I have decided to launch a new company. Hossman’s Toddler Proofing. It’s going to make me a million dollars and when I get all that sweet money I will make sure that I forget all you lowly peasants. But first, buy my products.
The first product in my genius plan will be the Crazy Shake Timer. It will look exactly like an egg timer, an old fashioned one. That means it’s vintage and bitches go crazy for vintage. You set it for 5-minute increments right when you need to clean or do something important like eating all the crumbs in the chip bag before you throw it out. You paid good money for those chips, get everything out of it that you can. When the timer goes off, you stand up and do the crazy shakes. I’m assuming that every parent that stops by to read this knows exactly what crazy shakes are.
But for those that don’t, the crazy shakes are from the cartoon Team Umizoomi. Bot, the robot, of course, will say at the end of every episode that it’s time for crazy shakes. My 4-year-old demands that we do it and when a 4-year-old demands that you shake him, god damnit you do it. Not a baby though, don’t shake the babies. I find that my productivity drops way off when my toddler is around. So the crazy shake timer is really just finding a way to automate the constant interruptions. After the crazy shakes set the timer again and then go find that bag of chocolate chip cookies because I bet there is a least one more in there you fat bastard.
Our next product is revolutionary and will probably get a lot of hot supermodels wanting to endorse it. It’s called the Bathroom Muffler. It’s basically just a shit ton of styrofoam, thick stuff that can be duck taped to the bathroom door. Once installed by one of our supermodel installation ladies, it will successfully block all sounds from outside the bathroom door-- like a screaming toddler. It will also cancel out any loud banging coming from outside the door. So when the 4-year-old is screaming “Dad! Daaaadddd! What are you doing?” you don’t have to reply “I’m taking a dump, what do you think I’m doing!”
Now, you may be thinking why not just use sound proof egg crate foam? Listen, Mr. Moneybags, we are trying to make these things affordable for the American family. We cannot afford official high-end shit, kids suck up money like Bill Oreilly soaks up harassment lawsuits. (hahahahahaha, that made me laugh.) Our styrofoam can be found for almost next to nothing if you go down to the docks on the lake after the 4th of July weekend. Just pick up all the old cheap coolers that I guarantee will litter the shore. The beer smell will remind you of college. Bring your toddler and the crazy shake timer.
The Parent Control Volume Remote will be our next big seller, after the success of the Bathroom Muffler. This specially programmed remote will have only 3 settings. Setting 1 will be called “Nap Time” and immediately mute the T.V. and it cannot be canceled for at least 2 hours. This prevents the fat god damn dog from accidently stepping on the remote and jacking the volume up to 50 and ruining nap time for everyone. Seriously, screw you dog. You owe me. Setting 2 on the remote is labeled “Sexy Porn Time.” It sets the volume of the T.V. to a very low whisper, only audible over heavy breathing. Use only around 3 am when the whole house is asleep and you really don’t want to wake anyone up but need just a little bit of sound to achieve lift off. Finally, setting 3 on the remote will be called “When the older kids have friends over.” This setting will automatically turn every speaker in your house to the loudest volume. You will still be confused as for why you can’t hear anything other than preteens tearing your house apart but at least you are making an effort.
The last product in our revolutionary new Toddler Proofing company will be called the “Picky Eater Food Dispenser” and is the flagship of our product line. This white box contraption easily fits on your dining room table. It will have huge compartment space for all the lunches and dinners that your toddler has decided not to eat. After they take one bite of their peanut butter and jelly sandwich the machine will automatically open and take the sandwich away, storing it for later because your toddler will declare he’s “done.” Every 5 minutes, when your toddler tells you he’s hungry, even though you just had lunch, the white box will open and again deposit the sandwich on the table. Your toddler will scream, take one bite and again declare he is done. The cycle will continue for 45 minutes until finally it just spits out a cup full of cheerios on the floor and flings the sandwich towards the wall. This action allows you to add to your collection of food stains on the wall without the hassle of your toddler doing it. There is also a handy paper shredder built right in so you can just open up your wallet and destroy your money rather than wasting trips to the grocery store.
I believe in these products and have no doubt that they will revolutionize the way we take care of our families. Why go through the bother and the fights that you know you are coming anyway? My super awesome, super handy Toddler Proofing program will….
Wait, the crazy shake timer just went off. Back in a bit.