I've got a plan and it's a good plan. I like plans, they make me feel like a badass. Everyone else spends all day making plans, attending meetings about those plans and then writing those plans down in fancy marker colors. So basically, everyone is like my 9 year old daughter doing craft time with the exception that they get paid a lot more money than she does to make plans. I spend most of my days in jeans and whatever tshirt is deemed "clean enough" knowing full well that by the end of the day I'm getting some child snot on it. So when I make my plans, with the help of my 9 year old, I include a "snot index" to determine the amount of snot that is going to be coming my way. Today is a bit cold and windy so the snot index is pretty high, stay in doors if at all possible.
My plan today is simple. Spend 15 bucks at Costco. Shouldn't be a big deal really, just stay on budget. Sure, it's the week before Thanksgiving and all I have been instructed to get 1 pumpkin pie. I'm not going to make a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. I'll be honest, I don't cook that dinner. It is the one time of the year where I am barred from the kitchen. Does this hurt my feelings, that I'm not being included, that my wife kicks me out so she can do the turkey and all the things that come with it? Fuck no. I have no problem with this. I cook the rest of the year, I have no problem stepping out of the way, turning on some football and checking the days snot index. I'll eat chips while I do it and maybe buy a newspaper just to read it.
So I head off to Costco with my 15 dollar budget.
I almost bust it immediately through the door. But I stay strong and don't buy the ipad mini, or the camera stuff even though I don't own the camera for the stuff, the throw blankets that would make a wonderful Christmas present, or the new Christmas Trees that they have just put out. I'm tempted but I'm on a mission and I have a plan.
We stop so that Bacon Hoss can take a look through the toys. He immediately throws everything into the cart. Elsa dolls, spiderman action figure and he throws a fit when he can't lift up a bike to put into the cart. His budget is 3 million dollars, credit of course, so he just keeps on throwing. I distract him with a new toy and then promptly remove everything he has put in the cart. He has the attention span of a rock so this is easy to do.
Boom, we find the pumpkin pie. We get the pumpkin pie. 7 bucks. I'm under budget, time to go. Although we should probably go the long way around, just to waste some time. It's the smart thing to do. So I make the plan, take the long way around, don't let child sneeze snot on anyone, check out. Good plan.
I pass by the bread and realize that we need rolls for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not cooking those either. 5 bucks. Sweet, I'm in budget. 13 bucks. Still under.
As Hossmom slaves over the Turkey I will be watching football and tending to the kids. And by tending to the kids I mean I will kick them outside as soon as possible. You know what goes well with football and kicking kids outside? Cheese. So I get the cheese platter thing, it's right there and only 10 bucks. No big deal, I'm at 23 bucks, just a bit over budget.
I add a case of apples to though because the kids are going to be wanting a snack after they go out and play. 7 bucks, that puts me at an even 30. I like round numbers. But I got to get milk because it's so freaking cheap here. 2.35 a gallon, that's worth fighting for. I shouldn't get 1 gallon, that's not smart. I need to get 3 gallons because my kids inhale milk. I should open a dairy farm and I would still save money on the amount of milk we use. So let's call that 7 more bucks for milk, I'm at 37.
I don't like the number 37. It's a weird number that doesn't sit right in my head. It's like a creepy old man that just wants to hang out in your garage all day talking about weird stuff and asking you where your wife keeps her panties. So no, we can't stop on 37, he's weird. Eggs finds it's way into my cart. Eggs are getting expensive now, 7 bucks for those to. That sits me at 44. Cool, I have made a new budget in my head of 50 bucks and I'm still under that, 44 so all is good.
But while I'm in the milk area I might as well get some sour cream, the tub version. It's always good to have large amounts of sour cream. We may have guests stopping by and what if they want sour cream? What kind of host will I be if I don't have that! Now I am at 48 dollars, still good.
Shredded cheese is a bit of a sore spot with me. At the grocery store sells a small bag for almost 3 dollars. I can make what, 1/2 a quesidalla with that? No, I need the big bags of cheese. They only come in doubles at Costco. That's 10 bucks. But it's either 10 bucks now or 50 bucks next week. Get the cheese, up to 58.
The kids are going to be home alot over the next week, school's out for most of the week. They could eat hotdogs and apples of course, but I don't have hotdogs. So lets get some hotdogs. And nuggets because hotdogs gets old after a while. My budget is up to...something, can't remember, distracted by the great deal on bananas. Let's get bananas.
And tortillas. We will probably have some sort of taco or breakfast burrito. Gonna need to get tortillas. Tortillas are the most versatile food. You can eat them or throw them at a football game. Really, if you don't have tortillas in your cabinet then you are obviously not ready for the zombie apocalypse. I'm practically a doomsday prepper.
I'm almost to check out now. Yea! Homestretch baby. All we have to do is go through the snack aisle. Oooh, look, christmas present aisle is right there to. Perhaps Hossmom needs something. Afterall, Christmas is only a month away. Let's be responsible.
I finally check out. I intentionally stop listening to the clerk when she tells me the total. I just pay. I call this the Costco Blackout. Happens often.
Hossmom calls and asks if I got the pumpkin pie. Yes! Yes I got the pumpkin pie! Best husband ever!
I make a new plan. I should not go to Costco anymore. Ever.
Crap, I forgot bread. We are going to need some bread. You know who has bread? Costco......
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