Me take Smartt Test

I took an IQ test today.

Why is a story that is a train ride through “no sense” land. Come on, hope in, and join me.

I recently read a book entitled “Zodiac” about the famous serial killer that worked in the San Francisco area in the late 60’s and early 70’s. He liked to send creepy notes and letters to the cops and the newspapers. He has never been caught and stopped killing, atleast that we know of, in the early 70’s although he has sent several letters.

This book attempts to pinpoint who the real killer was using a series of circumstantial evidence and coincidence. It makes a decent case but nothing that I would convict on. Lack of answers do not equal proof that this person did it however he is a majorly creepy child molester and deserves our scorn. I will not run the book for you here.

Also in this book it gives an FBI profile of the suspect. Namely, that his is very intelligent with a high IQ.

As is my nature, when I get into a subject I decide to do more research. Welcome to Wikipedia, the world’s instant access to complete human knowledge. Written by you, for you. I love Wikipedia just because it is a colossal time waste.

Want to know what is up with Iran and it’s history. Bam, there you go. Got some pop culture reference you want to check out, do a search. Having trouble deciding if you should marry the hot blond or the homely brunette that may grow to be hot and will be faithful. Your answers are all right here my friend, enjoy.

I do a search for “serial killers” and come across roughly a million. This scares the crap out of me that I actually have to refine my search on this subject. So I stumble around like a chicken playing Tic Tac Toe at the fair and get down to US serial killers. This is a much more manageable list, roughly around 75 or so.

Then I start reading. I start comparing, who did what, what makes them famous, what was the MO, how they got caught and their profiles. It is the psychology behind this that is of interest to me.

A recurring theme was that most were considered intelligent with an IQ around 110 to 120. There are different reasons why each of them did what they did. It was all very creepy. I tend to get in moods based on which book I am reading at the moment.

If I read Harry Potter, I come away hating fat obnoxious British people. If I read Tom Clancy, I hate the Russians. When reading porn, I hate bad camera angles.

Reading this put me in a bad place. I felt dirty. I was paranoid. I needed a shower and I needed to lock me and my family in my home and have no contact with anyone, ever. In fact, I am somewhat hesitant to write this post as it may attract attention to me that I do not want. Seriously, it’s like talking about Ghosts. I refuse to take a stance on whether they exist or not solely for the fear that if I give a wrong answer I will be haunted.

But something occurred to me. Do we think these people are smart just because they whacked people? Reading about how they did it and how they got caught, I would tend to disagree. The Son of Sam was caught by a parking ticket? Genius? I don’t think so. Ted Bundy just plunked people with a tire iron. That’s not smart, that’s caveman behavior.

Is it our own bias and fear that causes us to judge this way? You may not be surprised to learn that Hannibal Lector, Norman Bates and Leatherface were all based roughly on the same serial killer. Yes, that is extremely creepy. But it is who you would expect it to be—weird guy living isolated. Of course, he made lamp shades out of his victims as he dressed up as his mother. That’s not smart, that’s just crafty.

So here is my question: Am I smarter than a serial killer.

Sometimes I believe that I should just leave well enough alone. Go to work, come home, eat a can of soup, pet the dog and go to bed. I am actually terrified that some law enforcement agency out there is using the Patriot Act right now to see what I have searched on Wik. I expect a phone call very shortly where I will explain my blog and then go to jail. Did I mention that I also once looked up Iran to get a clearer idea of what was happening. You tell me how that looks: Searches of “Killers” + “Iran”. I should be on my way to Gitmo by tomorrow.

I found an IQ test. It looked very official. I wanted just to test the waters of my mind. In college, I thought I was a pretty smart guy. I was a “common sense” kind of man, even though my grades do not show an abundance of genius. But once I got into the working world I decided that yes, I am smarter than you. The idiotic things that I have seen out here never fail to amaze me. I have a friend who’s job is web based but she is not allowed to use the web. Seriously, that kind of stuff.

It was a timed test and I was only a little nervous. If I score in the low 70’s, then how will I react. I have a very fragile ego that needs constant reassurance. You may have noticed a counter on this blog, why do you think that is? So I can reassure myself that yes, Hossman, you are funny. I check every day to see how many hits. Incidentally—a big shout out to Wylie and “Unknown Country”. You two are making my month! Please, someone comment on this thing and let me know that I am funny and that your day is better because you have discovered me and that if you only knew who I was, you would throw your panties at me. No guy responses, please.

Normally, I am a very good test taker, always have been. I never fretted around before a test, I read the newspaper. My philosophy was that if I don’t know it by now, there is not much to be done. And I am a fast test taker. I once completed a Calculus exam in college first after being late 20 minutes. That is a very funny story that involves me running naked, so we will get to that later.

Ok, the test, here we go. First question isn’t so bad. It was an anagram question where it spelled out England if rearranged. Ok, feeling good.

Question two: How many vowels are in this sentence. Ok, I can count, good to go.

Question three: If two people leave in opposite directions and travel 6 miles, then both turn left and travel 8 miles, how far will they be apart.

Houston, we have a problem.

Let’s use some reason and some diagrams. Somehow I am convinced that it is an A2 + B2 = C2 thing. My drawing is quite magnificent, complete with a triangle shaped courtyard, a tree and a kid on a skate board going 8 miles. I come up with my answer. Hmmm, not one of the choices I see. So I do what I always do in this situation. I assume that there is a printing error and go with the one that is “Close” to the right answer. In this case, 11.

This goes on with different types of questions. Most are logic type questions and visual spacing type questions. There are some like and not like things with pictures. Oddly, there wasn’t much real math. There were number questions, but I expected some fraction dividing or a Function of x kind of thing. I am quite proud of one question though: It was those questions that start with a high number that continuously gets smaller and it asks you to fill in the series. For example: 144, 121, 100, 81, 64…… What is the next number in the series.

I figured this one out. I don’t know exactly how, but I did. I tell you what, the first person that comments on how funny I am will get the correct answer.

There were no spelling questions on this test, thank God, as you can tell from this blog.

I finish the test and feel pretty good about myself. I always do when I finish a test though. I will forever be shocked when I get a bad score on a test. In 2nd grade I once scored a 5 on a division test. I thought it was bullshit and decided that the teacher hated me. My mom kept that test for some reason and I checked it when I was much older. Nope, I was just dumb.

I click “calculate” to get my score. I am a bit nervous. Am I dumb? Am I smarter than a serial killer. If their average is between 110 and 120, am I an idiot.

Here’s a breakdown of general score boarding: 90-109= Average intelligence. 110-119=Superior, 120-140=Very Superior, 140+=Genius.

My score was 129.

Yes, Margaret, I am smarter than you.

The test classifies me as a Visionary Philosopher. It states that I am a good teacher and have skills in verbal communication. I agree 100%. I realize that this is like those horoscope things. You will believe anything good someone says about you. “You are a assertive person that enjoys helping others while expecting nothing in return”. Yup, that’s me completely. “You need constant reassurance to validate your existence”. No, that’s not me at all.

If I got a fortune cookie that read “Chicks constantly dig you” I would swear that fortune cookies do in fact work and that we should set Foreign policy based on their advice.

So I have answered my question and feel validated in my existence. I am smarter than a serial killer.

That’s when I read the fine print of the test: “2% of American people have a greater intelligence than you which is roughly 120 million.” But how many are serial killers?

Editors Note: To serial killers—this is just a joke and please do not seek me out. I am a terrified little boy that has no friends. I am sure you are much smarter than me