Team Beer, The Crusades

The Church Team stares at Team Beer, those that are not blinded by our idol worship continue to question just what the hell Team Beer is. We have no shame in flounting our sinful, disgraceful ways.

Smoking in the dugout. Yup, that's allowed and almost mandatory. Let's just say there is peer pressure to conform. Cussing, I'm proud to say, is rampant within all areas of Team Beer. My mother in law has noticed that and has asked that I not cuss as much on this blog. In tribute to her, ahem ahem----Fuckity fuck, fuck fuck Fuckity. I expect a call from Babs at 8am on a Sat for that shot, but it's worth it.


Most of our time on Team Beer is obsessed with beating those that are much younger than us. I don't know exactly why, but we take this as a supreme pleasure. Maybe it's because we all know what idiots we were in our early 20's. Maybe it's because we see thier youth and are sure that it is wasted on them. Maybe it's because that most probably have thier parents pay there taxes while we slave away before April 15th. The bottom line, it's fun to beat young'uns. Thier defeat is the garnish to our wisdom.

In fact, after reading some of my xbox blogs I realize that I have taken that attitude completely out of Softball and have begun to apply it to other areas of my life. I think I realize that I only like whipping up on young guys, for those are the same guys that will one day be hitting on my daughter. This is always just cause and I love causes.

However, in the walking leg brace that is Team Beer Sunday night Softball, there is the Church Team.

I honestly don't know why, but we love whipping a church team more than anything else in the world. I've seen guys show up straight from thier prostate exam in order to play the Church Teams. Noticed that I said "Teams" there, plural.

I think that this is some of what gets our goat so good. First, one church fields half the teams in the league. They don't even bother coming up orignal names. They are just team black, white, red and I think there is a blue co-ed one out there. Come on man, if you have that many teams, start you're own league.

Second, the total lack of origaniality kills us. Be funny, have a sense of humor. Here, Team Beer will name your teams. You will henceforth be known as Jesus's Crosses, Moses River Crossers, The Baptisers, and finally Soddom's Gomorrah for the Co-ed team. Team Beer hates those that can't make fun of themselves.

Third, and I don't know exactly why, we hate the before and after game prayer. We hate that we have been invited to pray. We hate that you pray for good things such as no injuries, not victories. We hate that we look at ourselves and know that deep down we would pray that your starting shortstop knock up his 17 year old girlfriend while admitting that he was gay. We are a hateful, hateful bunch and we hate that you don't recognize it.

Fourth and Finally, it's the fact that the church teams come from the Mega Church. You know the type. It's the 1 billion dollar building that has the word "stadium" attached to its services. You can't just pop on over for some Jesus healing, you have to plan an excursion. And yes, we are those jackasses that are pissed that we get stuck in your traffic jams at 11:00 am and then have to actually wait in line for our IHOP.

So that's our beef and we know that it is irrational.

We actually have several team members that are church goers. They go every Sunday, right as rain. We all lead good lives, are honorable, give to charity and help our fellow man. We are joval, loving family men for the most part. We worship our wives, no convicts that I am aware of, and take care of children. But god help us, we love beating the church teams. Especially when the majority of thier players are younger than us. That's like putting the meat infront of the bear and telling him to stay. Come on man, what are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to act?

The answer of course, in complete Beer form, is to act poorly. God help us, I'm almost ashamed to right the rest of this, but confession is good for the soul.

We drew a pentagram in the on deck circles. Yup, we did it. And we did it more than once. I wish I felt bad laughing about it now after remembering it, but I don't.

We cat call during team prayer. I don't know why and I don't know exactly what we have said, but I also know that we have some instigators on our team.

We considered adjusting our lineup names to include Lucifer, Able-(or whichever one killed his brother, none of us could remember), Porn, and Big Gay Al.

We once thought of making new shirts that read "What happens in Soddem stays in Soddem."

We asked if we could use holy water in our sports bottles.

We constantly remind them that God loves Team Beer.

I don't know why we have done all this and I realize that the picture that it paints of us is less than steller. Who would want to play Team Beer? Who would want to play a bunch of over the hill fat bastards that get their kicks by whipping up on defenseless churches and kids? Hell, we might go kick some puppies for our post game. We are disgusting and shameful, even though we feel none.

But everyone wants to play Team Beer. We have won this league more times than Wilt has scored with chicks. Yes, we are the older guys that can actually play. We put teams down like they are horses with broken legs. But we always play fair. Sure, we argue some rules, but we try nothing shady. If it's less than a minute to go and we are up by 1, you can bet that we will all swing at the first pitch and not run the clock out without giving you a chance. We won't run our spikes up on a slide but might give you a shoulder if you are blocking the plate. We treat everyone the same, with disdain and dare you to whip us. And when you do, we shake your hand, realize that you got the better end of the deal and then hold that grudge for the next game.

When it comes down to it, I think that it is what we think they see when they look at us. A bunch of Godless hethens that once was actually sponsored by a bar. We smoke, gamble in any sport, drink as a general rule and are the example to your kids that have come watch you play. Yes, maybe we do feel shame and that is why we love winning against them so much, all four teams or however many they have. We enjoy our role as the antagonist, as the spark setter.

Here we are, SIN, come smite us. We are up for the challenge. Make us better people, convert us to softball goodness. We are the Al Pacino to your Keanu Reeves, free will baby. We know that this is the most holy of days and yet we sin.

There is one final belief within Team Beer. We are sure that our actions are in direct correlation with the amount of injuries we usually incure. Call it a price of doing business.

And yes, in our last game, when we were up by 3 runs and the lights shut off. We were a little freaked out. Maybe we should get rid of that Golden Calf that we had made up and just call it even?