Bacon Hoss I think is under the impression that great things happen during nap time. That can be the only reason that he doesn't want to take a nap. He digs his heels in and fights me like the Roman Legion conquering Gaul. Caesar wasn't out to make a name for himself or to destroy his enemies. His true goal was to avoid naptime. That makes Mr. Caesar a butthole.
I think Bacon assumes that when he is in his crib, I am obviously doing all kinds of fun things. I must be having a huge party. I have called the ladies, got out the good glasses and am riding some sort of bull through the living room. Then after the bull riding and the admiring looks from the ladies, I go have something brown in a small glass while people rub my feet.
I'm sorry. That's obviously not what 2 year old Bacon is thinking. That's what I am thinking. That's what I would do if my imagination could be properly funded by my current position. This of course is impossible though because my current position makes me no money. It is also impossible because the number of ladies that would show up to watch me ride a bull is pretty small. And I probably couldn't get the bull in the house. If I could get the bull in the house the only lady that would show up is my wife and that would be to serve me the divorce papers. But if I was riding a bull in the house, I would take them like a boss.
Bacon's idea of an unlimited good time are unlimited juice boxes, feeding candy to all the pretty animals (probably not a bull though, those things are scary), and a full charge on the Ipad. Then he would throw very hard things at whoever decided to show up through the door. Yeah, he's been doing that lately. I'm working on it.
Sadly though, none of this is what happens. This is what I have been trying to explain to him as he squirms in my arms as I'm trying to put him down. First off little man, stop squirming. You really don't want me to drop you. That would hurt. You really don't want down so knock it off. A nice safe mattress is not always what is underneath you while I wrestle you into the bed. Sometimes there's a stray lego and you want no part of that.
Secondly, what both you and I are imagining that I do while you nap is not even remotely close to reality. There are no unlimited juice boxes, there is never a full charge on the Ipad (thanks kids!) and I doubt I even know where to find a bull although now that I have written this little part, I am putting this on my to do list.
No, what happens during naptime is much more mundane. It is boring and you want no part of it. The very first thing I do when Bacon Hoss goes to bed is to use the bathroom. Whether I have to go or not, it's a matter of having the ability to go without someone either banging on the door for the solid 5 minutes of peace I need. And when I'm in there no one is sitting on my underwear trying to poke me in the junk. Seriously man, cut that out. It's annoying.
After that, wait for it, I sit down.
That's it. I sit. I do this for a good 20 minutes. Sometimes I read the news, happy to know that Paw Patrol will never end up on my news feed. Sometimes I just stare at my phone, reading nothing at all. It's glorious. I look like I'm reading, but I'm not. I'm just glazing over. I do this for a while until I realize I haven't moved and there's chores to do.
The first thing I do when I think of chores is nap myself of course. We've got a rhythm going, you and me boy, don't mess it up. I take a quick 20 minute power nap. As adults, we call them power naps so it makes it sound like we are doing something productive when in truth we are just fucking off. Power naps for everyone!
After my alarm goes off, then I start my chores and there is always something to do. I once heard an at home dad ask what every one does during nap time. He was new. We all collectively laughed. If we screw off it is a conscious decision, not because there is nothing to do. Put my kids in a room for 20 minutes and it will take me a good hour to clean the damage they have done. I get my older ready in the morning for school. It doesn't take to long, everyone eats, everyone is dressed and there is always something to sign because they forgot when I asked them point blank when they got home from school the day before. In that little amount of time, when even then we are going according to schedule and habit, it looks like a bull did indeed ride through the home. It's not pretty.
So I clean the kitchen. I clean the living room. I clean under Bacon's chair where the bagel landed because you didn't want it. Then you get mad when I pick up the bagel to throw it away because now you want it. Then you scream because honestly, that's mostly what you do. It says so right there on your resume: Skills: looking cute when you meet other people and screaming when you are only with dad so no one believes my lies.
After all the cleaning, I hit the laundry because for some reason every single person in this house must wear 5 complete sets of clothes everyday. I never finish laundry mind you, that's a joke. But I maintain it so that my washing machine never actually stops. I could just turn on the tap in the bathroom and let it run for 24 hours, it's basically the same thing.
So now everything is presentable, right? Wrong. Now come the repairs. What's broken today? Don't say nothing because the answer is never nothing. The bottom of the fridge popped off the other day. I have no idea why. I'm assuming that someone spent a good hour in the middle of the night kicking it. Then I'm going to fix my daughter's bike. A pedal broke. So now dad has to fix it and I find it easier to fix things while someone isn't "helping" by trying to poke me in the eye with a screwdriver. But good job picking the flathead screwdriver, get the right tool for the right job my grandfather always told me.
That's what really happens when Bacon takes a nap. That's what I do. There are no girls handing out juiceboxes while we get a bull in the house. It just looks that way before my wife gets home. Because by the time she gets home, the kids have been home for a good hour and Bacon Hoss has woken up from his nap. 1 hour vs. a whole day of cleaning. The assumption is that I haven't done anything. I maintain that I am being framed.
Or I am binge watching Netflix.