You don't have to pull your pants all the way down to your ankles in order to take a leak. Well, if you're a female you probably do. But men don't unless we have a peeing distance contest going on and in that case, you do whatever you need to do God Damnit.
I was trying to explain this to my youngest, Bacon, while in the bathroom of Culver's. Culver's is an ice cream and burger joint. Tonight we were there because of a school function. Something about raising money for the school or to show community spirit. I don't know, it starts to get all wrapped together like a burrito towards the end of the school year. I spend 50% of my day running around in my van going to one kid thing or another. It's to the point where I'm happy if I just show up with the right kid.
Bacon had to pee so into the bathroom we went. Pretty normal but he is 4 now and it's time that we got some man lessons in him. "Son," I said. "This is the urinal. You are going to use this now." Later I will show him how to shoot guns at stuff. That's going to be tough as I don't know really how to shoot guns at stuff. But I do know how to pee at urinals. One small baby pee step at a time, we can get to the guns later.
He starts to drop the pants when I stop him. "No, son. Do it like Daddy." I unbutton my pants and step up the urinal. "See, we don't pull our pants all the way down. That keeps our butt warm. Pretty cool right?" I start to pee hoping to show him how this is supposed to work.
Bacon screams "You have a big penis!" Then he starts laughing and pointing.
Kids make things weird and awkward all the time. It's part of their job description. I'm pretty sure somewhere they have a toddler union and that they have to reach a weirdness quota. I appreciate the compliment but now that he is pointing and laughing I'm not sure it was a genuine compliment. Like Mighty Mouse being a small mouse.
"No, son. We are not talking about penis right now. We are learning to pee in the urinal. Now open your pants and pull your penis out."
"Daddy, I have a small penis!" he yells.
That's when I hear the guy in the stall start laughing. Nothing is better than getting in a dick size competition in front of an audience.
"Dude, just go pee," I tell him. I have decided that urinal lessons can wait. He pulls his pants all the way down to the floor, gleeful in his exposed butt and his exposed junk. Next time I teach him we are going to make sure that the little guy and I are alone in the bathroom.
Wait, that doesn't sound very good either. Fuck it, we are going back to diapers.