because I have kids and they hate me. This is just their passive-aggressive way of letting me know. Some kids tell their parents that they hate them to their face. Mine have perfected a system that lets me know that they hate me while they tell me they love me. So the why is settled, the children are trying to drive me insane so that I will give them all the candy back that I took on Halloween. The jokes on them though because I already ate all that candy, that was job #1.
Now that the why is safely settled we must get to the who and the how. These are actually important because as a father I cannot let these slights go unanswered. That's just inviting a direct challenge to my authority and we can not have that. Anarchy will prevail should I just turn my back and my house will basically become a scene from the movie The Purge. Besides, it's times like this that I like to stretch the old brain muscle to stay on the top of my game.
It could be my 10-year-old. She is getting moody and you never know where that is coming from or what is going to set it off. She could have gotten mad that the breakfast I gave her wasn't blue enough or something else along those lines. There's your motive right there. She is certainly bright enough to pull off a guerrilla campaign which I'm pretty sure at this point that is what I am dealing with. However, this type of thing doesn't really fit her M.O. because wet toilet paper is gross and she currently is not dealing with gross.
So let's move on to my 9-year-old boy. Does he have this in him? Maybe. He doesn't like direct confrontation so this would be something he would do. But he also doesn't have the attention span for long ops which I'm thinking probably this was. This took some planning. It is more plausible that he had toilet paper and forgot where it went and just threw it the first place he saw. I can see that. However, he is a people pleaser so I don't see him taking this type of action. It would be more likely that he just secretly resents me and will let me know when he turns 16 and says that he loves Darla, the nice lady from the truck stop parking lot.
So by the process of elimination that leaves me with my 3-year-old boy. Gross is definitely something that he is into. And of all my children, he is the one that I have pegged to going evil. It will be a subtle change over time like Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader. Am I seeing the first steps to the dark side as I look at the giant spit wad from Steven Tyler? I can also see his appeal to wet gross toilet paper. It makes weird sounds when you throw it and it is all squishy. Those are things that I think that he would like.
I have suspect, now to look for witnesses.
I step out of the shower and ask my wife how a whole roll of toilet paper ended up in my shower. She looks at me and says:
"I found your hammer in the dryer last week."
Interesting. I believe that I may have stumbled onto a pattern.