I am a strict father that lays down rules. My sight reaches out to all of my kingdom as I survey those subjects that are my responsibility. I will have order in my kingdom, order and obedience!
(Of course Little Hoss, you can keep petting the cat and then I will punish the cat for scratching you like she does every damn time but every time I keep letting you try instead of stopping you)
And there will be no over indulgence of the peoples that are under me. We will all do with what I decide we need and no more! No more I say! Do not question the great and powerful OZ!
(Sure Little Hoss, I will buy you that bubble bath in the shape of a princess because you won’t let go of it and I don’t want to cause a scene in the shampoo aisle because it’s a little to close to the condom racks and some reason people will think I’m looking at those instead of shampoo.)
We will live by the golden rule in my household kingdom and all will be grateful for my leadership. It’s about discipline and a strict understanding of my will!
(For the love of God will you stop running around and just put on your diaper! Daddy really doesn’t want to do this every time we have to change your diaper!)
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Turn the other cheek and you shall be rewarded by my greatness.
(Stop hitting your brother. Stop hitting your brother. Stop hitting your brother)
Violence will never exist in my kingdom.
(Stop putting your brother in a choke hold. Stop putting your brother in a choke hold.)
A weak mind will never prosper. A weak mind will wither away like the dreams of yesteryear. No, we shall not have weak minds in the Hossman household. We shall be brilliant, illuminating the darkness of ignorance with our insight and wisdom.
(Um, sweetheart, that diaper doesn’t go on your head.)
I shall educate you. You shall study the great philosophers, strive to understand the mysteries of the universe. You will question the accepted and revolutionize the status quo.
(Ok honey, this is called “From the Top Rope” and it’s way cool. Try not to hurt yourself and don’t tell Mommy).
My rule shall be defined by my charity. It shall be governed by my goodwill. My subjects will come to me for mercy and find solace in my words.
(You don’t need that toy, let’s put it back in the Goodwill box. Come on man, you have 3 more boxes on unopened toys, you don’t need that one. Fine, forget it then. Keep your stupid puzzle piece that doesn’t go to anything.)
And we shall worship the clean and the tidy for that brings us closer to greatness.
(For the love of Pete, get your hand out of your ass! We are at the library and people are starting to stare at you like you are some monkey child about to throw poop.)
We will honor those that have come before us as those that come after us will honor us. We shall honor thy mother and thy father, especially that last part for he is greatness and is a gift to all children.
(No Little Hoss, you can not jump on Dad’s lap again from the Top Rope, you are busting my crotch and I can’t take it anymore. Please don’t cry, c’mon now! Ok, one more time but then that’s it. UGHHH!)
Listen to me my little ones and your path shall be easy and fruitful.
(Don’t eat that! Don’t eat that! Don’t eat that! Crap! Ok, don’t tell your mom.)
And we will be healthy in my kingdom, healthy in body as we are in spirit for those that live under my rule must honor themselves as they honor me.
(I’ll give you more candy if you will just quit saying the word shit. I’m going to get into a lot of trouble for that so it would be best, really, if you just quit saying that. Here, have a snickers.)
Follow me my children and let us embark into the future that is ours.
(I will let you eat ice cream in your bed if you just take a nap. Hand on heart, I will let you eat ice cream in your bed.)