And God Gave Us the XBOX

We are all lost children, roaming unfettered into this existence. We stumble and fall only to pick ourselves up to fall once more. Almost blind we make mistake after mistake, misstep after misstep, misjudgment after misjudgment. There at times seems like there is no solace, no ending to these series of abyss that we must cross. And it feels like we must cross them alone.

But we are not alone. When there is eternal darkness, there must be hope’s light. When there is never ending misery, there must be glorious salvation. When there is lawlessness and depravity there must be justice and righteousness.

The Xbox brings all.

This most glorious gift was given to us, to men. When the screams of our anguish reached heaven’s ears we were not ignored, we were not told “no socks, no shoes, no service.” No! We were told, Hey, play Xbox naked if you wish for you are good and you are in need. Yes my brothers, we were in need. The need was great and the depth of the need cannot be measured in mere words. But perhaps examples so that you will fully give thanks for the Xbox. We were in need………….

We were in need because man invented the Oxygen network.

We were in need because the movie “Beeches” is due a marathon, for what reason I can’t imagine, but it apparently does.

We were in need because “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” got picked up for a second season.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because sports can only take up so much of our day. And what happens when you are in the Bermuda Triangle of Sports when there are actually no sports on TV.

We were in need because there is only so much golf you can watch in a given day.

We were in need because no one really cares when a soccer team in Brazil plays a soccer team in Argentina.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because the Olympics only come every 2 years.

We were in need because you have to have something to do in between chants of “USA! USA! USA!”

We were in need because sometimes our TIVO’s don’t actually record for 24 hours 3 days straight without burning out.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because the term “juicing” means something totally different now.

We were in need because a person’s head that grows 5 hat sizes after he is an adult will still get into the Hall of Fame.

We were in need because a “Congressional Investigation” didn’t really tell us shit.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need, yes brothers, we were in need because man created Sesame Street and children who want to watch the same episode hour after hour, day after day, month after month.

We were in need because in said episode you become convinced that Elmo is smoking something fierce to get his voice like that and you wonder how much you have been watching to actually cause this internal debate.

We were in need because this day was brought to you by the letter P.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because “Leak Proof Diapers” are not leak proof.

We were in need because “Quit jumping on my junk!” in toddler speak means “Please, crush my balls some more.”

We were in need because of the never ending “No, you can’t have any more cookies!” battle continues to be waged.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because movies with a lot of special effects suck ass and we know it but we can’t help but going to see the 35 ton Woolly mammoth recreated.

We were in need because there is a 24 hour baby watch for Angelina and Brad and we are not allowed to change the channel.

We were in need because Madonna may be divorcing some dude and sleeping with another dude that is not us.

And God gave us the Xbox.

We were in need because the phrase “Let’s Talk” has been uttered and it never means an actual conversation.

We were in need because cuddling does not always lead to what you think it might lead to.

We were in need because when anyone has to stand in line holding the family’s spot, that guy is always dad while everyone else gets to go to the bounce house. And beer is not allowed in the face painting line.

And God gave us the Xbox. Sweet, sweet Xbox. That no one else really enjoys but Dad, who was in need. Who prayed for something to do besides watching America’s Next Top Model or giving a fuck about who the guy with the Flock of Seagulls haircut is on Project Runway.

My liege. My Lord. My Xbox.