Escape Plans

All Dads have to do chores. All Dads have to clean up poop. All Dads have to deal with mother in laws and the occasional lynch mob. It’s part of the job description, it’s just what we do.

We all know that mowing the yard or cleaning the garage is a massive pain in the ass. It is not golf and it’s not quality time with your kiddo. It’s grunt work and frankly, a little below us Dads. We have major responsibilities, we are the protectors of our family. By default only are we the cat box cleaners.

At times, this does not seem fair to me. It offends my sensibilities. We do the things that we have to do because there is no one else to do them. This is not the American Dream. This is not Communist Russia. I am not a pack mule. I am not the designated bathtub poop expert and I am not Mr. Gee I sure do wish someone would weed the backyard because it’s looking horrible. Ok, got it, I get your hint, the back yard flower garden needs to be weeded. Fine, I’ll get right on that.

Yet, we are all those things. We are all those things because we love our families and we love our children. Our main goal is to give our families a life that is enjoyable and safe. Which means at times we have to weed the backyard because the wife is 6 months pregnant and can’t bend over anymore. We usually do it with a little grumbling and mumbling, but we eventually do it.

But sometimes, dear lord, just sometimes we need to escape. We need to find a way out of doing these things. We need to find a way to cut and run, yet in a very manly way. We could always trying to cry our way out of it, but we just can’t do it. That’s a tad bit on the sissy side and I would expect my father to show up and whack me on the side of the head the first time I tried it. And let’s be honest here wives: You do not want a man like that. Oh, you may say you want a sensitive man but you are only saying that because it is the fashionable thing to say. You really don’t want a man that shares feelings and cries at a sunset. Come on, how is that guy going to protect you?

Say you are in the woods hiking, as families do, and a bear attacks. Do you want the guy that is tough and can make a spear out of a branch or do you want the guy who is going to throw some dolphin safe tuna at it? I rest my case.

But back to the story, how to escape the unpleasantly of chores, mother in laws and a lynch mob and other assorted dangers that are faced in daily life. I have researched thousands of movies, books and my own imagination to bring you the best and sure fire escape plans. I am an expert on the subject, the Dr. Phil of escape plans.

Escape Plan #1—The river, a waterfall and some mud.
You may find yourself running from different threats, like an alien hunting your skull or the media. You may find yourself making a difficult choice, like to answer the reporter’s questions or do you get into the elevator with a pedophile. But wait, there is a third option. That’s what you always have to realize when trying to escape. Jump out the nearest window and begin to run. Don’t worry about initial speed, you are looking for distance so pace yourself. Find the nearest river and jump in. It’s current will do all the work now. Eventually you will come to a waterfall, as all rivers do. Gleefully go over. Don’t worry, you won’t get hurt. Your pursuers may decide to go over as well, this works to your advantage. Because in every movie where this happens, the hero comes away clean while at least 1 or 2 bad guys crash on the rocks. So if they follow, you are already up a stroke.

After you go into the waterfall you will be tempted to swim toward a beach. This is the worst thing you can do. What you must do is instead is swim toward the muddy bank and then collapse, face first, into the mud. You will exhale and feel almost like going asleep. You will then hear someone swimming behind you. You may not see them but don’t worry, they have invisibility technology. Quickly turn on your back in the mud, making sure to fling some bugs around as you do it. Then crab crawl backwards to the nearest tree roots and grab the sides of them. By this time your shirt is ripped off from your ordeal and you are covered in mud. Remain motionless until your purseror walks right past you, you have now blended in. Wait 30 minutes, then go home and cook dinner. Crisis averted, escape successful.

Escape Plan #2: The burning house and bad guys out front.
A house on fire is a very bad situation. A town full of bounty hunters and an evil railroad boss out front is even worse. But there is a way out of this if you will just take a moment to listen. When the house begins to burn, get everyone into the attic. You will need to invite some buddies over before this because you will need the extra hands. Wait for a moment until smoke can be seen from the street and the bounty hunters are well dug in behind the curb. Then start throwing assorted junk outside through the attic window. Don’t worry if you don’t have a window in the attic, there will be one there when you arrive as I have never seen an attic in a movie that didn’t have one for escapes.

Throw out this window whatever you happen to have. Books, clothes and those board games you haven’t played in 10 years. Think of this as spring cleaning. You are setting the mood and getting the bounty hunters outside used to seeing stuff being thrown out. Then cram yourself into your clothes trunk because every attic also has one of these. It might be a tight fit, but trust me you’ll make it in there.

Then have your buddies throw this trunk out the window. The bounty hunters will assume that it is more assorted junk and will have no idea that you are in their with your peace makers. When you hear “the word” jump out of the trunk, which has not splintered from your fall, and start shooting. Every bullet you shoot will hit someone bad so no need to aim. Your buddies will come out the door blazing and Chavez will ride up with horses. Mount your horse, turn around in the street and say “Reap the whirlwind Murphy, reap it!” and fire one shot at the evil Railroad boss. It will hit, now go to your daycare and pick up your daughter.

Escape Plan #3—The Pit and Stab
There are various interpretations of this escape plan floating out there. So be creative with this one, have a little fun. I’ll put my own spin on it and give you several options. Option one: Let’s say you haven’t mowed the yard at all this summer and your wife is getting a tad bit upset. What you need is to become incapacitated for a short period of time. Not enough that you can’t play video games, but enough so that you can’t walk. Use this old Platoon trick. Take your K-bar knife and quickly jamb it into your thigh. You should aim for the middle of your thigh and not accidentally the inside of your thigh where your femoral artery runs. That’s a rookie mistake and we lose a lot of rookie Dads that way. Also, make sure you jamb it in with a downward angle, like someone is attacking YOU. Trust me, wives can be very forensic. Finally claim that Charlie attacked you and you need to be discharged from you duties.

If this doesn’t work, you may need to hide out for awhile. If so, jump out to your backyard and find your nearest uncovered mass grave. Don’t be squeamish, just jump right in. Pull a body or two on top of you and then hide. It sounds simple enough, but DON’T MOVE! This is the number one give away from a live body and a dead body. When your mother in law comes over to look for you, she will mistake you for a dead body and you won’t have to do any chores. When asked later you can just say you were outside in the backyard, I can’t believe you didn’t see me, didn’t you look very hard? Then get disgusted and walk away.

I hope this helps everyone out there. I know that this is a lot of common sense stuff but it may help when you get your words down on paper. Just remember in these situations, stay calm, stay focused, and always blame the dog.