They will make it a point to eat anything that you ask them not to. Like dirt and jewelry.
A dog will shit on your floor within 24 hours of you mopping it.
You will find the overdue book the day after you go to the library.
That "weird" smell that you can't find is always a diaper in the most secret hidden place.
A Stay At Home Dad always looks like a pedophile to stay at home moms at the park.
Cereal is always better than the dinner you just spent 2 hours cooking.
The maximum amount of time that a room will remain clean is 10 minutes. It's usually occurs between 4 am and 5 am.
Laundry ninja attacks you just when you think you are finished.
All parents wish for children on their children. It's the only real revenge that a parent can take.
Yes, that's going to leave a stain. It always leaves a stain.
Sex with consequences sucks donkey balls.
That great hiding place for cookies will always be sniffed out by the cookie nifflers that your children have become.
It's always the older one's fault.
Leftover night has nothing to do with saving money, it means I hate cooking.
The box that the $300 toy came in will always be more entertaining that the actually toy that came in the box. Unless the toy can be used as a weapon.
A child assumes that anything that she wants is in her father's pocket and if it's not, he's just being a dick.
If you really wanted to read that newspaper/magazine article--it will have puke on it.
No one poops alone.
Waitress will always put that Caution HOT PLATE! right in front of your one year old.
Food that your child won't eat will end up on the floor. You won't feel bad about your cooking skills until the dog throws it back up on the table.
Your most cherished tool is their most cherished toy.
Everything is a weapon.
There is no such thing as a clean car.
They will always want to get in the car until it actually time to get in the car.
The bigger the crowd the bigger the scene.
Everything will end up on the floor surrounded by slobber.
Please feel free to add you own.
The colicky child you just spent four hours driving around to get him to sleep doesn't have REM functions and will wake up the second you put the car in park.
ReplyDeleteThose five quiet minutes you thought you had in the bathroom with the door locked are the last free minutes you will have when you realize that the house is totally silent. OH, SHIT...what is going on?
Say you can't find the children, but hear giggling behind a closed door. Before you enter, prepare. A face mask is a helpful tool when there is a farting contest going on in a small enclosed room by the heating vent.
The Discovery Channel may be a safer choice from say, MTV, but wow some of those animals are really doing it and do I want my kid watching that???
You can threaten your kids only so long, then they figure out how to call 911. You then have to spend 20 minutes on the phone with an operater explaining how you wouldn't actually duct tape a child to a column to get some damn sleep. Oh, and yes, you know it is against the law to call without an actual emergency.
No matter how angry you are, especially when they (and every fixture in the kitchen) are covered in Gold Bond, all it takes is one small hand on your leg and a giggle to make you forgive.
You can threaten you won't turn into your parents, but the first time they act up at the mall...you are leaning in and using your quiet, mouth barely moving voice to tell them to wait till you get out to the car. Of course, then you have to actually get them to the car.
I completely agree about the waitresses putting hot plates in front of the kids, or things like Ranch dressing and anything else that can and will easily be spilled over EVERYTHING on the table in about 1/2 a second!
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