The Wall

I don't want to do shit today, not a damn thing.

I hit this wall every now and then as a stay at home dad. I wake up and I think, fuck it, I'm not getting up. I'm going to let my kids stumble downstairs by themselves and cook there own breakfast. If it happens to be pudding and candy, fuck it, I don't care.

Then they can watch as much TV as they want. Dora, Backyardigans, Porn, whatever. If they can figure out how to work the remote, then it's all thiers.

I'm going to let them fight and see who gets the conch. I'm tired of breaking up the cage matches. If my son wants to pick up the plastic bat to protect himself, more power to him. Just aim for the knees son, Little Hoss is pretty stout and she goes from the top rope.

I'm going to let them answer every phone call that comes to the house. I don't care who it is. If the prince of Nigeria calls asking for help moving a million bucks to the United States, fantastic. If my brother calls wanting something, he can get it from the two year old. He's been a dick the last week anyway.

I'm not going to argue with anyone today. In fact, I'm totally giving in. I'm going to let Little Hoss tell me "I can't" as much as she wants today. "No Daddy, I can't take a nap." "No Daddy, I can't change a flat tire." Fine, you win today. I have no idea how my life turned into a debate with a child anyway.

I'm going to let my son chunk all his food on the floor, as much as he wants. Screw it, maybe he'll learn the lesson. The lesson that says QUIT THROWING YOUR GOD DAMN FOOD ON THE GOD DAMN FLOOR!

I'm going to let my daughter pick out her own clothes and the clothes for her brother. Currently she is wearing snow pants, her Dora pajamas and two shoes that don't match. It looks like I dressed her.

I'm going to let all the cats and dogs puke all they want, wherever they want. Then I'm going to let them live outside forever and ever and ever. Go ahead, one of you piss on the floor just one more time.

I'm going to let every sales person that comes to my door come in and talk as much as they want. I will be asleep so if you can sell that fantastic dog house siding to a two year old, man you are a hell of a salesman. She's got no money though so you may have to work out a payment plan. I tell you what, you leave the siding and I'm sure my son won't bite you. Maybe. No promises.

No diapers for anyone today, we are all going comando. Clean your own messes.

For dinner, everyone gets whatever my son threw on the floor today. I'm not cooking.

Everyone can scream and whine as much as they want to today. I've got my IPod in and I refuse to acknowledge you.

Here, everyone can play on the computer. In fact, type the blog.

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Look at that, it's a funny joke and you managed to order some medications from Canada, well done kids.

But of course, I can't do this. I can't do any of this. Because what if they actually got along fine and didn't need me. What if I became obsolete? Who would need me? What would be my purpose? What if I'm outsourced to a hot british nanny and I'm not even there to enjoy the hot British Nanny? What good would that be.

Who would "accidentaly" walk in on her in the shower and then slowly and awkwardly turn around ever so slowly while singing "Spoon full of sugar." The opportunity would be totally wasted on my 1 year old son. Ok, so I'm going to get out of bed and I'm going to be father of the year.

For the British Nanny.