I hate everything. Today, I have decided that the world is a shithole of a place and it’s sole design is to screw me over. Fuck em.
I hate that this week I have left from my house at 4 different times in order to miss traffic. I have done this for the one and only hope of avoiding the douchebag that I know is going to have a wreck because they cut some other douchebag off. Then douchebag #1 is going to get mad at douchebag #2 and not pay attention and rear end then sorry sack in front of him. You would think that I would have some empathy for at least the guy that got rear ended by accident. I don’t. I hate them all and truly wish that they cannot afford to fix their cars because after 4 days of being stuck behind these people has completely erased any feelings of mercy that I have left in me at all.
I hate the semi truck that must and always must ride in the left lane at 7:54am every god damn morning. There is not a single car ahead of him but there are 3000 of use behind him. We are all going 40 mph and silently cursing him because none of us have any real balls and won’t honk at a huge truck. But we all fucking hate him. We hate him even more as he appears to have teamed up with the twatwaffle on her cell phone in the right lane and now we have a Mexican roadblock going on at 40 mph. Wait, someone just sneezed, we are now down to 35mph on the ever loving freeway. In a perfect world instead of following behind these two rejects you would be following behind the bus in Speed. At least then you got somewhere and I could care less about the people that remained stuck on that bus. Best of luck to you chumps. I bet if I was the Bandit none of the semi’s would be treating me like this. It would be all “Ten-4 good buddy, watch out for the Smokey.”
I hate the weird people in the bottom of my office building who show up three days a week and turn our hallways into some bazaar like you would see in some remote part of India. I have no doubt that in one of the third world crap baskets the lady from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is hiding while some bearded guy looks for her with a sword. And I know that today , if I saw which basket she was hiding in, I would so kick it over and scream so the guy with the sword could find her. Seriously man, I just want to go up to my office and put in a good days work. I do not want to buy a fake jade necklace that looks about as fancy as what my cat threw up this morning.
I hate the two birds outside of my office window. There is no real reason to hate them other than they get to be outside while I get to be stuck in an icebox reading pointless shit on the computer screen. And once I’ve read that pointless shit I will have nothing else to read because I’ve already read everything on the internet. That’s right. I’ve read the entire internet as envisioned by Al Gore. Please don’t take that to mean that I’m an Al Gore supporter, I hate him to. Seriously, what does it say about you that you were once less popular than George W. Bush? How do you go on living with yourself knowing that a goofball whipped you like a rented mule? I’ll tell you how, you make a pseudo movie about something that no one can really define or understand and then stand on your high horse while you continue to pay a $3000 a month for your “green footprint.” Let me tell you something jackass, there is no way I’m using cloth diapers so I can save a rainforest and recycle. Come a little closer, let me show you my footprint. It’s covered in poop.
And while we are on the subject and I’m being hateful today: I hate all politicians. I yearn for the days when I could have just one, just one person who actually gave a shit about changing things for the better and not about how they can fuck over someone they have never met. I yearn for the politician that says “Hey, I’m gay and I love being gay. But even though I’m gay, I’m going to gay bash.” At least then you could appreciate that they were an honest hypocrite. But we can’t even get that, no way. Instead we get politicians that insist on having an amendment on flag burning and banning gay marriage. News flash buttholes—neither one of those things actually matter. You are just pushing some trumped up emotional issue out there that actually doesn’t effect the real world at all while at the same time passing a law for a 3 billion dollar bridge that ACTUALLY GOES NO WHERE. Who gives a shit about who marries who, honestly? You think I walk around all day thinking, Man, this is a good country except for all that gay marriage ceremonies where they burn the flag. No, I walk around thinking how the shit am I going to put 2 kids through college while at the same time trying not to rob anyone to do it.
I hate Emo-rock above all other forms of music. I have no idea why this has been decided to be the pop music at this time. Grunge is dead, I know this. But believe me, Grunge is currently rolling over in it’s flannel covered grave every time John Mayer tells me how beautiful this chick is. I try to be open minded until I watch VH1’s top 20 countdown every Sunday and then I say fuck it, it’s not me that is out of touch it’s the world that is out of touch with me. Fucking Dautry. Seriously, fucking Dautry has had 3 top songs. But do me a favor when you listen to them next time: they are really just remakes of old Montley Crue songs. That’s right, it’s a fucking rip off but at least the crew didn’t take themselves so seriously and I dig the crue’s song Coming Home a hell of a lot better. They basically came out and said we are making music to get some ass. It was honest and straight to the point. They never held themselves to be out more than they were. And if they changed your life, then great. Otherwise they were busy showing their corks while dinging Pam.
I hate the church teams that we play softball against. They field about 8 teams in our league and what they really do is just have players switch from one roster to the next instead of having a solid team. So when they are short the just go to there gray team and recruit the best players after their game. Grow some balls man and just field one fucking team. Look, every time I play you assholes it gets me farther away from God. Are you happy, you are killing God. Maybe if you weren’t such whiney pussies half the time I could manage a small amount of respect for you. But since you have to fucking argue every close call or whine every time things don’t go your way, I have nothing but contempt for you. So go take your Jesus stick to some other park and let’s just not be friends. I swear to all that is holy, you are the reason I don’t go to church at all.
I hate that Barry Bonds is an asshole but I hate it for completely personal reasons. I have never met the man and I have no idea what is going on in that huge head of his. What I do know is that as a kid I bought his rookie baseball card. And as time went on, I noticed that this mint condition card was going up in value. I kept it in a very safe place and it is practically new and has never, ever been handled by human hands other than the dude who originally put it in the Tops baseball package. Once he broke the homerun record, a card like this should only increase in value like Hank Aaron’s or Mr. Wagner. But because he is such an asshole that popped the “cream” or the “clear” like it was a Rogan hair pill, we all know his record is tainted. As such, this mint condition baseball card that I have had since I was 10 will be worth exactly shit by the time my son goes to college. In 18 years I will try to sell the card to put my son through college and will only get 25 cents and a slap when I try to sell it. I would only sell it because I can’t bear to give it to my son. Fathers are supposed to pass down these things with words of wisdom. They say, son, this is the rookie card for Mickey Mantle. He was many things, some good, some bad, but he was my hero. What am I supposed to say? Son, this guy cheated and got all the accolades, lied about it all and then got elected to the Hall of Fame, because we all know he will. It’s better if I just picked up a rock and said son, you might as look up to this more than any baseball player.
I hate all insurance companies. Why? Because it’s the biggest fucking racket ever. They make the Mafia look like a god damn boy scout troop. My wife is on my insurance but she also has insurance through her work, which is her secondary insurance. But right now neither insurance company wants to pay for the delivery of my son saying that it is the responsibility of the other insurance company to pay for it. Then they say that my son can only be on my wife’s insurance and not mine because my wife was born earlier in the year than I was. Does that make sense to anyone, at all? So now the hospital is calling me wanting their 40,000 bucks. How is it possible at all to have 2 separate insurances and yet have no fucking coverage. Can someone please explain that to me??? And the catch is that I have been paying for both of these fucking things for over a year! Don’t give me that shit about fiscal responsibility or the cost of healthcare, I don’t fucking care. What I care about is that you rip people off and find that ok and you damn well know that the only way I’m going to get any resolution to this is to take a day off of work and spend 12 hours on the phone with some flunkie that can’t even hold my jock. Look, you made a deal and you took my money, now nut up and pay the hospital before I TP your house.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, now I feel so much better. Blog therapy, it’s the best.
I love everyone again, life is good.