I work out at the gym three days a week, but not for the reason you think. I go because it’s the only place I can take a shower where someone isn’t throwing open the curtain and saying “Look, Daddy’s junk!”
Junk is obviously what my daughter calls a penis. Family members think that I should have not taught her that term and instead just called it a penis. Hey, I’m sorry, I just can’t get past my 2 year old daughter saying “Penis”. It creeps me out. At least this way, she will always stay away from a guys junk because it’s dirty and nasty and holding hands gets you pregnant. I have done my job as a father.
Of course I get the health benefits of working out—better heart, losing weight, and that’s all great. But it doesn’t beat the fact that I get to take a 15 minute solo shower with absolutely no one screaming in the background because Blue’s Clues needs to be restarted. I am starting to hate that fucking dog.
I am under strict orders not to do any power lifting by my doctor. Apparently he thinks that my bulk is just fine and I should probably lose some of said bulk for the health of puny guys everywhere. So I go on the elliptical machine and do the cardio workouts. If you have never seen a 250 pound man working the dire straights of balance and rhythm, it’s the 8th wonder of the world.
I set my machine up right in front of TV number 6 because this is the news channel that I watch while huffing it to the tunes of Metallica, AC/DC and the awesomeness of Faith No More. To my left is TV number 5 which carries SportCenter and to my left is TV number 7 which carries yet another news station. Not on any of the 3000 TV’s in the entire gym is Blues Clues or Backyardigans.
And it was on this machine that I found myself with a lady came right up and started to use the machine to my immediate left. I found this odd because there were plenty of machines and I felt a bit crowded. Isn’t there some sort of gym etiquette that states that you should give me my space because you creep me out? I stink, I’m sweating and I’m sure there are a few grunted cusswords coming from my mouth that you don’t want to hear as my calf tightens up. I am a mullet and a Winger T-Shirt away from being that guy, please stay away.
At about this same time, ESPN started doing their weekend football review which naturally captured my attention. So I turned my head and began to watch. After about a minute, the lady on my left looked over at me. I could see her from the corner of my eye. No big deal, I am eye candy. I continued to watch the football.
Another 30 seconds, she looked over again. After another 20, another look. She did this about 4 times as I continued to workout and watch Sportscenter. It got so I started to wonder if I had boogers snorting out of me.
Then she stopped in the middle of her workout, after only about 5 minutes, almost huffed, and walked away to my right. She went about 6 machines down.
Did she think I was checking her out? Is she under the impression that I was watching her boobs bounce and was contemplating using her in a future fantasy? In short, does she think I am infact the mullet wearing Winger T-shirt guy?
I gotta tell you, I’m a little offended. First off, she wasn’t hot. She was alright but nothing that would make me take up and notice. Second, the strip aerobics class is right across from where I work out and when my eyes do wander, that’s where they usually end up, right at the hip thrust, foot slide portion. It’s nice.
So what I’m saying basically is that yes, I have leered at the gym before. I have leered and leered hard. If she would have caught me actually leering then I suppose I would have been ok. But she didn’t. It’s like I was a criminal that was wrongfully convicted of the wrong crime when I have done plenty of other crimes.
But since I get to offer a defense, this is America, let me give you this to ponder. If you wear a G-String leotard, then you want to be stared at. You don’t wear that for comfort and you don’t wear that because it’s good workout clothes. You wear that because you have a rocking ass.
So I am a little offended to be judged for something that I haven’t done, at least not this time. And let me remind you that you came up to me to workout, not the other way around. I was just watching sportscenter, seriously man, just a little sportscenter.
I finished my workout and in her mind, stalked away like a stalking stalker. I took my awesome shower, shaved and went to get the kids from the gym daycare. Look lady, I have kids, I’m not a bad guy.
But before I go I got to make a pitstop by the strip aerobics class.
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