I am not fat, I am big boned.
I am not lazy, I am aggressively seeking napping opportunities
I do not procrastinate, I thourghly plan for tomorrow.
I am not bald, I am conserving hair.
My kids do not watch to much t.v., they absorb culture
My house is not dirty, we cultivate fungus.
I do not have fat feet, I have a wide base for support.
I do not have bad fashion sense, I am setting my own trend.
My daughter is not destrcutive, she is constructing new works with the given materials at hand.
I do not neglect my kids, I am teaching them to be self sufficient.
I do not eat to many girl scout cookies, I am conducting quality control tests.
I do not have weak ankles, I have delicate features.
I do not play video games to much, I am acting as a role model to millions of nerds.
I do not cuss to much, I am a straight shooter.
That's not a mole, that's a beauty mark.
Those are not ear hairs, those are little shots of brillance pouring out of my skull.
I do not have body odor, I have a personal manly musk.
My pants do not have holes, they have proper ventalation.
I am not a house mom, I am the XO of a high powered machine.
My son does not throw food on the floor, he is testing the aerodynamics of meat.
I am not a blogger, I am a social scientist commenting on complexities of the American family.