Spiders and Sex

If you want to see a grown man scream and flail around when he gets a spider in his face, then you should  go hiking with me.  There's a lot of heavy breathing, some much needed cursing and sometimes you sprain an ankle because fuck you rock, that's why.  If you want to see a man having sex in the back of a beat up suv, then you should definitely go hiking with me.  There's a lot of heavy breathing, some much needed cursing and sometimes you sprain an ankle because WHO THE FUCK IS HAVING SEX IN THAT CAR ON A TUESDAY MORNING!

Stick with me kids, I've got a story to tell.

Well, not my kids.  If any of my kids is reading this in the future go to your rooms and pretend that Dad didn't write this.  Or read it when I'm dead and think what ever you want as long as I'm dead and can pretend that you will never ever think about sex its so gross and now everything is awkward.

Preschool drop off has been getting better and I am very happy about that.  Bacon Hoss today said that he would only cry a little bit when I left him in the cruel world without his beloved dad.  Then he called me a prick and told me just go get a pack of smokes and a gallon of milk and never come back.  There is still some resentment.

What makes it tougher though is that he looks through that little god damn door window until I am out of sight and I don't have the strength of heart to not look back at him with his little sad face pushed right up against that.  So the entire time that I walk away I can see his future therapy issues right there at the door.  However this is a great improvement over week 1 when I had to pry his little fingers off my leg while he screamed bloody murder.  The whole superdad ego thing gets a bit wrecked when this happens and apparently I am having separation issues.  Turns out I'm just a big wimp.

But with my new found freedom and complete lack of fatherly instinct, I've been doing 5 mile hikes in the morning to explore nature and clear my head.  What I have discovered is that nature is filled with fucking spiders that are as big as a quarter and they love to land on your face.  The best part though is that in the early morning sunlight you can't really see the webs until whamo you walk smack right into it and they lay babies in your ear and then of course they all want to crawl in your peehole.

I exaggerate of course, no spiders want to go into your peehole, it only feels like that because they are evil fucking creatures that want to suck out your soul.  Through your peehole probably but no one has gotten close enough to observe it because they are to busy jumping around swatting at their faces like they hate themselves and they don't deserve love.

My hiking has evolved from just a nice stroll in nature to me half running while waving a tiny stick around in front of my face and occasionally just stripping naked for a spider check.  I look like the main character in a video game if you give the control to a one year old with fine motor skills needing development.  One with nature.

It was at the end of one of these hikes that our story can truly begin.  I made it back to my car with probably only a hundred of so spiders riding hidden in my backpack to bring home to Hossmom.  I was a bit winded from doing the spider sprint so I wasn't really paying attention that much as I logged my hike (so I can map where the spiders are of course) and was wiping sweat from my brow.  Really, I was just looking ahead thinking nothing, getting a drink of water like you do after you've had a near death experience.  There was a brown older SUV parked about 10 feet away from me which I found to be a bit odd as there was plenty of space in the parking lot at the trailhead of the hike.  The SUV had seen better days but I didn't think much of it.   I was at a popular hiking spot and there were about 5 more cars around but all a bit further away.

The brown SUV had tinted windows in the back and the front was empty.  It was rocking a little bit, barely noticeable probably and honestly, I wasn't thinking about anything except Captain Grayskull the Arachnid.  It was a windy day and cars rock a little bit in the wind.  I continued to look at the car for a pretty long while as I caught my breath.

As I was sitting there taking my headphones out, or spiders I never check just in case, the back door opens and a tall man steps out.  As he steps out he seems to be messing with the waistband of his sweatpants.  What happens next all happens in the span of 10 seconds but as in any awkward situation feels way, way longer.

The man steps out and appears to be pulling his waistband up a bit, which did strike me as a little weird.  Then I thought to myself, why is he in the back of his car?  How long was I staring at that car while I was coming down out of my hike?  1 min, 5 minutes, I honestly don't know, I was just zoning out.  The guy coughs and I look at him.  We make eye contact.  We maintain eye contact.  For a very uncomfortable amount of time because I'm trying to process what I'm seeing here.

And then he gives me the shit eating grin and honest to god shrugs his shoulders and put's his hands up.  I've.....i've seen that type of grin before.  I....I know what that means.  Oh this is so getting awkward.  Was our bro here just wanking it in the back of his car?  Why would he have to go to the back of his car?  Why come out here in the woods to wank it, is that a thing?  I can't keep up with kids and their fetishes these days.

He moves to the front of his car and begins to open his door.  The front windows aren't tinted and I can see right in and have in fact been staring at that spot for a while as I was taking off my headphones.   But what once was empty space is empty no more.  Now there is a woman sitting there.
Comprehension finally dawns.  The brown-chicken-brown-cow SUV was not empty while I was decompressing from my spider hike, it was not empty at all.  It was in full use, maximum usage, usage of unintended awkwardness.  And while it was being used I was staring right at it for a pretty good amount of time.  Enough time that it seems pretty obvious now that I was watching someone get their bang bros on.

So weird right now, weirder than spider time in the woods.  What do I do?  Do I return the little grin or does that give the even more weird swinger head nod?  I don't want that, I don't want that at all.  I just want my woods and spiders, I don't want to enter a lifestyle of passing around partners and car keys.  But am I a prude now?  I don't want to be a prude.  What the hell is going on, who am I?  2 hours ago I was a dad having confidence issues while I dropped off my last child at preschool and now I'm swinging Ted, wooded pervert mountain dingle.

Look, I'll admit that now a days it takes a pretty good amount of awkwardness to make me embarrassed.  At home dad with 3 kids over 8 years, I have lived in realm of awkward.  I've had the weird looks, I've had people say "I'm sorry" and mean it when I've told them I'm an at home dad.  I've had my daughter run naked through public spaces, I have violated the privacy of the women's bathroom, I have caught puke in my hands at a restaurant.  A long time ago I got over any embarrassment that life throws at me.  I embrace the awkwardness, I hug it and kiss it and make it mine much like this fine gentlemen did in the back of his car on a Tuesday morning at a hiking path in the woods.

But apparently here is my new line.  I get embarrassed when I watch people have sex in the back of a car in the woods like some sort of peeping tom.  That's what I do now, I run from spiders and watch people have sex.

So I do the only thing that can be done in that situation, the only thing that I'm sure we would all do when confronted with this level of oops.  I mumble "sorry" and turn around and head back into the woods.  Fuck it, I live here now.  Can't go back to my car, spiders are probably having sex in there and I can only interrupt so many coitus sessions in one day before I buy myself a banjo and a riverboat.

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