Snow

Shoveling snow sucks major dick, much to my surprise. It makes no sense to my southern brain where having snow was a joyous occasion and anything that you chose to do in it was naturally much more fun.

Walking in the yard sucks but walking in a yard full of snow is awesome because you can pee in it and see your artistic results. Falling down a hill sucks because it hurts and you get grass in your crack but rocketing down a hill in a sled is awesome. Again, that is what my southern brain thinks. Until this year I have never experienced snow above my shoe line.

The very smallest flurry back in Texas was cause for celebration. All the schools closed down, people didn't go to work and there was a good chance you would see kids using socks as gloves because in Texas we didn't need gloves. You knew that you only had limited time to play in, 24 hours and then it would be gone like a good Tijuana hooker. The crabs last forever and so do the memories. So naturally, when I moved up north, I thought the snow would be fun.

The first snow fall is fun. The second isn't so bad. The third is ok. By the fourth you are tired of it. And when it snows in March, hell almost April, you are like What the Fuck?! It's March man, I should be in shorts.

Honestly, I'm offended. I don't know who I'm offended at but I know that I am offended. Seriously, almost April here man, why the hell am I spending my Sunday morning shoveling snow. This is an affront of some kind.

My new friends up here told me that I needed to shovel and it wasn't just something that I saw in the movies. Ok, no problem, it's snow, how bad can that be. Well guess what, snow can be heavy and it sucks monkey balls.

It may be the choice of my snow shovel though. When I bought it I had no idea what the difference was between all the shovels. I bought a cheap one with a wooden handle and a metal blade. I was thinking less on how it would feel on my back and more of choosing an appropriate weapon for that Christmas eve when the weird smelly guy shows up in the Santa costume with a hatchet and asks where the coeds are staying. I figured that I could get some pretty good swing out of this thing. Knock some skulls together, John Mcclain style. I spend way to much time watching movies.

So far I've used the shovel 7 times to shovel my driveway and deck and zero times for knocking a psychopathic killer in the face while uttering some kickass catch phrase like "You just got plowed." Then I would smirk and get some hot coed loving. Oh Hoss, you are so hossy. Make me a woman. That would be so cool.

My back hurts now and my legs are stiff and I'm wondering why our driveway is so god damn long and why I never noticed, ever, in any house I have ever lived in, how long the driveway is.

I did take the kids out this morning and tried to convince my 3 year old and 18 month old that shoveling was FUN FUN FUN. Look kids, you can make big stacks of snow right here in the drive way. Let's do that!

I'm am very proud to say that my kids are smart. They didn't shovel shit. They ate the snow though, and not even the snow on the driveway where it would have been a little helpful. Someone's not going to prom. I will hold that grudge.

But we did manage to build a snowman though. This one was the first one ever for my kids. After all the snow we have had, and they assure me it's been a mild winter (bullshit), we have never made a snowman. As it turns out, again I'm a southerner here, some snow doesn't pack, who knew? Oh, we tried and managed to just make a pathetic lump of snow that didn't even come as high as my shin. If a snowman took a poop, this is the pile that he would leave.

There is dry snow and wet snow. Wet snow is for snowman making and dry snow is for--well nothing. There is nothing in my mind that dry snow is good for. Go skiing you might say. Yup, that's a good idea. Let's throw a 250 pound behemoth on some sticks and hope that he hasn't lost that coordination and agility he had when he was 18. Money says that I would put my head through your car door. You want to take that bet?

I even worked up a sweat today which pissed me off even more. When there is snow on the ground there is no way you should be wearing just jeans and a short sleeved T-shirt. But that's what I was wearing. Again man, it's almost April, why is there snow?

By 4 pm all the snow had melted. Very funny, very fucking funny.