A Hossman Family Auction

Thank you all for coming to today's auction. I am assuming that everyone has looked at the catalog and we are expecting some exciting bidding. As you can see from today's selections, the items up for bid are only slightly used and are no longer needed by the Hossman Estate. If everyone will just take your seats, we will be starting shortly.

Our first item up for bid is Patience. Everyone could use some more of this so why don't we go ahead and get started? I'm going to open the bidding up at 1----we have one, can we get two, two, two, can we get a two, there we go we have a two, how about a three, three, where is our three at? This is a top of the line Patience, surely we can get a three. And there it is a three to the little lady in the back row. Four, four, four? No four? Going once, going twice, SOLD for three seperate cell phones that have been dumped in the toilet and Hossman has no more patience. Congratulations to the little three year old in the back row.

Next up is Dignity. Who wouldn't like some slightly used Dignity. One of a kind folks, this is some top of the line Dignity. Let's open this one up at 3, three, three, I see a four, now we are at a four, how about a four and a half, four and half, there's a five! We got a five, five, five, can we get a six, six, there's the six back there. Can we go to a seven, seven? Going once for six, going twice for six, SOLD for six seperate occasions that Hossman has walked around somewhere "fancy" with baby vomit on his crotch. Good going to the little guy who called in by phone to place his bid.

Moving on. Our next item up for auction is Intelligence. Hossman has decided that this little gem is no longer needed in his household. It may not be worth as much so let's start it off with a 3. Can I get a three, three, three, can I get a three. No three? Ok, how about a two, two, two, two, there's a two, it's a pity two but we'll take it. Going once, Going twice, SOLD for two separate times that Hossman has actually washed a disposable diaper that got mixed in with the laundry. Good times.

What a lovely crowd we have here tonight. Remember, all the proceeds from tonight's auction do not in no way go to charity so let's keep the bidding going with our next item up for bid. Oh, this is very special. I'm a little choked up here by the Hossman generosity. Ok, here we go. The rest of Hossman's hair. This is top of the line hair that some would say would resemble a young Brad Pitt. Use it where you want it. Put it under your arms, get a little extra pubes, or just keep it in your hope chest. Can I getttttttttttttttttttttt a five, five, five, there's a five! Wow, we got a six then a seven, how about an eight, there's an eight, do I hear a nine? Can I get a nine? Going once, going twice , there's a ten from the internet bidder! Going once, going twice, SOLD for a Ten o'clock bed time for Hossman.

What a great night ladies and gentlemen. You should all feel very proud of yourselves. Our next to the last item up for auction tonight is Privacy, a lovely color of Privacy too. How about we start the bidding at 7. Do I have a seven, seven, seven, we have a seven, how about an eight, there's an eight, eight, can I get a nine? We have nine, nine, nine, there's a ten, ten, ten, can we go higher? There's an 11. Can we get.............there's a big bid by the odd couple by the aisle. We have a bid of Never, ever, ever. Going once, going twice, SOLD to the cute toddler couple for Never, ever, ever allowing Hossman to take a crap with the door shut anymore.

Our final item up for bid is Composure, a beautiful 1974 version of Composure that just might qualify as an antique. Can we get a 2, two, two, there's a two, looking for a three, where's a three, there's a three. Hoping for a four, four, four? No fours? Come on people, surely we can have a four? There's a four right there. Any more bids? There's one more, is that correct sir? Did you bid "lost"? There we go, we have a bid for lost. Going once, going twice, SOLD as Hossman has Lost his Composure completely.


  1. Sadly, it is all true. It's hard to actually have to read it.

  2. OMG I did the diaper thing in the washer and dryer, what the heck do they put in those things. Trying to re-wash barely put a sent in those little blue crystal things! Great for getting rid of lint though. After we got the crystals off there was NO lint on anything!