Evil Bacon

My 2 year old watches the dvd player in the car.  No matter how long the trip is, he gets to watch a movie.  Trip to the store?  2 minutes of Elmo.  Going to the playground, have some cookie monster.  Across the state, all the movies you could ever want.

Go ahead, judge me.  I welcome it.  Electronics for short trips!!  Ruining his mind with that filth!  Good God Gasp!  Can your child not entertain himself?

Of course not.  He's two.  His idea of a good time is screaming at the top of his lungs while trying to punch me from the backseat.  Look, most people get the glorious quite in a car.  When you are on your commute you can sit in complete silence if you want while you contemplate what kind of hand gesture you are going to give that jackhole in front of you.  Your entire mind can be focused on the subtleties of the finger or should you give him more of the New York salute.  And you can quietly focus on this for 30 minutes if you want to.

That precious quiet time left me 9 years ago and like I'm Captain Ahab, I have been hunting for it ever since.  So go ahead and judge me all you want, quietly from your car.  I'm giving you the finger right now.

Our current choice of movie for my 2 year old is Monsters Vs. Robots.  A delightful flick with plenty of violence and alien blood.  I figure if I'm rotting his brain anyway, might as well go full tilt.  No half ass slackers in this car.  Next he can watch the Terminator movies.  But not number 3.  That one doesn't exist in my world. In all probability my son will see alien invaders come in his lifetime and he better know how to defend his frail old man from them.  He'll get no help from his older two siblings, the sight of blood makes them run.

Halfway through our little car ride though I hear him starting to scream from the backseat.  Then he starts crying.  My initial reaction is dear god what horrible thing has happened to my little boy!!  Ha, honestly no way is that my first thought.  My first thought is god dammit, what's wrong now.  Look, I'm three kids into this stay at home dad thing.  There's got to be some blood and a guy with a hockey mask with a machete to get my blood up.  The boy who cried wold was written by a parent who couldn't understand why putting the wrong sippy cup in front of a toddler was a life and death emergency for his child.  So yeah, I though my son was basically just being my son.  The worlds came out of misalignment or a bug was seen in a field 100 feet from the car 45 minutes ago and he's just now remembering it.  God I hope he's good at sports.

"What's wrong Bacon and why are your ruining my primo quiet time?"

"Dad!  Dad!  Dadadadadadadadadadada!"

"What man?!"

"Dad!  Robot!" my son says.

Robot?  Oh yea, in Monsters Vs. Aliens there is a robot.,  I suppose the robot must have scared him.  There's no way he's making it through Terminator 2.

"It's ok bud, the robot can't hurt you."

"No! Dad!"  Even now his tone implies that I am stupid and he's only 2.  He's been hanging around his older sister to much.


"They kill robot!  Robot dead!"


Oh, the robot attacks the monsters (the good guys) in the movie.  The monsters fight back, they destroy the robot.  World saved, pop in the next movie.  He's upset that the robot got pulled apart.

Wait.  What??

My son is upset because the robot got smashed.  My son, my beautiful son, is cheering for the robot.  For the bad guy robot designed to destroy the world and all of mankind.  My son.  My son may be evil.  I'm not really surprised.  TV has probably rotted his brain.

When the alien invaders come, he's not going to protect me.  He's going to offer me up like a pulled pork sandwhich.    He's not going to be John Conner fighting the evil machines.  He's going to be the guy that flips the switch to activate skynet.

Don't care, still worth it for some quiet time.

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